Mission #4: Of Lobotomised Otters and Sue-ish Stupidity
Original fic; “My Trip To Redwall”.
Fandom; Redwall. Duh.
Source; fanfiction.net. Again.
Disclaimer; If you think I own anything other than Laburnum, Foxglove and Marile, I’m very, very ashamed of you.
Foxglove sprawled on the tattered sofa, one leg dangling over the back, snoring loudly. A half-full bottle of Coke dripped over the floor from her hand, and a copy of “Good Omens”, by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, lay half-open on her stomach. Laburnum smiled affectionately at her sleeping friend and turned back to hand-feeding her Mini-Deepcoiler, Marile. She wore rubber gloves for this, as Mini-Deepcoilers like to eat raw bacon fat mixed with fish entrails, which are not good things to hold in bare hands. It was a perfect picture of domestic bliss.
Of course, this being Protectors of the Plot Continuum headquarters, it didn’t last long.
Foxglove rocketed upright, screaming a Klingon obscenity and losing her place in the book. Marile’s teeth clamped down on Laburnum’s hand. Laburnum yelled and dropped fish guts on the floor.
“What the-” here Foxglove inserted another incomprehensible profanity, “is that?”
“It’s the bloody console. I told you, never get comfortable in here,” muttered the fuming Laburnum. Marile slithered off her lap, squeaking, and started to lick up the fish slime and Coke on the floor. Laburnum peeled off her gloves, stepped over her pet and pressed the Mute button on the console. “Oh no. Not Redwall again! After what happened last time!”
“How bad is it?”
“Bad. Multiple Human Sues and Stus. Kill me now please.”
“Oh, come on, it can’t be that bad.”
“It can. It’s entitled ‘My Trip To Redwall’. Unimaginative, obvious self-insertion. And in first-person, so we need one of those crash dummies too.”
Foxglove winced slightly. “Fine, let’s get started. The sooner we start, the sooner it’ll be over.”
“On top of the fic, we have to talk to Makes-Things before we even start, and he already hates us both for frying the CAD on our first mission and completely destroying the Simulation Generator last mission!”
“Oh, stop being so pessimistic,” Foxglove told her distressed partner. “At least we get to take out our frustrations on more than one character this time.”
With a sigh, Laburnum scritched her pet behind the horns, and followed her partner out to the Department of Sufficiently Advanced Technology to pick up the “Me” crash dummy.
1 hour to go.........30 minutes to go........20 minutes to go...........10 minutes to go.........9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1.. RRRRIIIINNNGGG. Finally schools out for the summer.
As the world slowly comes into focus around them, Laburnum pulls the cord on the soft yellow cube which will inflate into a “Me” dummy, thus preventing the agents from becoming Sues themselves. It blows up to human size, and takes its place in the fic. Currently they have no disguise, as the beginning of the fic is supposed to be taking place in Modern Earth, not that it is possible to tell this from the nonexistent description. They are, however, carrying very sharp daggers and barkcloth coshes on their belts, along with the usual equipment and Laburnum’s camera.
"Jessica J! Do you want to walk home?"
" Yeah Katie, but let's wait for the others."
Jessica J is one of my best friends, there is also Heather and Jessica C. Jessica J is tall for her age. She has sandy brown hair. Heather is a blonde, is they’re more to say. She is also tall and skinny. Jessica C has blackish-brown hair. She also wears glasses and is tall and skinny. Me, my name is Katherine Edwards, but Katie for short. I wear glasses too. I have brownish-blonde hair. I am rather short and a little muscular built and I have blue-green eyes. My friends and I are in 9th grade.
“Yep, those are our targets. Infodump
physical descriptions and no personalities at all,” Foxglove says, then pauses
as she looks at the Words which make up everything of the completely undescribed
setting except for the
Sues and the Me crash dummy, which has changed from
a plain vaguely-human-shaped cloth dummy to match the description. “We appear to
be in present tense.” Laburnum winces.
"Okay and also we need to go to the middle school to pick up my brother and his friends" I say with a sigh on the last part.
“Please tell me she’s sighing about one of her brother’s friends, not her brother,” says Foxglove. “I don’t think I could take incest on top of Sues.”
“I don’t know, I think it was more ‘frustrated sigh’ than ‘happy sigh’,” says Laburnum. “Don’t know how we’re supposed to tell, though, since there’s no adverb or context to work it out from. Look, I’m getting sick of present tense. Can you pass me the CAD?”
Foxglove complies with her friend’s request.
[Present tense detected. Revert agents to past tense? Y/N]
Laburnum presses Y, and both agents felt the sensation of being switched to past tense.
“Well, that’s a relief,” said Foxglove. “I always get headaches in present-tense.”
“I don’t think that’s the only reason
we’re going to get headaches.”
A little later all of us are at the middle school waiting for my brother and his friends. "Hello David, Chris, and Logan.
“Wonderful. Three Stus as well as the four Sues.”
“You have to wonder which will be paired with which,” Foxglove pointed out. “That could get emotionally messy, couldn’t it?”
How was your last day of school?" I said with a nonexistent happiness.
The agents tried to puzzle this sentence out. Since it made no sense, the Sue had spoken in a monotone despite the enormous grin on her face.
“Shouldn’t that be false happiness?” asked Foxglove.
“Probably, yes,” said Laburnum, the grammar-whore of the duo, “but maybe she really was happy and was looking for another word entirely. It’s pretty much impossible to tell.” Foxglove did the best she could to use a laptop while standing up, and started to type the first charge.
"It was great!" Said David. As we were walking, the sky started to get cloudy.
The agents yelped as the tense shift
hit. The world shook for several seconds.
"Why don't we take a short cut though the woods?" I said.
"Okay, that sounds good." Everybody said.
The agents found it quite entertaining to watch the seven self-insertions speak in unison. It was quite an impressive effect, and Foxglove privately thought it proved her theory that Sues and Stus all have a Borg-like connection, which explains why they are all so similar. Not to mention they had the mentality of high school kids in a really cheap stalk-‘n’-slash movie.
We found the path that went though the woods and started to follow it, for some weird reason the path was just not right. I don’t know how to explain it, I just felt bad about going on the path, but I have used this path before so why did I have this weird feeling. The feeling was like when you are watching a horror movie and you feel like something is about to jump out and kill someone.
“Sadly not,” Laburnum hissed as the assassins stalked their prey. “Not enough charges to kill you yet, my pretties. But when we do, oh, when we do, you will suffer beyond your worst nightmares . . .” She cackled evilly.
“Sometimes I worry about you, Burnsey.”
“Only sometimes? I’m insulted. Oh, don’t forget the missing question mark.”
After about ten minutes of walking
down the path the trees started to get closer together and their branches were
intertwining and when I saw this it just added to the anxiety I already had.
Suddenly the wind started to pick up into a gust, a very strong one in fact.
“Let’s go back.” someone said behind me.
“How?” Jessica Clark said. I look behind me at the path. When I did this the path was gone. It was replaced by trees and such.
“Well I guess we keep going down the path.”
Laburnum clutched her head. “So they want to go back . . . so they’re going to try to go back by going forwards . . . no, wait, what – GAAH!” Foxglove patted her shoulder.
“Wasn’t it you who told me never to apply logic to Suvian fiction?”
Laburnum sighed. “Yes. But it’s easy to forget in situations like this.”
“Add ‘displaying extreme stupidity’ to the charges?”
So we continue down the path and all of us are not to happy about it.
Once again, the agents squeaked as the world shook, as if the ground had a swimming-pool’s wave machine built into it. Foxglove grabbed at a tree to steady herself and yelped as she skinned her palm on the bark.
“Random tense shifting for the charge list,” Laburnum reminded her.
“Like I didn’t notice?! And the weird phrasing. Shouldn’t that be ‘none of us were happy about it’?”
“Yes. Charge them.”
