Mission #2: Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Sue To Live
Original fic; The Christian At Hogwarts.
Fandom; Harry Potter.
Source; fanfiction.net via Potter Sue of the Day.
Disclaimer; If you read the disclaimer in Mission One, you know who owns most of it. “The Christian At Hogwarts” is not mine, but that’s fine because I don't want it. Laburnum is mine because she is me (or at least my favourite avatar), and Foxglove is an original character created by me. The definition of “beget” comes from dictionary.com. I certainly don’t own Viz comic, nor do I especially wish to, though the money from owning such a popular comic company would be nice. Ah well, one day . . .
“Hello Mariley, I’m ba-ack!” Laburnum called, entering her call centre, her partner Foxglove shortly behind her. The huge amounts of Bleepka had put them both in a good mood.
Marile the Mini-Deepcoiler was a tidy eater. Nothing was left of the cat that had been her lunch except several hairballs piled in the corner and a large lump in her body. The tiny (well, tiny compared to the original Deepcoiler) serpent was curled up in her tank, snoring bubbles. Laburnum smiled at her pet, finished her bottle of Bleepka and started to clear up the hairballs. She heard a stifled snicker from Foxglove and looked up to see Foxglove’s eyes flicking from the cat hair to Marile and back.
“If you’d keep the obvious comments about eating pussy to yourself, I’d really appreciate it.” As this sentence came out of her mouth, Laburnum tried and failed to hold back a snigger.
Foxglove giggled. “Just call me Fenny Saunders.”
“Never heard of Finbarr Saunders and his Double-Entendres? Oh, my brother sends me old Viz comics, I’ll dig ‘em out and show you . . . ”
At this point the console started to beep loudly.
“. . . later.” Foxglove said with a wince. “What’ve we got?”
Laburnum looked at the screen. “It appears to be a charming little piece of work entitled ‘The Christian At Hogwarts’. Some Christian Fundamentalist chick gets her Hogwarts letter and tries to convert all the students away from witchcraft - despite the fact that Harry Potter's brand of magic has about as much to do with religion as the film Alien has to do with Mars bars.”
Foxglove shuddered.”I hate those - the fics, I mean, not Mars bars. I really do. Have you heard of that one ‘Harry Potter Turns To The Lord’?”
“Oh yes. Joe Bob told me - the veteran agents like to tell horror stories to the newbies. Thank Go- err, thank goodness I’m agnostic.” Both agents laughed. “But seriously, a lot of the agents end up agnostic. When you know the creators of most of the worlds you spend your time in are really just people sat at typewriters, it's pretty much impossible to take the idea of your own creator seriously.” Foxglove blinked and stared at her new partner.
“That was very profound.”
“Was it? Oh, must be the Bleepka talking.” Laburnum turned back to the screen. “Best get in there fast. This one’s nasty. You wanna set the disguises?”
Foxglove looked at the screen over her partner's shoulder. “Okay. Chapters One and Two are in her house, better not go there . . . Chapter Three’s in Diagon Alley. Random witches do?”
“Sure. Don’t forget the kit,” Laburnum said, picking up her own kit as her friend set the disguises and the portal to London.
Stephen, His wife Patricia, and daughter Ariana stood reluctantly outside a dirty pub named 'the leaky cauldron'. every fear and doubt of venturing into the wizarding world was now near it's boiling point.
Foxglove shuddered violently. “Oh, the bad capitals. And . . . Ariana?” Laburnum was paralysed, staring transfixed at her computer's display.
“Oh yes. Ariana Alexis Azivedo, to be precise,” she said faintly. “Nobody would name their kid that unless they had a sadistic streak the size of Saturn.”
“Remnants of the Spanish
"Hell, I'm letting her become a witch, what's a Pub after that?" Stephen whispers to himself in a undertone.
“If he’s so devout, why is he saying ‘hell’?” Foxglove continued, then squeaked as the tense shift hit. Laburnum caught her arm as she fell.
“Without the context of ‘you are
going to . . .’? I don't know,” Laburnum said with a shrug. The pair followed
the Sue and her parents into the Leaky Cauldron, which looked perfectly normal
except for the fact that the sign was no longer capitalised, thanks to the
author's inability to use the Shift key correctly. They walked through the pub
and hung around just inside the open back door, watching the Sue.
