Mossflower Science Theatre #1: "Shadow Rapes Matthias"



Disclaimer; Agents Laburnum and Foxglove are mine. Stormsong and Skyfire are makhsihed's. All other characters involved belong to Brian Jacques. The idea of Mystery Science Theatre belongs to Best Brains. "Shadow Rapes Matthias" belonged to a particular writer at the Yiffy Story Archive, who apparently doesn't want to be associated with it anymore (what a surprise!) as they took it down from their page, so I figured it's fair game.

Setting based on the Fanfiction University (
kit_n_minty) but you can probably suspend disbelief even if you haven't read it.


(Scene; the Death Pit Theatre. The bottom oardeck of the Goreleech has been cleaned up and the oars removed, but the chains are still attached to the benches, though not currently in use. A cinema screen takes up the front end of the deck. Five figures sit on the front bench – a big one-eyed rat, idly flicking his unusually long tail; a silvery-furred vixen in a fur skirt and a shirt which looks terribly torn and dishevelled, as if she had to be held down and have it forced over her head; a tall patchy-furred hare devouring a bag of popcorn; a much smaller hare with black fur and pink ribbons on her ears, and a plump brown-masked ferret. The ferret and the smaller hare look up at the camera. The ferret speaks first.)

LABURNUM: Hi, I’m Agent Laburnum …

FOXGLOVE: And I’m Agent Foxglove …

LABURNUM & FOXGLOVE: And welcome to Mossflower Science Theatre!

LABURNUM: Now you may know us from our adventures with the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and in a sense that’s why we’re here. Our friends Stormsong and Skyfire have just come out of yet another set of bad lemons, and we, er, got into a discussion about whether they could be anything like as bad as the ones they wound up doing for their first few missions. They bet us a crate of Bleepka that this lot were equally bad, so we’re here to watch and judge for ourselves. (waves to projection booth) They’re in there, so they can make sure we watch it all but still have easy access to Stormsong’s medication if he starts flashing back.

(Window of projection booth opens and two paws, one ginger and one grey, poke out and wave.)

FOXGLOVE: And we’ve called in a little help to make this more fun. Say hello to our suckers- I mean volunteers. Cluny the Scourge, infamous rat warlord, near-conqueror of the Abbey, fears nothing, not even bad yiff fic … (Cluny shrugs and scowls at the camera.) Aren’t you going to say a few words?

CLUNY: Don’t tempt me. I’m only here because I need to research for the class I’m teaching back at OFUR.

SILVAMORD: (under breath) Research. Riiight.

FOXGLOVE: And that brings us to our second co-riffer, the lovely lady Silvamord! (Silvamord waves and smiles at the camera.) Now can you tell us why you’re here?

SILVAMORD: Because Felana Tanzanite is in heat and I need a place to hide out till the dope we slipped her kicks in, her other favourite victims had already taken the usual staff hiding places, and the Death Pit Theatre doesn’t contain my husband, so it seemed as good as anywhere else to hide.

CLUNY: You may find yourself regretting that decision …

SILVAMORD: Oh, I have to watch a little bad fanfiction. I’m sooooo scared.

FOXGLOVE: Well, moving on … last but not least, the one, the only, Basil Stag Hare! So why are you here?

BASIL: (waves, swallows popcorn) Oh, you know, it sounded like a lark. And we get popcorn! (rummages in bag, paw comes out covered in crumbs) Oh, lackaday, I’m all out! D’you mind if I go get some more, wot?

LABURNUM: Probably not a good idea. This is bad yiff we’re watching, you know.

BASIL: Ah, yes, good point. Don’t want to make myself feel too sick to joke.

SILVAMORD: Oh, come on, it can’t be all that bad.

LABURNUM: You did see that series, didn’t you?

SILVAMORD: That was a fluke. There can’t be two writers that bad in a single smallish fandom. Harry Potter, yes, but there aren’t all that many Redwall fanwriters.

CLUNY: (under breath) Somebeast’s about to get a rude awakening …

FOXGLOVE: Well, we’re about to find out. Roll it, guys!

(Countdown starts on screen. 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 …)

ALL: (Cluny and Silvamord half-heartedly) WE’VE GOT STORY SIGN!

Shadow Rapes Matthias

(All sit perfectly still, totally stunned.)

BASIL: Oh good grief.

LABURNUM: As soon as you see a title like THAT, you just know it’s going to hurt.

FOXGLOVE: Yeesh. Never hear of subtlety?

CLUNY: (muttering, confused) I don’t know when he’d have had the chance …

BASIL: Well, look on the bright side. At least we can’t say we weren’t warned.

SILVAMORD: This is going to be a long fic, isn’t it?

What could have happened in the book version of Redwall between Shadow and Matthias

CLUNY: I sincerely doubt that it “could” have happened.

BASIL: Now now, hear them out.

SILVAMORD: You want to let someone justify writing about the rape of your friend?

BASIL: Well, since I know for a fact that it didn’t happen, I don’t see any harm in at least trying to find some sort of logic to the idea, wot?

LABURNUM: Don’t. Trying to find logic only makes it hurt more.