The forest starts to get darker, if that was even possible because it was already dark to begin with.
“Fox, have we all gone blind or was that just poor description?” said Laburnum in what she hoped was the direction of her partner.
“Poor description has caused us to go blind. Don’t worry, it’s only temporary. I think.”
After coming around the bend in the
path, we came upon a vortex. It was level with us, it was also about six feet
high and four feet wide.
“Well what do we do now?” asked Heather.
“I don’t know.” I say. When I said this the wind got stronger then it was before and it seemed that the vortex was sucking us into its depths. We all tried to grab onto something but we couldn’t find anything, which seemed odd because a moment ago we were standing right in some bushes.
“Ow!” Foxglove wailed as the agents found themselves sucked into the “vortex” along with the Sues, and her palms were scored by tree-bark again, this time because she had been groping through the trees to find her way in the pitch-darkness.
Well any way we were sucked in to its
dark depths. After that I lost all train of time and thought.
”Hey, cool, a train!” Foxglove pointed as the agents whirled by. A train, running on nonexistent tracks, passed by them. Laburnum read the label on its side; TIME AND THOUGHT.
“Never saw that company before- oof!” The pair landed on their knees and elbows in chapter two.
"Oh my head." I said. I slowly open my eyes, I slowly look at my suroundings. 'Yep, still in the forest. What a weird dream, about a mouse in armer and I know I am not in mossflower or anywhere near Redwall.'
“Erm, why think that? I mean, if this wasn’t a self-insertion fic it would be too screamingly obvious to waste a thought on.”
“Sues take so much longer to think than normal humans, they have to work everything out word by word in their heads,” said Foxglove with a smile.
“Is that true?”
“I doubt it, but it’s as good an explanation as any. Another case of displaying stupidity.”
I slowly bring my hand back to my head but instead of a hand there is a paw with fur. "Aaaaaaahhhh!!! Katie you are dreaming. Then who are these creatures that are around me? And you are still not anywhere near Mossflower. Where is a stream? Ah theres one." I walk up to the stream and I look in, and what I see is not my reflection but that of an otter's. "No no no no nooooo!!! I have gone insane! At least it is a dream come true."
Laburnum stared. “If it’s a dream come true, she’s got a bloody funny way of showing that she’s enjoying it. Oh, now they’ve transformed we’ll need to as well. Disguise Generator?”
A few minutes of fiddling later, and two tough-looking rats had replaced the girls. They were clad in camouflage-pattern homespun tunics instead of jeans and shirts, and would have looked normal for the location if not for the dark glasses, the electronic devices on their belts and the camera on a string round Laburnum’s neck.
I start to look around me and see 3 male hares, 'Oh no not hares. We'll starve to death in a week' I thought to myself. There is also 2 mice both females, and 1 squirrel female too. "Well I better go get some fire wood for the fire, so I can eat something."
“Like wot? She never mentioned food in that sentence,” the scrawny ship-rat that had been Foxglove pointed out in the vermin accent inflicted on her by the Disguise Generator. “Yeah, maybe she ‘as somefink in ‘er schoolbag, but last time I checked kids didn’t carry stuff that needed cookin’ over open fires ter school fer snack time.” The burly brown rat that Laburnum had become growled and checked her dagger edge.
As I walk though the woods and I notice how old the trees are and I think that it is weird, because all the big trees were cut down in the 1800's in America.
“She finks big trees are weirder’n wakin’ up as an animal?” Laburnum noted. “Right. Fox, change ‘displayin’ extreme stoopidity’ ter ‘repeatedly displayin’ Darwin-Award-level idiocy, lack of logic and an apparent lobotomy before the end o’ the second chapter’.”
“Already taken care of, cap’n,” Foxglove replied with an ironic salute.
When I got all the dead wood that was
dry I headed back to the camp. It took a while to get wood though, because I had
to get used to my new body and suroundings. When I finally got back the other
creatures where still asleep. After I got the fire started, which took a long
time trying to start, because I didn't have matches but I think want I used was
flint and tinder. After I started the fire I looked though my stuff, there was
my book, Taggerung(my favortite book ever (: ), a blanket which wasn't in with
my school stuff in fact all my school stuff was gone which is great in a happy
way. There was some containers that I hope that there was drinks inside, food, a
yellow travlers cloak, a sword also a dagger, and a letter. When I found the
letter I opened it and it read this:
Katie, You are in Mossflower Country. Redwall will soon be in great danger. You will be able to help it. I want you and your friends to travel east until the dirt path then go south to Redwall. You and your friends have everything you need.
“Ooh, ‘ow convenient,” said Laburnum in a voice that didn’t just drip irony but poured it out like a cloud in monsoon season. “Not only do they get instruckshuns, but a bunch of city kids some’ow know ‘ow ter find south an’ east in a forest.” Foxglove looked past the Sues and waved. “Foxglove, ‘oo are yer wavin’ ter?”
“Lady Contrivance,” Foxglove
explained, pointing to a woman standing just beyond the Sue group. “She’s the
one that makes sure the Sue’s lust objects always sees ’em skinny dippin’, or
that the villain puts ‘em in a stoopidly inefficient trap when he ‘as a
perfectly good weapon to kill ‘em wiv.” The anthropomorphic personification of
Lady Contrivance waved back, an impressive feat as she was apparently
tap-dancing on the head of a pin as she did so.
I turned it over to try to see if there was more on the back but there wasn't anymore. So at least I know where we are and how to get to a place of safty. As I was sitting by the fire my friends started to wake up and then they would freak out. Then I would have to calm them down, and then go over it five more times. After they were all a wake I started to make breakfast. So David and his friends were hares, Jessica C was a squirrel, Jessica J and Heather were mice, and me an Otter/:)/ . They keept asking questions as I made breakfast and I answered them.
The agents watched the uncanonicals eating their non-described Generic Food, and tried to remember which one was which as the narrator-Sue (easy to spot, as thanks to the Me dummy she still resembled a rather crude soft toy) told them they were in Mossflower. She apparently said it “with happiness”, as opposed to “happily”. Foxglove made a note of the third case of awkward phrasing so far.
" You mean we are in a place that is from a book!!" yelled Heather.
" Yes we are and I am the only one here that has read them all. So that is a big advantage for us. Also if you don't believe me then read this." I said angerly, and passed them the letter from whoever wrote it.
“It’s an advantage that only one of ‘em’s read it? So only one of ‘em knows wot the ‘ell they’re s’posed ter be doin’? An’ ‘avin’ a written note proves nuffink. She could ‘ave written it!”
As they read it one by one, Chris pipes up and asks " So what is this world like? Is it like Lord of the Rings?"
" Yes and no, because there is swords and all matter of weapons in both. Though the creatures that live here what to live in peace and there is no magic. The creatures at Redwall are like the hobbits in a way. Also there is no humans."
The agents stared at the Sue as this completely useless description came out of her mouth.
“Did that make any sense to yew?” asked Foxglove.
“Not a lot, an’ I’ve actually read the books. Dread ter think wot a newbie would make of it.” Of course, these being Sues and Stus, they accepted it as if they had actually understood it. More proof of Foxglove’s Borg-Sue theory.
" So what are we going to do?" asked Logan.
" We'll sleep here tonight and maybe head for Redwall in the morrow or stay and get used to our new bodys and maybe new names?"
" Why?" they all asked.
" Because it would be weird for an Otter named Katie or a Hare named David. Do you get my point?" They all noded.
“Well, Katie maybe, but not David. David’s a perfeckly reas’nable Biblical name, so it’s logical t’assume it would be fine ter use it in the Abbey,” said Laburnum, research obsessive. “And considerin’ the weird variety of names the beasts o’ Mossflower use, yer could call yerself just about anyfink an’ they wouldn’t raise an eyebrow!”