"well, that wasn't so bad..." Stephen commented. "now...how do we...." his voice trailed off as a man, easily twice the size of him walked up. Stephen quickly pushed Patricia and Ariana behind him. "Hello. do you know how we..."
"Get 'nter Diagon alley? o course I do. name's Ruebus Hagrid. Mos' people call me Hagrid tho'."
“Great. That’s another Mini-Aragog for Meir Brin. I hate Mini-Aragogs,” Laburnum sighed as she looked at the spelling. Large sapient spiders with a violent streak are not things an arachnophobic wants around, and Laburnum hated spiders. Foxglove was more impressed by the way Hagrid had suddenly appeared out of thin air, as the fic had not bothered to mention where he had “walked up” from.
“Look, it’s the Amazing Disappearing, Reappearing Hagrid!”
Meanwhile, Stephen Azivedo was introducing the family to Hagrid, who seemed thoroughly astonished that they were Muggles, despite the fact that, in the book, he had not been surprised at all by Hermione's parents.
“And she misspelled ‘folk’ as f-o-k-e,” Laburnum grumbled. “Oh yeah, ‘folk’ is, like, reeaally hard to spell. It contains four whole letters!”
Foxglove muttered something which
sounded about the same length.
"Stand back then. once ye've got yer wand, yew'll be able ter do this." he looked at Ariana before pulling out a pink umbrella and tapping several bricks on the brick wall opposite the pub's back door. the bricks began to pull away to reveal a long alleyway. "firs' yew'll need to go to Gringotts, tha's down there. change yer muggle money and such."
"you have different money?" Stephen blanched.
“Ooh, the scary wizard people use different money! Like, that’s sooo scar-eeeee!” Foxglove said mockingly. Laburnum poked her gently, as the Sue was starting to notice the noise.
“Sorry,” Foxglove whispered. “Since when was Diagon Alley just an ‘alleyway’? I thought it was a street.”
“Last I checked, it was.” Laburnum put away the laptop computer, pulled out the Canon Analysis Device, pressed the mute button just in case and pointed it at Hagrid.
(Hagrid. Half-giant male. Canon. Out Of Character 36.99%)
“Hmm, not as bad as I thought. One
thing in the author’s favour.”
"Thats the pro...well, it's all right I su'ose." he paused. "so y'll be goin' ter hogwarts this term?"
“Yes, that would be a logical
conclusion. Although with Sue fics, who knows?” Foxglove whispered, cringing at
the increasingly pitiful attempt at Hagrid's accent.
"Yes." Ariana said quietly.
"Don' worry. Yer goin to the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the country. in the world, my opinion. an' ye'll have Albus Dumbledore as yer headmaster. t'ain't a be'er headmaster no where."
"you know of Hogwarts?" Patricia asked, shocked.
“Why would she be shocked that a guy who is apparently a wizard would know about a wizarding school? And never mind ‘finest’ – isn’t Hogwarts the only wizarding school in the country?”
“I told you before, stop being
logical. It makes it hurt more.”
"O'course I do! I work there. Keeper of keys and grounds, an' also a Professor For the Care of Magical Creatures I am."
"what is it like?" Stephen quickly asked. "the school? do the students learn...dark arts?"
"O'course not!" boomed the giant of a man, looking scandalized. "never dark arts. They learn spells like cheering charms, healing potions, levatatin' objects an' such." he paused a moment. "ive got ter be goin' now. i'll see yeh in class, Ariana. Nice meetin' ya three." Hagrid bustled off through the mass of people, leaving the Azivedo family standing alone.
"well, off to the bank" Stephen attempted cheerfully.
Suddenly there was a violent temporal distortion as most of the shopping expedition was passed over completely by the author. The agents were both thrown from their hiding place behind the door and collapsed in the tiny courtyard. Foxglove made a noise which sounded like “Aarghwhaoof!”.
“Sorry!” Laburnum said, scrambling to her feet and helping her friend up. “That seems to be happening to us a lot, doesn’t it?” Foxglove sat up, rubbing her head, which had come into contact with the flagstones at high speed. Laburnum wasn't much better off, having landed on her hands and knees and scraped the skin – not badly enough to bleed, but certainly enough to hurt.
“Oww. It’s okay, not your fault. At least we didn’t have to sit through a whole shopping scene lifted straight from Philosopher’s Stone. Those are really, really boring.”
