The Dead Mouse Sketch


The bow dropped from Dingeye's paws. "Gwaw, lookit wot ye've done, ye thick idjit!"

"I never done nothin', smartstoat. It was yew!"

"Oh, stow the gab. It was both of us then. There! Does that make you feel better?"

"No. Ohhh ... Wot's wrong with 'im?" Thura poked nervously at the sprawled form of Brother Hal.

"I'll tell yer wot's wrong with 'im. 'E's dead, that's wot's wrong with 'im!" Dingeye snapped.

"Nah, nah, mebbe 'e's, uh ... 'e's restin'."

"Look, mucker, I knows a dead mouse when I sees one an' I'm lookin' at one right now. 'E's stone dead."

"No, no, 'e's not dead, 'e's restin'!" Thura insisted, optimistically choosing to ignore the ridiculousness of the proposal that Brother Hal had suddenly fallen asleep in the middle of the Great Hall floor.

"All right then, if 'e's restin' I'll wake 'im up. 'Ello, mousey! Wake up!" Dingeye yelled at the crumpled body. Thura surreptitiously nudged the mouse with his footpaw.

"There, 'e moved!"

"No 'e didn't! That was yew kickin' 'im!"

"I never!"

"Yes you did! Watch ... 'Ello! Mousey! Mous-eeee! ..." Dingeye picked up the corpse and repeatedly banged its head on the table. "See, see? Now that's wot I calls a dead mouse."

"No, no ... No, 'e's stunned!"


"Yeah! Yew 'it 'im like that, it's no surprise 'e ain't movin'! Mebbe ye stunned 'im jes' as 'e was wakin' up!"

"Thura, I've 'ad enough o' this. This mouse is def'nitely deceased. Why else did 'e fall flat on 'is back the moment 'e got in the door, by an amazin' coincidence exac'ly at the point the flippin' arrer reached the doorway?"

"I dunno, mebbe 'e prefers kippin' on 'is back?" Thura said with a shrug.

"Look, Thura, look at 'im. There's a bloody arrow through 'is gizzard, 'e's on the floor 'cos 'e's practic'ly bin nailed there!"

"Mebbe it's jes' caught in 'is fur!" said Thura, dropping to the floor and tugging the arrow, trying to conceal the fact that it was well and truly lodged in Brother Hal's throat. "Yeah, that's it, we jes' surprised 'im an' 'e fainted! Any minute now, 'e's gonna jump up an' run off - voom!"

Dingeye slapped his forehead and groaned. "Mucker, this mouse is only gonna 'voom' iffen yer soak 'im in booze an' light 'im. 'E's bleedin' demised."

"'E's not, 'e's jes' passed out!" Thura insisted in panicked tones.

"'E's not passed out, 'e's passed on!" Dingeye finally snapped and started to rant at his friend. "This mousey is no more! 'E 'as ceased to be! 'E's expired an' gone ter meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! 'Is vital functions are 'istory! 'E's 'opped the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, shuffled off 'is mortal coil, rung down the curtain an' joined the bleedin' choir invisible! This is an ex-mouse!"

Thura shuffled away from the corpse and muttered "... Well, we're in trouble, then."

Dingeye sighed. "Honestly, Thura, 'f I want ter get anyfin' inter yer thick 'ead I gotta talk till I'm blue in the mouth."


Back to Writing


Questions? Comments? Email me at (don't forget to delete the NOSPAM first).