“And why is she capitalising the species names? This ain’t the Chronicles o’ Narnia.” Foxglove typed the seemingly endless charge list. “Wonderful. As if they weren’t confusin’ enough ter begin wiv, we now ‘ave ter remember two names fer each character.”
" Okay. I'll go get water for whatever we need it for." As I left my friends valenteered to help. I said okay, though in side I was mad for a reason unknown to me. As we were getting water I asked if they had looked inside their bags they all said no. ' Okay' I thought. While we were getting the water, they keept asking me what was wrong. I didn't answer, but after a while of them bugging me I toled them. "Why, Heather!"
" Why what?" she said.
" Why did you have to yell when I toled you that we are in Mossflower?" I said in a very angery way.
“They’re fightin’ fer no reason at all,” Foxglove pointed out. “Is this more stoopidity or anuvver charge?”
“Fightin’ fer daft reasons ter cause ‘drama’. Sep’rate charge.”
" Why are you getting so emotional, Katie. This place, for all we know is a dream!" While she was saying this her voice increased in volume.
" Because this place is pure. Not at all like our world were people die every day due to war.
“Oh yerss. Mossflower is a land of happy fwuffy ickle bunnies, jes’ like Sylvanian Families,” Laburnum said in a deeply sarcastic voice. “Never mind Cluny, an’ Badrang, an’ Feragho, an’ the fact that the animals reg’larly attempt ter KILL AND SOMETIMES EAT EACH OTHER!”
This place doesn't have weapons that can distory whole countrys." I yelled back.
“I’d like ter de-story yew!” Laburnum yelled. Foxglove clutched her friend’s belt loop, trying to prevent her from flinging herself at the Sues and Stus in a Bloodwrath-induced fit before the charge list was built up fully.
After our little fight I stoped talking to any of them. When we got back to camp, they all looked in their bags. The only weapons they had was a dagger each and a sling with pebbles.
Later, after we ate breakfast/lunch, I started to train them how to use their slings. The weird part has, is that I knew how to use them, when I have never seen one it my life. At this time I had forgotten my arguement with Heather. So all was okay with me.
“Sue! Sue!” screamed Laburnum. “‘Ow the bloody buggerin’ ‘ell can yer use a weapon y’ain’t never seen before, never mind practised wiv?! An’ nobody fergets argiments that quick, even pointless argiments!”
“Yes, Burnsey-bucko, those are valid concerns, but they’re gonna ‘ear yew!” Foxglove hissed urgently. “Calm down, we can get the liddle brats later!” Laburnum stopped pulling to get away from Foxglove, sighed and flopped down in the undergrowth.
Suddenly the chapter changed, and a long, boring, chatspeak-riddled Author’s Note introduced it.
“Wait, this is Chapter Three, right?”
“Well, larst one was Chapter Two an’ before that we ‘ad Chapter One, so that’d be logical.”
wordlessly pointed at the Words.
Chapter 2 a.k.a meet the bad guys!
“An’ yet she called it Chapter Three in the beginnin’ of ‘er bloody note.”
“Oh Muvver Natchure, even the author’s
not payin’ attenshun no more!”
He looked around at his camp all he saw was creatures slowly wake up and get there fires blazing again. He watched two ferrets getting their fire started. 'Where is that blasted vixen?' this creature thought to himself. This creature was a fox. His fur was darker then a moonless night, which matched his dark heart purfectly. His eyes had no luster, but it was said that his eyes would twinkle in the heat of battle. He wore the most simplist of clothes, which was a tunic that was also black. The fox's name was Yami. Just moments after he was wondering were she was, she walked into the camp. "Finally yew show yer feabitten hide." "Milord, I have great news." "Well get on wid it, Demia." Demia was a seer. She wore a simple forest green tunic and around her waist she wore a simple belt, which held all of her stuff so she could see the future. "Well Milord I have seen the red stone house for myself. It should be easy to take it over." "And what makes yew say that?" "Because only peace loving creatures live there."
“Completely ignorin’ the fact that several other ‘ordes ‘ave attacked it at various times o’er the centuries an’ all failed mizzubly,” Foxglove grumbled. “Not more beasts ter kill. Do we ‘ave ter break out the napalm ‘ere or summat?” Then the scene changed, leaving the rats lying in a heap in the middle of the Sue’s camp.
Somewhere else in Mossflower, we meet our friends having a good time.(NOT! That is the under statement of the year! Would you say friends that have no idea what to do when camping a good time!) "Katie can you help me." cried Chris. "What is it now!" I say with my last nerve gone up in smoke. "I can't get the fire started" he says back. "Whats so hard about litting a fire? All you do is use this and lite the leafs and there you go!" While I was saying that I showed him how to lite a fire. "How is breakfast coming Jess'?" "We just finished." replied Jessica J. "Okay while we eat lets think about new names. My new name is Tigerlily!" I say with excitement. "What about you guys?" "My name will be Jane." says Jessica Clark. "Crystallynn." says Jessica Jenks. "I'll be Aggron." my brother says. "I'll be Yeather." says Heather.(A/N: I didn't mean it to ryme!) "I guess i''l be Tollaw." says Logan. "Sence I am a fan of Pokemon" "What will be your name Chris?" I ask him."What did you say Chris?" "..............dix.....on......" "Speak up Chris." "Dixon okay!" "Thats a good name!
“Wot? No it’s not!” Laburnum said, aghast. “It’s even worse‘n Chris! Christopher is a Biblical name, like David, and so it could be used at the Abbey. Dixon sounds like a bloody used car dealership!”
“‘Avin’ stoopid names fer the charges?”
“Yerss, yerss indeedy. I ‘ave never seen ‘Crystallynn’ used as a name in anyfink which wasn’t a joke, an’ larst time I checked tigerlilies don’t grow in Mossflower. And ‘Jane’ – gee, which of these fings is not like the uvvers?”
Now that we all have names we can't
use our real names. When do you want to go to Redwall." "No not the cursed
place!" Cries Aggron. "It is not going to kill you, Aggron. The ownly reason you
don't like it is because I like it!" I say. "Lets go now" says Crystallynn.
"Great Idea!" After we ate breakfast, tied Aggron to a rope so that he won't run
away. We set out to Redwall.
The agents watched as Aggron, otherwise known as Generic Marty Stu #1, or possibly #2 or #3, was “tied to a rope”. That is, a rope was tied round his waist, and the other end was tied to another piece of rope, which tangled in his paws as he walked and was not held by any of the other fanbrats.
“Poor description or wot?” said Laburnum, trying hard to suppress a snigger until the sudden screaming author’s note caused her brief jollity to cease very quickly. The author had apparently realised it was almost impossible for the readers to remember which of her equally dull characters was which, and so had helpfully provided notes instead of attempting to imbue them with actual personality.
Me (Katie)---Tigerlily---Otter David--------Aggron----Hare Jessica Jenks--Crystallynn--Mouse Jessica Clark--Jane----------Squirrel Heather-----Yeather-----Mouse Chris---------Dixon------Hare Logan--------Tallow-----Hare
“And we’re s’posed ter remember all
this?” Laburnum groaned. “Geez, yer could blend all these liddle brats inter one
character an’ give it all their lines, and nobeast’d know the difference!”
Foxglove nodded in agreement as they watched the Sues and Stus talking about a
plan of action for possible dangerous situations which the author had earlier
claimed didn’t exist.
“Well there can be vermin around and well you guys don’t really now how to fight and if we get into trouble you all might get hurt and I don’t want that to happen.”
“Wow, Tigerlily I didn’t know that you cared.” Said Dixon.
“SHUT UP, DIXON THE VIXEN!” I yell at him.
“Wow, I should remember ‘ow to pronounce that!” said the impressed Foxglove, always seeking for new additions to her cuss collection. “<beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep>” was a new one on her. Cringing under the odd look Laburnum gave her, she added “using HTMLed beeps as profanity” to the charge list, then followed the Sue’s gang as they ran off.