“Still better than having the skin ripped off your palms or getting concussion.”
Laburnum reopened the door to Diagon
Alley, and after quickly checking the Words, they dashed to Eeylop’s Owl
Emporium, where the Sue was buying her pet. As with ‘the leaky cauldron’, the
sign outside the door was suddenly capitalised incorrectly.
Inside Eeylops owl Emporium, Ariana was immersed in discussion with the owner of the store while her parents wandered around aimlessly.
"it's new, this one, you take this powder, throw it over the owl, and shout 'blaues farbe'; and it'll change to blue. now. to make it turn red..." the shopkeeper was explaining.
“Spells in German? German? Aren't they supposed to be Latin?” Foxglove spluttered as the shopkeeper suddenly stopped speaking in mid-sentence.
“Some authors are just too lazy to
bother researching,” Laburnum said. “I guess she thought if it’s foreign, it
makes a spell. Actually, I don’t know the Latin for ‘blue’ either, but I would
at least try to look it up.” She started to examine a screech owl, but then
another temporal-spatial shift hit. They landed in the Sue's room. Fortunately
Ariana was too absorbed in a book to notice two young women appearing out of
nowhere. The agents ducked quickly into the closet before they were seen.
"Ariana?" Stephen knocked softly on the door as he walked in.
"yeah dad?" Ariana looked up from the third chapter of "coming out of the closet to your muggle family": 'When mom refuses to accept.'
Laburnum and Foxglove tried
desperately not to snigger in case they were heard. (Both were the type of
people who can make any sentence sound filthy.) Pressing their ears against the
door, they listened to Ariana and her father.
"Your Mother and I have been talking...about...School." he began slowly.
"Yeah?" Ariana asked, wanting him to get over whatever he was about to say so she could go back to her book.
"we think it would be best if your wand, books and other...School Supplies are put away until term starts.
Cocking an eyebrow at her father, Ariana said nothing, but quietly put the books away.
The scene shifted into the new chapter. Chapter shifts were fortunately less painful than time-shifts within chapters, but they were still disorienting. The agents found themselves in King’s Cross Station, watching the Azivedo family.
Ariana stood with her parents on Platform ten.
"Nine and three quarters." Stephen read once more. "there isn't a platform 9 3/4!"
"It's hidden." Ariana said quietly.
“Well, DUH!” Laburnum growled under her breath.
"then how do you get to it?" Stephen pressed.
"The Barrier" Ariana pointed to the barrier separating platforms nine and ten.
"And just how do you know this, young lady?" Patricia pressed, cocking an eyebrow at her Daughter.
"Magic?" Ariana Smiled innocently.
“Wrong, wrong, WRONG!” Foxglove hissed. “If it worked like that, why the hell did Harry have to ask Mrs Weasley? Did this author pay any attention at all?”
“If she had, she would know that Potterverse magic is a talent, not a religion, and therefore one cannot be converted out of it!” Laburnum growled through gritted teeth. The time-shift hit, but this time the agents were ready and stayed upright as they rematerialised on the train, which was nearly ready to leave. “DAMN!”
“We have to get the parents! We need to kill them too, and they don’t appear anywhere else in the fic. Quick, we’ll have to miss the train and portal to the school.” The last sentence was delivered at a run. Laburnum and Foxglove left the compartment at speed, dashed out of Platform Nine And Three-Quarters and found the Azivedoes standing perfectly still on Platform Ten. Outside the presence of their Daughter-Sue, the main focus of the fic’s general horribleness, Stephen and Patricia were incapable of actually doing anything. None of the people on the platform noticed them, or the agents.
“Stephen and Patricia Azivedo, you are hereby charged with being antagonistically religious, being rampantly illogical and aiding, abetting and being the parents of a Mary Sue. The penalty is death. Got your wand, Foxglove?” Foxglove proudly drew a wand from her pocket and waved it.
“Yep. I’ll take the mother.” Each agent stood in front of an immobile bit-player.
“Ready. One, two, three . . .”
“Avada Kedavra!” the agents whispered in unison. The now-dead characters’ facial expressions did not change as they slowly keeled over backwards.
“Incendio!” The bodies burst into flame. Soon all that was left were two patches of greasy ashes.
“Evanesco!” The ashes disappeared. The floor where they had been was now perfectly clean - actually cleaner than all the rest of the floor. The effect was odd, but it would only last till the cleaners came round.