In the tv series Redwall, Matthias is a 13 year old mouse and is in the corridor when he is called by Martin to save him. In the book no indication is given as to his age. He is in his bedroom and has a dream.

LABURNUM: Which is relevant how?

SILVAMORD: … Since it’s a yiff fic, I can think of an option, but you’d hit me if I said it.

LABURNUM: I know what you mean, but I don’t think that’s gonna be relevant in this particular fic.

Now he obviously would not be wearing his habit to bed, and in such a time undergarments were not made.

FOXGLOVE: They were. You just don’t necessarily need them if you have fur already.

Even though the tv series shows him wearing some (this is just for censor reasons),

LABURNUM: Why bother when half the rest of the characters strut around naked from the waist down and you can’t see anything?

CLUNY: Yeah, that was pretty annoying. I mean, there’s no way that fur would completely hide a rat’s-

(Other MSTers leap on him, pin him down and Basil shoves a cushion over his mouth.)

LABURNUM: Please don’t ever mention that topic again. I already have nightmares after seeing Yiff 101 in action.

(Cluny makes a muffled angry noise. Basil pushes the cushion down harder. Cluny waves a paw in surrender, and the other MSTers release him.)

CLUNY: (wiping his mouth and spitting cushion-stuffing) You know, you could have just told me.

so he would obviously be sleeping naked,

FOXGLOVE: Ignoring the multiple times various characters have been seen wearing nightshirts in the books?

CLUNY: I think the answer may be “smile and nod” here.

especially since he wouldn't need to worry about being seen by a roommate.

LABURNUM: (sighs) I hate false logic …

FOXGLOVE: Ding ding! We have plot contrivance!

CLUNY: Oh, you think a story entitled “Shadow Rapes Matthias” is going to have anything approaching a plot?

BASIL: Alright, so there is no bally logic whatever. Just wanted to be sure.

LABURNUM: Correct. Just remember, smile and nod.

This story is adult in nature, and involves male/male nonconsensual sex,

LABURNUM: No shit.

FOXGLOVE: Well, duh! We did see the title, you know!

with the possibility of it being between what most would consider underage and an adult.

FOXGLOVE: Did that make sense?

LABURNUM: I think they’re trying to cover their tail – if only “most” people would consider him underage rather than “all” people the author thinks it doesn’t count as paedophilia.

CLUNY: It doesn’t anyway. Like we tell the students, once you reach puberty you’re fair game for breeding in Mossflower.

LABURNUM: Yeah, but this isn’t being distributed in Mossflower, is it?

I make no claims to the characters. If you should not be reading this story, for whatever reasons, well, don't read it then.

BASIL: Great! I shouldn’t be reading it because I have better things to do than make myself ill! (stands up to leave)

CLUNY: (grabs Basil) Sit. Riff. If I have to go through this, so do you.


FOXGLOVE: … raves the GodAwful FanFiction board!

LABURNUM: (sings) When you wish upon a star …

Cluny gave Shadow a job to do. Climb the Abbey walls, get inside the Great Hall and capture for him a piece of tapestry displaying Martin the Warrior.

CLUNY: Shouldn’t the fans already know this?

SILVAMORD: I think they just want to take up space till they can start the yiffing.

BASIL: That or they really like stating the obvious.

Cluny, Shadow & Ragear padded

BASIL: … their skulls, in preparation for beating them against the wall after viewing the horrors to come.

carefully toward Redwall. Cluny left them by the walls, then came back to report that all the wall guards were asleep. It was time. Shadow removed all his clothes,

(Laburnum and Foxglove whoop and wolf-whistle, and Foxglove starts to hum “You Sexy Thing”. Cluny cuffs them both round the head.)

as they would just impede his silent work or could get caught on something and leave evidence he had been there.

LABURNUM: Does it matter? Considering what he’s stealing, I think it’s going to be bloody obvious he’s been there!

All he had was a small skin pouch

FOXGLOVE: Suddenly Shadow’s turned into a female possum?

containing his usual burglaring

LABURNUM: (visibly flinching) Sheesh! In England it’s “burgling” and in America it’s “burglarizing” – either is fine. But pick one!

kit strapped to his waist with a thin leather strap.

FOXGLOVE: Hello, Department of Repetition Department …

He climbed the walls and vanished over the ramparts and into the Abbey proper.

FOXGLOVE: What’s a proper?

While he worked on the piece of tapestry Cluny wanted, Matthias was trying to sleep.

BASIL: How can he be working on the tapestry if he’s trying to sleep?

After much tossing and turning he finally began slumber, only to have a dream that he was in the Great Hall and a voice calling to him asking for his help.

FOXGLOVE: (Shadow) Help! Matthias! I’m stuck in this crummy fanfic and I’m about to be forced to do disgusting things to you against my will!

Matthias awoke with a start realizing that something must be wrong down in the Great Hall. He jumped out of bed and dashed out of his bedroom, not bothering to put on any clothes, time was of the essence.

SILVAMORD: Hello, cheap contrivance!