Around noon we reach the road. By then
Dixon and me call truce and we all eat our lunch.
“So do you want to make a plan just in case?” I ask again.
“Yeah, why not.”
“Okay, um, when we get into trouble I’ll throw my stuff to someone and defend us, and Jane I want you to climb a tree and head straight to Redwall and get some help. The rest of you will run down the path towards Redwall. Is that okay with you?” I ask them.
“Yep, loud and clear don’t yew know, wot.” Says Aggron. At this I start laughing. “What’s wrong me old gel.”
“You’re talking like a hare, matey.” I replied.
“NO! I AM TURNING REDWALLISH!”
“‘Ow’s he talkin’ like an ‘are iffen ‘e’s never ‘eard one?”
“Lady Contrivance agin,” sighed
Another thing that was going through my mind was what book are we in? If not in a book then, will there be characters that I will know? ’Well’ I thought ’it can’t be in any books with Martin in it, because one: He would be able to defend the abbey himself and two: In most of his books Redwall wasn’t a place yet.’
“Number three, Martin wasn’t dumb enough to ask stoopid liddle kiddies who ain’t never even seen a sword to ‘elp. Maybe Samkim an’ a coupla the uvvers was inexperienced, but they wasn’t outright thick.” The group continued on for several more hours, agents getting severely bored, footsore and irritated by the Sues and Stus. They did, however, hear two bells ringing, thus proving they were in Mossflower some time after Redwall occurred.
When afternoon rolled around, we
started to see the very top of the abbey sticking up above the trees. Now I knew
what it felt like for travelers coming to Redwall for the first time. It was a
fantastic sight for one who has imagined it since I started reading the series.
Then I started to hear someone or more then one creature behind us.
“Give us all of youse stuff.”
“Oh, so cliché,” said Foxglove with an
eye-roll, as the disembodied voice spoke. Suddenly an author’s note screamed out
at them, causing her to jump and squeak in a way which really did not go with
her tough rat-brigand disguise. Laburnum clutched her head and whimpered as it
Well I am going to leave you hangin’ cuz I feel like it. But if I get reviews I will up date sooner. See there is an up side to reviewing isn’t there? Well R&R and I’ll be happy!
Before the agents could recover from the ghastly author’s note, the chapter shifted, leaving them both on the ground in the foetal position. They curled tighter as the author whined shrilly about her first bad review, and claimed that her attempts at writing vermin accents “sucked”.
“Do we ‘ave ter watch this?” wailed Laburnum.
“‘Fraid so,” Foxglove replied, pulling
herself into a sitting position and trying to haul her heavier friend upright
along with her. Laburnum unfolded slightly.
I turn around at the voice and I see possibly five foxes. When I see them I swear quietly to myself. “Why should we give your stuff to you? Ye mangy fox.” I spit at what I thought was the leader.
“Uh, because their stuff is theirs? I believe ye mean ‘give our stuff ter yew’, Sue.” Foxglove sighed. “Jes’ when yer think they can’t get any more stoopid . . .” She pointed to the “possibly five” foxes. Foxes kept flickering in and out of appearance, so it was impossible to tell how many there were supposed to be, only that it was a number somewhere between three and seven. The effect was pretty interesting to begin with, but after a few seconds it became rather sickening. The mid-sentence tense change made everything wobble, making it worse. Most horrible of all, a terribly-written, cliché fight scene suddenly began.
“Well you are not getting our food.” I
say to them, then whispered to my friends. “Get goin’ now and stick to the plan
and no arguin’ from any one. Now Go!” At this I take my sack off and throw it
behind me and pull out my sword. In the background I hear Jane climb a tree and
the others getting away.
“They’re gettin’ away!” One of the foxes yelled.
“You’ll have to get throw me first! LOAMSDOOOWWWNNN!!!” I say as I rush in and start fighting like mad, so my friends can get to safely at Redwall.
“Wot . . . where the ‘ell did she get that from?”
“No clue. There ain’t no ‘Loamsdown’ in Mossflower.”
Rushing in was my first mistake, you
see they rounded me on all sides. Which made fighting a whole lot harder and it
made me an easy target to get at, so I was getting wounds left and right. Just
when I was losing hope I faintly hear a yell and it started to give me hope. In
a flash a male otter was by my side helping me to fight. I tried to keep
fighting but slowly I was blacking out and what happened next was a mystery to
Without warning, the point of view shifted to the squirrel. Luckily, the Me dummy was built to deal with this, and the first narrator-Sue became a real-looking otter rather than a crude stuffed toy, and the squirrel smoothly became a dummy. Amazingly enough, neither of them actually noticed this. Nor did the fact that the squirrel was now an oversized ragdoll and therefore without bones or effective muscles affect her climbing. Laburnum wished she could use her camera while both she and the subject were moving as the agents ran down the path after the squirrel in the trees.
I climbed the trees as fast as I could. All that was going though my mind was ‘I must help Tigerlily. Must get to Redwall.’ It’d a good thing that I was a squirrel or this would have been a hard task. I quickly reach the ramparts. ‘Yes I’m here! Now I need to find help.’ I see three otters near the orchard. I run down to them gasping for air.
Foxglove, however, used her dagger to pick the lock on the wicker gate in the east wall, which took slightly longer but was much less tiring.
“Where’d yer learn that?” Laburnum asked her friend. “I knew ye was a psycho, but I didn’t realise yer was a catburglar!”
“I ain’t. I learned by practisin’ on me sister’s diary lock wiv an ‘airpin. Then she switched to a blog, so I tried hackin’ instead, but I never got very far wiv that.”
“Ah. Well, that’s alright then.”
“Friend....help....path....foxes.” I say to them. The male otter seemed to understand what I was saying.
“Which way north or south?” He asks me. I point north. When he saw me point north he runs to the building in the middle of the grounds and rounds up other otters.
“He’ll help your friend.” She stops then says.
“Wait a sec. ‘oo said?” Thanks to the poor description here, the undescribed male otter suffered an instant sex change and became an undescribed female otter for a few seconds before the universe remembered that that was not how things were supposed to work, and an indistinct but somehow female figure appeared next to the male otter.
“Sorry I didn’t get your name. I am the Mother Abbess of Redwall abbey and this is my mother Filorn and the one that just ran to help your friend is my brother Deyna.”
The figures suddenly became clearly defined as Mhera and Deyna, and Filorn suddenly popped into existence. Laburnum and Foxglove leapt backwards as the ottermum suddenly appeared out of thin air with a *POP!*
“Good grief, this is gettin’ painful!” wailed Laburnum, clutching her head again and sitting on the grass. “Let’s take a break.”
“Won’t somebeast notice a coupla rats in the Abbey grounds? I don’t want a repeat o’ last mission.”
“Nah. There’s been so many Sues ‘ere the character’s minds are all warped not ter notice stuff like that. ‘S like Rivendell – yer could go there done up as an orc an’ none o’ the elves’d see yer. We’re safe.”
Unfortunately, the assassin’s reprieve
did not last long, as there was another sudden pointless point-of-view shift.
This time it was Deyna. At least supposedly it was Deyna, but neither Laburnum
nor Foxglove remembered the poor otter being lobotomised. More unfortunately
still, it was a flashback containing many, many tense-shifts. The agents watched
the slightly fuzzy action replay of the battle, listening to Deyna’s voice-over
as Skipper and company slew the foxes.
“We better get a stretcher so we can get her back to Redwall.” Said Skipper. All of his otter’s give their slings and two give their javelins. We put her on it and quickly get her back to Redwall. When we get back to Redwall her friends see her like this, all bloody and unconscious. We take her up to the infirmary and hope Sister Floburt and Brother Egburt can help her.
“Causin’ Deyna ter act stoopidly an’ use bad grammar?”