“Can we do that to Ariana too? Burn the witch?” Foxglove asked, with a worryingly enthusiastic tone.
“Mmmnnrr . . . I was thinking of giving her to the Hobbers,” Laburnum said, searching through her backpack for the Portal Generator.
“Oh, they’re in the Deptford Histories. By Robin Jarvis? Have you heard of them? The Hobbers are this weird satanic cult who skin their sacrificial victims alive and eat them,” said the agent, pulling out the Generator and setting coordinates for the Great Hall at Hogwarts. “Except they’re all talking rats. I don't think they do humans.”
“Oh. That’s a no then. Dump her in the Omnian desert for the Small Gods?” Foxglove reprogrammed the disguises as she spoke - Hogwarts students.
“Nah, she might survive . . .”
the small girl walked to the stool, sat down, and felt the tattered hat drop onto her head.
suddenly the hat burst into song once more
"A thousand years times two has passed
since the founders sat on their lazy ass
the ass's name was Mccoy don't you know
he broke the ground with his plow
The founders were there four
Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Hufflepuff and Gryffindor
Never did the founders dream
of who would join the Hogwarts team
holy hell from within
Hogwarts has a Christian?!!??!"
Both agents, now dressed as first-year students, leaned across the Slytherin house table, laughing hysterically. The Sue didn’t notice them, and the other students couldn’t see them anyway.
“Worst . . . Sorting . . . Hat . . . Song . . . ever!” gasped Foxglove, clutching her sides. Laburnum managed to nod, before collapsing again.
the sorting hat fell silent and stared at Ariana.
Laburnum laughed even harder at the pair of eyes that had suddenly appeared on the Hat. The poor Hat was going cross-eyed, trying to look down at Ariana, whom the author had apparently forgotten was still wearing it. Foxglove actually fell out of her seat, giggling.
“Abuse . . . of . . . the Sorting Hat . . . for the charge list,” Laburnum spluttered, calming down a little. “Though maybe this scene was worth the abomination that was the rest of the fic.”
the sorting hat wasn't the only silent one, every eye in the room was upon the young girl.
Laburnum’s laughter started up again as the eyeballs of all the other characters leaped from their sockets, bounced across the Hall and stuck to Ariana, who didn’t even seem to notice. Foxglove stopped laughing and looked ill.
“I really hope they get their eyes back. Dumbledore looks really weird without eyeballs.” She sighed as she watched the Headmaster’s eyes jump over his glasses and glue themselves to the Sue. “Yeuck.”
"what the hell? a Christian, at Hogwarts? what's she playing at?" came a yell from the Gryffindor table.
"a good girl I see, with a thirst to impress. loyalty is there, but which shall be your crest?" the hat continued on in a whisper.
the hat thought for an eternal three minutes before bellowing his response for all to hear.
“‘An eternal three minutes’ - now there's a time-shift if ever I saw one.”
The world vibrated for a few seconds as the chapter changed. Now Ariana was sitting at the Slytherin table, and the food had appeared. Sadly, it had no description at all, so the plates and bowls were extremely fuzzy and contained only Generic Food. At least everyone’s eyeballs had returned to their rightful places.
Ariana kept her head down, and her eyes focused on her food.
currently she was surrounded by evil demon looking people laughing and talking about spells and curses.
“Alright, this is not funny anymore . . .” Laburnum snarled as the students and teachers all suddenly sprouted horns and forked tails. “Another charge – ‘altering the physiology of Hogwarts students and staff.’”
"So. you're a pureblood....and a Christian?" a girl attempted to greet Ariana.
"yeah, that's right" Ariana quickly agreed.
“Wait . . . wasn’t she Muggle-born a minute ago?”
“Welcome to Sue-logic,” Laburnum sighed.
"what's your surname?" a blonde male asked.
"Azivedo." Ariana shot back without any hesitation.
“Why would she hesitate? What’s so odd about telling a new classmate your name? And didn’t they just say her surname during the Sorting?” Foxglove wondered, ignoring Laburnum's instructions not to use logic.
"where's that from?" a bear faced girl asked.
"Portugal." Ariana quickly replied.
"and...you're a Christian."
"YES!" Ariana screamed, leaping to her feet. "I'm a Christian! Me dad's a
Pastor! me mum's a music minister!"
with that, the girl raced from the great hall.