The author’s notes yelled again, but
this time the girls were ready and covered their ears.
So how was it? I know that the end was hurried but I guess I can only do it from my POV, but I’ll try to work on it. I promise! Please R&R.
“Well, that’s a relief,” said Foxglove, then clapped her paws over her ears again as the chapter shifted and opened with yet more notes and a disclaimer supposedly said by the villain, which was probably intended to be funny. Chapter Six reopened in the original Sue’s POV, and the usual violent earth tremor which marked scene changes left the agents in the Infirmary. The Sue was just waking up.
I looked at my surroundings, I found a window to my right that showed trees and an open plane that looked, from this distance, like it had wildflowers growing in it. There were beds on my side and the other side of the room with a door on my right. The walls looked like they were made of some kind of stone. The color of the walls was hard to distinguish.
“OW!” yelped Foxglove as the walls turned Urple. Urple is well known as the ugliest colour in the known multiverse, worse even than Lovecraft’s famous “colour out of space”, which it admittedly does bear a vague resemblance to, and has a tendency to turn up in places where the author messes up a colour description. It causes extreme pain to the eyeballs, and being in a room painted entirely in Urple was too much for Foxglove to bear, even with her sunglasses on.
“C’mon, look out the window,” said Laburnum enthusiastically. “Look at the pretty plane!” For some reason known only to the Canon and the author’s nonexistent spelling abilities, a large jet plane was now parked on the lawn of Redwall Abbey. The window hatches and doors were all open, and copious quantities of wildflowers were spilling out. It was in fact stunningly beautiful, if you ignored the major Historical Inaccuracy; certainly better than being in an Urple-washed room with a blatant Mary Sue. Laburnum’s camera shutter snapped several times.
‘ But that doesn’t answer my previous question. Where am I?’ As if someone was reading my mind and trying to make me fell like I was insane. A hedgehog came into the room and came towards me.
“ How are you felling?” the hedgehog asked me, and by the voice it sounded like it was a female. “ I am Sister Floburt, one of the infirmary keeper at Redwall. My brother Egburt is the other one.”
“Causin’ Floburt ter use bad grammar.”
“Don’t she use bad grammar anyways, Laburnum?”
“Not this bad. ‘‘Ow are yer fellin’’ indeed.” Laburnum glared at Floburt, who merely carried on administering medication to the Sue. “We shoulda poisoned that stuff.”
There was a knock on the door to my left that the sister had come in from and Floburt went and poked her head out the door into the hallway.
“ Hello, may I help you?” Floburt asked whoever was in the hallway.
“ Yes,” Said a familiar voice. “ We would like to know if our friend is awake?”
Floburt nodded her head and let them in. Once my friends saw me awake and sitting up, they rushed towards me. Jane was the first to reach me and almost killed me in her bear hug of hers, finally when she let go the rest of the girls did the same and my brother, I swear he almost broke a couple of ribs. Dixon and Tollaw just stood off to the side and watched me be hugged to the brink of death. Finally Floburt stepped in and told them that I needed to rest. I think she saw me turn blue a couple of times and felt pity for me.
They stopped hugging me but asked if they could stay longer. Floburt let them stay, but the guys went to dinner, knowing that there was going to be crying.
“ I well leave you all alone and I will send someone up to bring you all dinner.” Floburt said.
“Errrr . . . did that make any sense? They went ter dinner, then they hadn’t, and . . . I ain’t even gonna try ter work that out.”
“I fink she means the boys went ter dinner an’ the girls stayed.” This did indeed happen, simply because it was the best way Canon could make sense of the previous paragraph. “More bad phrasin’.”
“ Thank you.” I replied. Floburt left and I looked to my friends. “ So what have up all been up to?”
“ Well since you have been asleep for five days we have been worrying about you, worrying, helping around the place, and worrying.” Replies Yeather.
“FIVE DAYS? FIVE FRICKIN’ DAYS?! I’d like ter think that if I was knocked out fer five days I’d be told as soon as I woke up!” Laburnum whispered at Foxglove, resisting the urge to scream it.
“Say no more. Time-shiftin’ on the charge list.”
“ Oh. Well I hoped you had fun helping out.” I said meekly. “ Also I’m sorry for having you worry about me.” There was a knock on the door again and a male otter and a male harvest mouse come in pushing trays that had a large amount of food.
“ Here you go. Some of Redwall’s finest food.” The harvest mouse said.
“I notice it ain’t described at all,” pointed out Foxglove. “If it’s that good, share a description wiv yer readers even if ye can’t share the food!” The trays, which were being pushed along on runners because they were trays and not in fact trolleys, which the author had probably meant, were stacked high with the whitish cubes of fuzzy substance that the agents recognised as Generic Food.
“ Thank you Nimbalo.” Said Yeather. Once I heard that name I had a really hard time trying to conceal my surprise and happiness. ‘ Soooo that letter was true! YAY! Man I need to lay off on the preverbal sugar.’
I guess I had a very happy look on my face, because the male otter asked, “I guess you must be very hungry. I know I would be after five days.”
“She looks ‘appy so ‘e assumes she’s ‘ungry?” asked a puzzled Laburnum. “That don’t make no sense, do it? Well, ‘e is bringin’ food, but the way she sez it sounds like ‘e thought she was ‘appy because she was ‘ungry . . . now I’m confused agin.”
“ Well yeah. Um” I said starting to get nervous because I didn’t know him and I am really, really shy around people I don’t know. “ Um...My names Tigerlily.” I said meekly.
“Well my name is Deyna, and I already knew your name because your friends already told us, as in the residents of Redwall, your name.”
“Oh.” I said while glaring at my friends.
“ Well I let you and your friends talk. Come on Nimbalo.” Said Deyna.
When the door finally closed I turned to my ‘friends’ and asked, “ Why does the whole population of REDWALL KNOW MY NAME.” While raising my voice.
“ Tigerlily not so loud! They kept asking us your name so we told them and it somehow got around the place.” Said Jane.
“Wait. They tell the critters who are treatin’ her inj’ries ‘er name . . . an’ she is angry ‘bout this?” said the utterly gobsmacked Foxglove. “Wow, this kid really ‘as some anger mannidgement problems if that’s all it takes ter send ‘er inter a screamin’ rage!”
“She’s worse’n me wiv PMS, an’ I ‘ave the excuse o’ Bloodwrath!”
“ Oh. Um…so how do you like the place?” I asked them all.
“ We really enjoyed it, including the guys. We can see why you like the books. The dibbuns are really innocent, more innocent then the kids back home.” Said Crystalyn.
“Would they be?” asked Foxglove.
“Well, they don’t ‘ave TV an’ violent computer games ter corrupt ‘em, but they see a lot o’ stuff fer real – beasts dyin’ of illness, maybe killin’s – Baby Dumble was fightin’ crows ‘isself before ‘e was outta nappies, though I don’t think ‘e was too effective at it,” Laburnum pondered aloud. “An’ they’re gonna be learnin’ work a lot earlier’n real kids, prob’ly soon as they c’n walk. Not ter mention I ‘ave the feelin’ that the ones ‘oo live outside the Abbey wiv their families might take after their real-world vershuns.”
“Meanin’ . . . ?”
“Meanin’ the ‘ole fam’ly prob’ly sleeps in the same room, or mebbe tent, so the kiddies’ll sometimes see their parents ‘avin se-”
“EW! Sorry I asked!” Foxglove wailed.
“This from the lass ‘oo wrote an otterslash story?”
“No fair, yew dared me ter do that! ‘Twas on’y PG anyways.”
“Back ter the point. I think we c’n charge ‘er.” Laburnum looked back to the Sue and her co-stars.
Suddenly, out of the blue I yawn. “ I guess I’m still tired and I’ve had five days of sleep!”
“ We’ll leave you to go back to sleep. O’tay?” said Jane.
The agents stared, speechless.
“That’s the first time I’ve seen that misspellin’,” said Foxglove.
“My Lord, ‘ow ‘ard can it be ter spell ‘okay’? Fer cryin’ out loud, it’s four letters at most an’ it’s fine ter use two!” came a strangled scream from Laburnum’s throat, but it was suddenly drowned out by a howling author’s note, a chapter shift which knocked the girls over, fortunately onto an Infirmary bed, and more howling author’s notes. It was like standing in an extremely noisy hurricane that affected only them, and not the characters or any of the furniture. They clasped their paws to their ears and waited for the author’s inane burblings about reviewers and sugar packets to be over. A full night passed in about three seconds, and the next chapter started with the Sue waking up.
I awoke the next morning, way before dawn, to scrapping noises and laughter at the door. I sat there asking to myself why Dibbuns like doing that and getting their elders up at whom knows at what time in the morning.
“ Shush…Kitler. We don’t wanna wake-a-up muther abbess, or be’d sent back to bed.” Said a young male.
“You shusha up, Mikler!” Said whom I figured to be Kitler, which sounded like a young female. I slowly heard them make their way down the stairs, to some place or another. I would of got up and told them to go back to bed but it was sort of hard to get up with bruised ribs and the like.
I figured I would try to go back to bed, and maybe try to go to the Cavern Hole for breakfast, that is if I am allowed to go. I wondered this because there were times throughout the books, were the injured stayed in the infirmary until they were healed. But I really wanted to see the place that I had dreamed about coming to since I watched an episode of Martin the Warrior on PBS. Which in turn got me hooked onto the books.
“The TV show stinks, don’t it?” said Laburnum.
“Wot’s that got ter do wiv the Sue? But yeah, it does stink.”
“Nuffin’, I jes’ wanted ter point it out. I used ter watch it jes’ ter get a fandom fix, but I ‘ated it.”
I somehow fell asleep, because the next thing I know is that someone is trying to get me awake by saying my name softly.
“Muvver Natchure, is she narcolepsic or summat?” asked Laburnum. “She seems ter sleep more’n is ‘ealthy.”
“This from yew, sleepy’ead? ‘Member last mission? I was up at dawn an’ yew slept till I fought yer’d died in the night!”
“Oh come on. I on’y slept in till nine at the latest. An’ then yew decided ter jump on me an’ wake me up. I’ve certainly never slept five days straight, then gone back ter sleep an hour later.” They kept watching an extremely boring sequence in which David-Aggron-Stu woke up Katie-Tigerlily-Sue, who screamed and caused him to fall on the floor. Deyna walked in and saw this, awkwardly said “ Um… I’ll just go now.”, complete with the full stop replacing the comma, and left without anybeast except the agents seeing him. His ability to enter and leave unseen was acceptably in-character, as he was still the legendary warrior Taggerung even though he had dropped the title in the book (“Who can outrun the wind / Yet turn on a single leaf? / Stand silent as an amberfly / Or steal the breath from a thief?” as the original book had described him) and besides the Sue and Stu were otherwise occupied glaring at each other. However, his nervous statement was horrendously out-of-character. At no point in the book had Deyna expressed such nervousness or awkwardness as he did here. In-character Deyna would have asked what was going on. Laburnum’s temple began to twitch as Foxglove noted the new charge on her laptop.
“ Good morning dear brother,” I say with an awfully sweet tone. “ Why are you up here, trying to wake me up?”
“Um… I kind of came to tell you that breakfast is ready. And that Sister Floburt should be here soon to see if you can come down to Cavern Hole to eat.” As if she was standing outside the door waiting for her cue, she came in.
“ Well how do you feel this morning Tigerlily?” She asked me.
“Um… I feel better then yesterday, but my ribs still hurt a little bit.” I replied.
“Well lets check on a couple of things and then we’ll go from there.” Just as I was about to take my tunic off, I realized my brother was still in the room, looking around.
“ Aggron, um… can you go outside?”
“Uh?” His attention must have been somewhere else in his mind because he looked at me, saw that my wounds were about to be checked and quickly left the room. I was surprised he didn’t yell on his way out, but that’s my brother, you never knew when he was going to be like that.
The agents whimpered and stared at the flower-filled aeroplane outside the window to avoid having to focus on either Urple walls or semi-naked Katie-Tigerlily-Sue. Admittedly since she was A) essentially a giant ragdoll rather than a real creature, B) covered in fur even if she had been a real creature, they wouldn’t actually be able to see anything unpleasant, but it was the principle of the thing.
After being checked over I was allowed to go down to breakfast, but I had to take it easy and don’t be running around. Fudge, how could she of read my mind? Since that’s was what I was planning on doing. She went out of the room and let my brother in so he could help me down to Cavern Hole and also to make sure that I didn’t get lost.
Foxglove and Laburnum followed the Sue out of the Infirmary and down to Cavern Hole, glad to get out of the Urple room, though Laburnum couldn’t resist taking one more picture of the flowery plane outside the window. For once they were relieved that the Sue paused to admire the famous tapestry, because that gave Laburnum a chance to take more pictures.
Oh man, was the food delicious. I had a little bit of everything that I thought looked good.
Despite the food’s deliciousness, it apparently merited no description whatsoever, consistent with both instances food had appeared in the story before, so every table was covered with nothing but Generic Food. A definite first for Redwall Abbey. Suddenly a loud siren sounded throughout the hall, which shook. Laburnum reflexively shouted “Earthquake!” and leapt to her footpaws, but Foxglove grabbed her paw and calmed her.
“Relax, it‘s jes’ the scene change.” She pointed to the words. For some reason, the scene change had been delineated not with a line break or even tildes, but with the following;
“Okay. Even by my standards, that was strange.” They looked around and realised the scene-change had dumped them outside the Abbey, just behind Deyna and the various Sues and Stus.
After breakfast I had my friends show me around the abbey that they had learned how to make their way around. Deyna walked with us and listened to us talk and I listened to the exact details of what they had been doing while I had been having a nice long nap in the infirmary.
“…So Aggron, Dixon, and Tallow where caught by the cellar keepers with them trying to lug two barrels off into the guardhouse. They only got to the door way to the cellar, before they were caught. Do you want to know what they said, Tigerlily?” Asked Yeather.
“ Yes what has my little brother been up to?”
“ Wait! How can Aggron be your brother when you are an otter and he is a hare?” Asked Deyna with a look on confusion on his handsome face. WAIT! Handsome! Come on Katie you need to get a grip! No guy crushes!
The agents paused.
“Foxglove, do yew ‘ave pers’nal or religious beliefs that forbid bodily mutilayshun?”
“Bodily mutilayshun as in self-‘arm, or as in piercin’s?” asked the worried Foxglove.
“As in ‘elpin’ me gouge me eyes out after pitcherin’ that.”
“That’s prob’ly not a good idea, Burnsey me bucko.” Foxglove had to agree, though. That was not a mental picture she had particularly wanted. That was the first time she’d ever seen a Redwall Human Sue crushing on a canon character, even in parody, and the duo’s love of cute-furry-animal characters did not extend that far. Not to mention the Sue’s complete lack of concern that she was apparently lusting for wildlife, and the fact that Deyna had now become essentially a Sue’s puppet. She whimpered and pawed at her own eyes as Deyna and the Sue chattered happily. Laburnum gritted her teeth and breathed deeply, staring at the Sue as if to set her on fire with a look.
During our little talk we found ourselves by the pond that was near the south outer wall. You could see the fish at the bottom; the water was that clear and unpolluted. Which made me like this place more and more and also the fact that I was an otter made it better. Who would give up a chance to swim in water so clean and fresh? Sure back home there was a lake that was clear but you still had gasoline and other chemicals in the water from the boats and other things.