"your house, your problem" McGonagall hissed to the potions master.
"By the Gods, remind me later to tear that damned hat to shreds" Severus cursed as he stood up, taking one last gulp from his goblet, which sloshed a little down his chin and onto his black robes.
"wouldn't take much" McGonagall grinned in response.
Foxglove picked up her kit and rummaged through it, trying to find the Canon Analysis Device, but Laburnum pulled the backpack out of her hands. “Seriously, you don’t want to know. Anyway, Makes-Things is already fixing one from the last mission. I really don’t want us to bring him a second broken one within a day. Insofar as one can count days at HQ, since there’s nothing to measure by.” She shuddered at the OOC-ness of the last paragraph and comforted herself by imagining things to do to the Sue.
Hours later, the agents sat in the corner of the Slytherin first-year girl’s dorm, typing out the charge list on their laptops.
“Don’t forget ‘using American slang’ - remember that book? ‘When Mom refuses to accept’?”
“Yeah, I got that . . .” Foxglove said, typing faster. “Wow, long list.”
“Not as bad as the last one - fifty charges, remember?” Laburnum shuddered at the fragments of memories the Bleeprin had left. “Oh, wait, she went to buy an owl, but it’s never showed up again - add that to the list.”
Meanwhile, the Sue was reading her Bible.
"Hey Ariana...Feeling Better?" Sarah, one of her dorm-mates asked between breaths of a conversation about the feast.
"Yeah...i've just been...reading" Ariana trailed off, and looked down at the book open on the bed.
Sarah looked down and frowned at the words. then she flipped them around to where she could read them, and frowned even more.
"Then Jacob Begat...what the hell is begat?"
in the background, Michelle, a tall brunette began to bleat like a sheep. "B-e-e-e-ega-a-a-a-t"
“B-e-e-e-e-e-ega-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-t,” Foxglove joined in. Laburnum poked her.
“Y’know, that’s really immature.”
“Yeah,” Foxglove said with a grin, “but it’s funny.”
"it means to give birth."
“I’m pretty sure it doesn’t,” Laburnum muttered, switching her computer to search mode. “See, ‘beget; To procreate, as a father or sire; to generate; -- commonly said of the father.’ That does not mean ‘give birth to’ by any stretch of the imagination.”
"a guy gave birth to a kid? Sarah asked, cocking her eyebrow. before Ariana could explain, Sarah continued. "you Christians are WEIRD."
Ariana smirked, then went back to her bible reading,
“Using commas at the end of sentences,” Foxglove hissed. “Misusing words. Random capitals . . .” The chapter shift started.
“Aww, we didn’t even get a chance to nap!” wailed Laburnum as the scene shifted to the Great Hall.
Ariana sat in the great hall the next morning between Michelle and Sarah, idly discussing their schedules. First up was Double Potions, Followed immediately by Transfiguration, History of Magic and Charms
"I've heard History of Magic is bloody torture." Michelle Commented, looking serious, for once. "Me older Sister, Amy couldn't stand that class. said she liked Magical History before Binns."
Sarah cocked an eyebrow and nodded. "Yeah, my Mum was telling me about him. she said he was a ghost professor when she was here. say's he dances around on a subject for weeks before getting to the point."
“One hell of a time distortion there. This girl’s older sister was here before Binns, but her friend’s mother wasn’t? And hasn’t Binns been around for centuries?”
“True. That’s the least of this fic’s crimes, though.” The agents grabbed a few pieces of Generic Food and tried to ignore the hideously ungrammatical conversation. Generic Food wasn’t that nice - it tasted a bit like warm sponges - but the girls were hungry, and it provided a minor distraction from the badfic. For some reason Ariana’s friend Michelle spoke like one of Brian Jacques’ vermin - her grammar was appalling. Most of the grammar in the fic was pretty bad, but Michelle’s bad grammar sounded as if the author had deliberately written it that way.
“Should we bring that one back for your Mini-Deepcoiler?”
“No, we don’t have to get these bit-players. They’ll revert into Random Background Students once the Sue is gone.”
Foxglove checked the Words again. “Okay, nothing much happens for a long time. Potions lesson where Snape repeats his speech from the movie more or less word-for-word. Then suddenly she’s in Professor McGonagall's class - at least I think it’s her class, it never says so - where she stays after class to discuss religion. After that would be a good place to stop this travesty.”