“Completely ignorin’ the fact that the fish don’t get out ter go ter the bathroom!” said Foxglove in a faux-cheerful voice, trying to distract her partner, whose eye-whites now contained thin streaks of bright red, a symptom of the Bloodwrath caused by blood vessels swelling due to rage.
“ So…” I say. “ What did my brother, Vixen-“
“Hey!” cries Dixon.
“- and Baka (1) say to the cellar keepers?” I say ignoring the interruption by Dixon.
Foxglove scrolled down in the words when the Sue suddenly inserted a number into her speech.
(1) It’s Japanese for idiot and it also is a swear word. I use it for idiot and I use it for my brother's friend Logan cuz’ he’s at my house almost every weekend. Grrrrr. Well at least they stay in my brother’s room and play video games
“Ah. Footnotes explainin’ fangirl Japanese.” Laburnum tensed, then howled at the top of her voice, ripping with her claws at her facial fur.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! THAT REALLY, REALLY DOES IT!” She stamped out towards the pond.
“Well, hell-o, liddle victim,” she snarled. Deyna stepped in front of Katie-Tigerlily-Sue.
“What are you doing here, vermin?” he snapped. Laburnum grinned, snapped her sunglasses down onto her eyes and raised the neuralyser. A quick flash, and Deyna’s eyes glazed while the Sues and Stus gawped.
“I’ve seen better looks on ye, bucko,” Laburnum said. “Well, it won’t last long. Jes’ remember ye don’t know this liddle hoor or her pals, and ain’t ever gonna see ‘em agin, not that ye’d care.” She glared at the Sue, who attempted to run until Foxglove dashed out in front of her and performed an impressive cannonball kick to her jaw. The Sue dropped like a stone. The Stus and other Sues also ran for their lives, but the agents were fast and well-trained, certainly enough to catch a few untrained, city-raised kids in the enclosed Abbey grounds. Within five minutes seven unconscious uncanonicals lay scattered on the Abbey lawn. Working quickly, Laburnum opened up a portal to a random reasonably-safe location in Mossflower and attempted to drag Katie-Tigerlily-Sue into it, then remembered that as a general rule, rats cannot lift otters.
“Bloody ‘ellgates, she’s ‘eavy. ‘Ere, Deyna, gizza paw wiv this lot!”
Deyna, still under the neuralyser’s influence, didn’t hesitate to help. Laburnum had used the highest setting for it, so he’d be a mental vegetable for up to fifteen minutes, whereas his body still worked normally, and the unconscious uncanonicals disappeared through the portal, swiftly followed by the agents, who had no desire to repeat last mission’s fiasco, even though this time it would be goodbeasts who caught them and not vermin.
All seven uncanonicals hung from tree branches by their wrists, gagged and bound paw and claw with torn-off strips of their own shirts. Laburnum and Foxglove strutted between them, slapping them occassionally with the flats of their daggers.
“Now me dearies, we know ‘oo y’are an’ why yer ‘ere,” said Foxglove. “Now listen ter Miz Laburnum as she tells yer ‘xactly why we dragged yew ‘ere.” Laburnum took a deep breath and looked down at the notes Foxglove had made for her.
“Katie Edwards, otherwise known as Tigerlily; Jessica Jenks, otherwise known as-” she stifled a snicker, “Crystallynn; Jessica Clark, otherwise known as Jane; Heather, otherwise known as Yeather,” she grimaced, “David, otherwise known as Aggron; Chris, otherwise known as Dixon; and Logan, otherwise known as Tollaw, ye be ‘ereby charged wiv the followin’, er, charges.” She breathed deeply, looked down at the notes again and continued. “Wiv bein’ Mary Sues and Marty Stus; bein’ in-dis-ting-wish-able from each uvver; usin’ poor description; usin’ awkward phrasin’ where perfeckly good phrases could easily be used instead; usin’ overlong an’ unnecessary author’s notes; usin’ really, really orful spellin’ an’ syntax – no comments ‘bout the accents please, we can’t ‘elp ‘em - causin’ pointless an’ random tense changes; employin’ Lady Contrivance ter get yer stuff; usin’ emoticons in prose; repeatedly displayin’ the most extreme post-lobotomy-level stoopidity we’ve ever seen; fightin’ fer no reason an’ fergettin’ it five seconds later; confusin’ PPC agents; ‘avin’ two names each, confusin’ us even furver; switchin’ yer first set o’ perfeckly good names fer stoopid ones; misspellin’ yer own names; thinkin’ Mossflower ain’t as dangerous ter be in as where yew live – if yer live in nice neighbour’oods, which I’d say yer do, yer much, much safer than in Mossflower, because vermin gangs roam Mossflower lookin’ fer liddle buggers like yew ter enslave or possibly eat. Didn’t fink o’ that, did yer? Anyways, back ter the charges. Yew are also charged wiv bein’ able ter use weapons yer’ve never seen perfeckly first time; mixin’ up yer chapters; causin’ the creation of a partickly stoopid Generic Villain and Generic ‘Ordebeasts; ‘avin’ one o’ yer number ‘ate Redwall fer no good reason wivout even ‘avin’ seen it; ‘tyin’ a beast to a rope’ wivout attachin’ it ter anyfink; usin’ haitch-tee-em-elled bleeps as per-, profinny-, gah, I mean cusses; usin’ stoopid battle cries ‘bout nonexistent places; fightin’ off five foxes single-pawed when they was better trained’n you; causin’ gratchooitous point-of-view shifts; makin’ Deyna out-o’-character an’ causin’ ‘im ter act stoopidly an’ use bad grammar; creatin’ Urple-painted rooms which ‘urt our eyes; puttin’ an aeroplane full o’ flowers on the Abbey lawn, thus usin’ a Level Nine ‘Istorical Inaccuracy as a really stoopid lawn ornament; causin’ Sister Floburt ter use much worse grammar’n usual; causin’ time-shifts; makin’ the Redwallers repeatedly eat Generic Food; throwin’ ‘issyfits fer no reason; thinkin’ Dark Ages children would be more ‘innocent’ than ones from yer own era; ‘avin’ one of yer number ‘crushin’’ on Deyna, ‘oo in case yew dumb fanbrats didn’t notice is an AN-IM-AL; bein’ completely unconcerned ‘bout bein’ in love wiv an ANIMAL when yew ain’t one; thinkin’ the Abbey pond is perfeckly clean despite the fish; usin’ fangirl Japanese in a fandom set in a English-type place in the Dark Ages, an’ I can’t even begin ter tell yer wot’s wrong wiv that. Oh, an’ annoyin’ PPC agents. Fer these crimes, yew are all ‘ereby condemned to a painful death! Any last words, me darlin’s?”
The Sues and Stus did apparently have last words, but since they all said different things at the same time, it was impossible to tell what any of them had said beyond a general plea not to be killed. It lasted an unnecessarily long time, and they all had irritatingly shrill voices.
“Sorry, kiddies, not good enough,” said Foxglove with a smirk. Laburnum, whose eye-whites had slowly been growing redder and voice more dangerous throughout the uncanonicals’ whining, darted forward, snatched the sling from the narrator-Sue’s belt and wrapped it around her neck in one smooth movement. She started to cinch it tight. The Sue gurgled. Foamy drool flecked with sparkly blood dripped over her chin through the gag as the sling throttled her.
“Uh, Burnsey, ever thought of maybe takin’ anger mannidgement classes?” asked Foxglove in a tremulous voice. Laburnum stopped twisting the sling-straps and turned to her partner, face calmer but disbelieving.
“Are yew the same girl ‘oo ‘elped me stick a full skin of ‘edge’og quills into a male’s groin because he groped me? Or the same girl ‘oo broke every bone in Mike Wilson’s left arm because ‘e spoiled the end of ‘The Sandman: Game of Yew’ for yer?”