“Okay, let’s hop in a plothole. There’s plenty to choose from.”
The agents found a likely-looking plothole and jumped in. This was Laburnum’s first time in a plothole, and she didn't relish the experience. Watching the Words swirling past like so many leaves in a tornado was rather sickening. Finally they managed to find an appropriate place/time to leave it, which they both did gladly.
“Oouuh, I feel really sick. Can we never, never do that again?”
“We can try,” Laburnum groaned,
hugging herself. “I don’t really want to go through that again either.” She
carefully opened the horribly badly-defined door which led into the equally
fuzzy classroom. As far as they could tell, the Transfiguration lesson had just
ended. Since the only people in the room were Ariana and McGonagall, and there
was nothing in the room to suggest it was even a classroom, this may not have
been the case. They peered through the door at the scene within.
"Can I help you with something Miss Azivedo?" McGonagall asked, putting a box of matches back in her desk.
Ariana stepped forward. "yes, as a matter of fact you can." she began quickly, but immediately slowed down. "Professor, could there have been a mistake? why did I get a letter from Hogwarts?"
“Yes, there’s a mistake, Ariana,”
Laburnum whispered. “Mary Sues should never get Hogwarts letters.”
"Have a seat, Miss Azivedo." Minerva immediately replied.
"I'd rather Stand."
"But instead you will listen to me, and Have a Seat." Minerva cocked an eyebrow behind her square glasses.
"Yes Professor." Ariana sat down, placing her books on her lap.
"Now. Miss Azivedo, I am about to say something, and I want you to listen
carefully so that you understand it.
Hogwarts does Not make Mistakes. No one receives a letter that should not receive one."
“Except for all the Mary
Sues. But maybe they steal them from real students.”
"You did not Listen, Miss Azivedo. There has been no Mistake. you are here, because you are meant to be here. if you were not meant for this school, you would have never received a letter."
Ariana looked silently at her Professor for a moment, letting the words slowly sink in.
"So, I'm not a Muggle."
“Damn. If she was, we wouldn’t have had to sit through this.”
“Okay, that's enough. This isn’t Mystery Science Theatre.”
"No. you're not." Minerva replied. "You are a witch, and have been one since birth. it's not something to be ashamed of."
"For a Christian it is." Ariana quietly remarked.
"From a Christian point of view, You can view your powers as a gift from God. given to you to help others. not all witches are evil miss Azivedo. you will do good to remember that."
the young brunette turned her head to face her professor. "but Christians don't accept wit...us."
"your Father does." McGonagall returned. "and the only Christians that don't, are close-minded, and not worth the trouble. One thing you need to realize, is that Religion doesn't matter. the students that fill the corridors are Christian. they're Buddhist. they're Roman Catholic, Hindi and Shaman. all united by a common trait. they were all born with a gift.
“Y’know, either this paragraph is rather sweet despite the spelling, or this fic’s driven me insane,” Foxglove murmured.
“It actually isn’t too bad, but it is violently inconsistent with the rest of the story. And I don’t think ‘Shaman’ is a religion as such.”
you aren't an outsider, no matter how much of one you feel. from the teachers table, we see neither Christian or even Satanist. we see a sea of faces eager to learn. Eager to develop the gift they were born with. Realize that, and your years at Hogwarts very well could be the best of your life."
"Thank you." Ariana smiled, then nodded and raced off to her next class.
She got no further than the doorway before Foxglove tripped her. Ariana went sprawling. Before she could get up, Laburnum knelt down and twisted Ariana's arm up her back. The Sue screamed.
“What’s going on out there?” Professor McGonagall called, as the character rupture had closed up slightly in the last paragraph, and so she was now reacting more-or-less normally. The agents heard her start to walk to the door.
“Check!” Foxglove replied, as the agents hastily donned said items. “Wand?”
“Check!” Foxglove opened the door and Professor McGonagall walked out straight into a Memory Charm.
“Sorry about this, Professor,” Laburnum said, standing up and dragging the squeaking Sue into an armlock. “Foxglove, fix her memory. You, Ariana, shut up or else.”
“Eeeerrrr . . . Professor McGonagall, it’s the second of September, you’ve just finished with a class of first-years, you need to get ready for your next class. Nothing strange has happened. If you ever do remember me and my partner, or Miss Azivedo, you’ll think it was all a dream.”
“Good. Can you please hold one of Ariana’s hands? I can’t walk like this.”
Ariana found herself dragged outside by the two strange girls, dropped next to the lake and sat on by the larger of her antagonists. Her arms were pinned to her sides by Laburnum’s legs, and the agent’s hands were pressed tightly over her mouth.
“Nice restraining,” said Foxglove approvingly. “Can I charge her?” At a nod from her friend, she cleared her throat and began to recite the charge list. “Ariana Alexis Azivedo, you are hereby charged with being a Mary Sue; being antagonistically religious; apparently being unaware that Harry Potter’s magic is a talent and not a religion; displaying noncanonical Suvian powers, eg knowing about Platform Nine And Three-Quarters without being told; using ‘spells’ derived from the German language instead of the canonically usual Latin; entering Eeylop’s Owl Emporium to buy an owl and forgetting about it; causing Hagrid to be out-of-character and misspelling his first name; causing Professors McGonagall and Snape to be out-of-character; causing escapee eyeballs; changing the physiology of Hogwarts staff and students; randomly changing your own background; being inconsistent within your own story; using American slang; displaying extreme stupidity; having a stupid name; extreme cruelty to the common comma, the shift key and the Sorting Hat; generally massacring the English language; causing pointless and random time-shifts; and confusing and annoying PPC agents. You are hereby sentenced to death.”
Laburnum removed her hands from the Sue's mouth.
“Eww! Now my hands are covered in spit,” she wailed, wiping her hands on Ariana's robes. “Well, any last words which aren’t tearjerking or melodramatic?”
“Our Father who art in heaven . . .” the Sue started to chant, her eyes squeezed shut.
“Guess it was too much to hope for,” Foxglove said with a sigh. “So what do we do with her?”
“Umm. We’d got the list down to burning, crucifying or abandoning in a horror film,” Laburnum replied, pressing her hands back over the Sue’s mouth.
“I like burning, but we could tie her up and duck her a few times to see if she floats. Or we could if we had a ducking stool and rope, which we don’t. And wet Sue doesn’t catch on fire very well anyway. Crucifying would take too long, and I can’t think of any suitable horror films.”
“Oh, let’s just burn her and be done with it.”
“Fine,” Foxglove said cheerfully. Laburnum scrambled to her feet. Ariana struggled upright and tried to run, but both agents grabbed their wands and pointed them at the retreating Sue.
“Incendio!” they shouted in unison. The Sue screamed as she burst into flame. Within a few seconds, there was only a patch of burnt grass and a small pile of ashes left.
“Disgusting, yet impressive. C’mon, time to portal home.” Laburnum dug in her backpack for the Portal Generator. “Can’t wait to get back, I feel weird disguised as an eleven-year-old. The really sad thing is this fic could have been quite interesting,” she said thoughtfully as she set the coordinates.
“Yeah, pity the plotbunny didn’t choose some other leg to bite,” replied Foxglove, and started whistling “Highway To Hell”.
“True. Remind me to stock up on Bleepka before our next mission,” Laburnum said as the agents portalled home.
[Author's note; Not as bad as the last fic I did, but this one just plain hurt. I really hope it was intended as parody. No offence to any real Christians meant, but then I highly doubt many of the real Christians reading this liked it either. Yes, I am agnostic in real life, but I was agnostic long before I found the PPC. I'm not quite that much of a geek. It was harder thinking of what to do to this Sue than you'd think - there were just so many options for poetic justice. And of course I had to get in a reference to “Harry Potter Turns To The Lord” - see Architeuthis's intelligence report "Possessed" - be warned, it contains mentions of extremely disturbing concepts. Points to anyone who understood the reference to the Hobbers before I explained it *waves to Kitkatcathy* I highly recommend Robin Jarvis' books - imagine Redwall on steroids with a large helping of dark magic, minus most of the happy endings, and you're pretty close. Another of my favourite series with no fanfiction *sob* Viz is a popular adult comic in England, here’s the Wikipedia article if you want more info. The phrase “escapee eyeballs” was coined by Agents Trojanhorse and Soulshadow in this fic. I couldn't resist borrowing it. Next mission we'll try something other than Harry Potter - maybe we can find a Simpsons Sue . . . ]
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