There was a long pause, in which Katie-Tigerlily-Sue gasped and gurgled some more.
“Touché. Keep goin’.”
Finally, the narrator-Sue was dead, and transformed back into the vaguely-humanoid dummy she had been to start with, although the neck was rather narrower than it had been before. Laburnum stood back and wiped her paws on her breeches.
“There. Dummy’s unharmed – well, the dummy’s dead, but the stuffed one is un’armed, iffen yer sees wot I mean. Now Makes-Things ain’t got no reason ter yell at us this time. Now we c’n dispose of this bunch in a much neater way.” She smirked evilly and turned to the terrified uncanonicals. “Foxglove me darlin’, I’d like yer ter portal us back a couple years to a certain pygmy shrew colony . . .”
Foxglove’s eyes widened, then she duplicated the smirk and programmed the coordinates into the Portal Generator.
The great eel Yo Karr was having fun with his latest meal. The agents had portalled past the pygmy-shrew guards, the worshippers of Yo Karr, and were pushing the remaining Sues and Stus one by one into the pool. Even otters can’t outswim a giant eel when they have rocks tied to their tails. Foxglove derived a certain amount of sadistic glee from watching the hog-tied David-Aggron-Stu shriek and squirm in the jaws of the eel, impaling himself further on its fangs.
“Take that, Mister I ‘Ate Redwall Jes’ ‘Cos Me Sister Likes It,” she hissed at the hare as he disappeared down the eel’s throat. Sparkly blood made pretty swirly patterns in the water, mixed with the scraps of cloth that were all that remained of the uncanonicals’ anachronistic clothes, shredded along with their wearers by the eel’s teeth. Laburnum’s camera clicked again.
“Trippy piccies this mission. Y’know, the pygmy shrews believe sacrifices to Yo Karr increase the ‘arvest of eels,” Laburnum reflected. “Think they’ll get more this year ‘cos o’ this?”
“‘Oo knows? Mebbe summat good’ll come o’ those bloody fanbrats.”
“That’d be a first. Let’s go ‘ome, these voices is real annoyin’.”
“Umm, ‘fraid we can’t. We gotta dispose o’ the Obligat’ry Vermin ‘Orde.”
“Argh!” Laburnum slapped her forehead. “We can’t kill an entire ‘orde at once!” Her bluish-grey eyes widened as an idea clicked into her brain. “Wait. We can. We just ‘ave ter go back ter HQ fer long enough ter pick up a little more equipment . . .”
The black fox Yami and his seer Demia watched with astonishment as a mousemaid wandered into the middle of the camp, alone and unarmed. The Generic Vermin surrounding him were too surprised, or possibly too stupid, to do anything. The black-furred mousemaid grinned cheekily and waved at him.
“Yami?” she asked. Without waiting for a reply, she continued. “You are hereby charged with being an even-more-stupid-than-usual Generic Villain, having a horde of Generic Vermin, having a Japanese name, using an utterly pathetic vermin accent, and assuming Redwall Abbey is a pushover. The penalty is death. My partner is busy priming the instrument of execution right now, and I should join her. Bye-bye.” With that, she disappeared into the treeline.
Seconds later, an explosive glitterball obliterated the vermin horde. All that was left was several rodent-sized gallons of blood and a lot of glitter, splattered over the ground and trees of the clearing.
Laburnum and Foxglove, now disguised as mice so their slaying of vermin would be canon-compatible, climbed up onto the firing arm of the Canon Catapult for a better view. Foxglove whooped triumphantly. Laburnum took a photo of the mess.
“Neeeaat. Or rather, not neat at all, unbelievably messy, but fun. Remind me to get my film developed,” she said, revelling in her restored ability to use correct grammar.
“We’ll have to ask Makes-Things if we can borrow the DoSat’s darkroom,” Foxglove reminded her.
“Mmm, I think he’ll be okay with it. At least, he’ll be so gobsmacked that we haven’t broken anything this mission that he won’t be able to prevent us.”
Laburnum’s prediction proved correct, as Makes-Thing’s first words to them as they stepped into his lab were a rather irritable “What did you break this time?”
“Nothing,” Foxglove said smugly. “We just wanted to return your crash dummy.” She held out the yellow cloth cube the dummy was folded into. “The neck got a bit squished, but it’s still perfectly usable.”
Makes-Things took the cube, pulled the cord and examined the now-inflated dummy.
“Wow. You’re right, it’s fine except for the neck needing restuffing. I was worried for a while there, I thought you might have decided to go back to your English roots and hold Bonfire Night a little early.” He glared at the smirking field-agents. So the Deathwish Duo got through a mission without breaking any equipment. Looks like I owe Techno-Dann a drink.
“Can we use your darkroom?” Laburnum asked.
“Why?” asked the suspicious technician.
“I want to develop my photos of lakes of blood,” Laburnum replied, smirking even more broadly at Makes-Thing’s expression. He pointed wordlessly towards the darkroom, waited till the agents were throught the door and out of his sight, then opened a drawer in his desk and started to rummage. He needed his nerve medication.
“That. Was. Horrible,” gasped Laburnum, flopping down on the sofa and scooping Marile onto her lap. “Sorry we had to leave during a mealtime, baby.” She patted the slimy head of her serpentine pet and drew the folder of photos from her pocket.
“Hey, at least you got to take out your frustrations on the narrator-Sue,” Foxglove pointed out, programming “Coca-Cola” into the food replicator and picking up her copy of “Good Omens” from the floor. “You really should get something done about your inner rage. I’ll teach you some yoga if you like, next time we have an hour free.”
Right on cue, the console beeped, though not with anything like its previous urgency or volume. Foxglove took the can of Coke from the food replicator and checked out the console.
“Oh NO!” she wailed.
“What? After the abomination last mission, and me nearly dying the one before that . . . what else can scare you?”
Foxglove read from the screen.
“‘Enrolment Form for the Good Omens Official Fanfiction Summer School . . .’”
[Author's note; In Foxglove’s words; OW! That’s all I have to say about the writing of this little gem, quite apart from the awful spelling and level of general confusion. Not the first time I’ve seen a kid dropped into Insert Fandom Here fall in love with Insert Character Here, but it’s CERTAINLY the first time I’ve seen one in the Redwall fandom. Yes, I’m aware of furry fans, but one would think that a teen human girl would express a little more concern about finding herself crushing on an otter. It’s also the first time I’ve seen someone misspell “okay”. Though writing all those vermin accents was fun. I hope you can read it. If you had difficulty knowing what Laburnum meant by “hoor”, it’s the nearest you can get to saying “whore” when your voice is filtered through that of a Mossflower rat. Bonfire Night is an English holiday when Guy Fawkes, a bloke who attempted to blow up the government four hundred or so years ago, is burned in effigy with much rejoicing even among those who want to blow up the government themselves. The Canon Catapult was so much fun to use – thanks to Araeph’s mission here for the inspiration. The hedgehog quills incident was last mission – go check it out – and as for the Sandman mention, allow me to plug the series, even though of the only two books I’ve read all the way through, “Preludes and Nocturnes” scared me shitless and “Game of You” is one of the few books that ever made me cry, and certainly the only comic collection. It did take me several pages to realise that Wanda was in fact an MTF transsexual and not simply a very badly drawn woman, and I am suitably embarrassed because of that. No, Agent Foxglove is not named after the blonde lesbian in Sandman, that’s pure coincidence and a pretty name. (I don't think I'd even heard of the comic when I named her.) Back to the notes, expect more Redwall missions, because for such a tiny fandom it has some scarily bad fic. Harry Potter needs us too, though, so we may or may not go back to that next mission. But of course the girls are currently at the Fanfiction University and so cannot do any missions. (No, I won’t wait till GOOFSS is finished to do more missions, because then we’d be waiting for months. All future missions will merely be set after GOOFSS (which can be found here). Watch this space!]
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