LABURNUM: I don’t know why the author’s so determined to make the characters involved strut around naked. Can’t Shadow just undo their clothes just before he starts, like normal rapists do? Well, okay, probably there’s no such thing as a “normal rapist” but you know what I mean.

CLUNY: I think they just want an excuse to show Matthias streaking, but I don’t see the appeal …

He raced along the corridors until he reached the Great Hall. There he saw the piece of tapestry with Martin on it moving around as if it were being tugged. As Martin came


BASIL: Foxglove, it’s not starting yet.

LABURNUM: (gently pulling one of Foxglove’s ears) Don’t even start on the Crow Syndrome, okay?

FOXGLOVE: Sorry. (grins) Reflex action, you know how it is.

away from the wall, Matthias saw that a rat had the tapestry piece. Shadow did a clever double maneuver,

CLUNY: Oh, so now they’re stealing phrases outright from the book! What a wonderful sign of creativity! Almost as inventive as the title!

BASIL: Careful, old chap, all that sarcasm at once can’t be good for a creature.

bowling Matthias over like a skittle

FOXGLOVE: Taste the rainbow!

BASIL: Great, I already felt awkward eating Skittles after Fleetscut introduced me to that hedgehog family, I didn’t need to start associating them with bad fanfiction …

and darting around the door. Matthias began shouting to stop that rat. This alerted the guards and anyone else within hearing range. Matthias chased Shadow out onto the Abbey grounds toward the ramparts.

CLUNY: Where he was stopped by the guards and killed. Right?

He got close enough to Shadow to grab onto the rat's tail. But Shadow kicked out with his legs,

SILVAMORD: As opposed to kicking out with his hands?

shoving the young male mouse back so hard that he hit the wall,

FOXGLOVE: Like Brian Jacques would do if he saw this?

BASIL: I think that would be “hit the roof”, old thing.

then landed forward with his body on the ground and his rear in the air. Shadow saw this as an opportunity to not only complete the task given to him, but also make good his escape and do more.

SILVAMORD: See, the logical thing to do here would be either to keep going and escape, or to quickly stab the mousebrat in the back and then escape.

CLUNY: You’ve seen the title, and the disclaimer, and the first couple of paragraphs, and you still expect logic?

He quickly reached the stunned but still conscious form of Matthias and covered his victim's body with his own, placing a clawed hand around the boy's throat, telling others to stand where they were or that the young warrior would die. Everyone stopped, staring in horror, unable to remove their eyes.

FOXGLOVE: Ew! Why would they want to remove their eyes?

SILVAMORD: I don’t know, maybe they were planning on slinging them at Shadow?

BASIL: Urrgh, squishy.

Constance the badger was there.

CLUNY: If the badger is there, why isn’t she grabbing Shadow and ripping him in half right now? If he’s stupid enough to try this, he deserves what he gets!

So was Cornflower and Abbot Mortimer.

BASIL: But they said the shouting alerted “the guards and anyone else within hearing range”. Where’s everyone else?

FOXGLOVE: Remember, bucko, “smile and nod”.

Three things happened at the same time.

CLUNY: Each of the creatures watching ripped one of Shadow’s limbs off. Right?

BASIL: I don’t think Cornflower and Mortimer are the type to try ripping limbs off, old chap …

CLUNY: Fine. The badger ripped his limbs off, mousebrat escaped, and everyone else cheered. That makes three things.

BASIL: That’s better.

Shadow used his tail to pull Matthias' out of the way. He then swiftly plunged his sizable cock balls deep into the young warrior's virgin passage.

(All MSTers simultaneously wince.)

LABURNUM: I’m not even sure if I’m wincing with sympathy pain or at that euphemism.

BASIL: Now that has got to be painful.

SILVAMORD: It doesn’t hurt all that much if you do it right, but then he isn’t … (realises other MSTers are staring) What?

Matthias screamed aloud as he was impaled upon the fleshy sword.

LABURNUM: Somehow that metaphor isn’t as amusing when I see someone using it in a serious fic …

BASIL: And then one of the defenders impales Shadow on a metal one. Right?

All the others could see was the rat's hips thrust violently forward,

FOXGLOVE: (sings) And it’s the pelvic thruuuuu-uuuuust! That really drives you insa- (Cluny cuffs her over the head again.)

CLUNY: Please, I get enough of that song from Slagar.

LABURNUM: Slagar knows the Time Warp?

SILVAMORD: Yeah, every so often he’ll start whistling it and keep at it until we have to hit him to make him stop. He’s been like that ever since the cartoon show came out, can’t think why …

but they knew what was being done. Without stopping, Shadow quickly lifted his victim's body up till Shadow was kneeling on the ground and Matthias was sitting in his lap, his own knees on the ground supporting his weight.

SILVAMORD: But if he’s sitting in Shadow’s lap … wait, how are they supposed to be positioned again? (squints at screen as though this will help)

FOXGLOVE: It may help if you don’t try to picture it.

Shadow still had his clawed hand around Matthias' throat, ensuring that no one do anything to stop him.

BASIL: I’m pretty sure Constance could work around that.

CLUNY: If she breaks that limb, she can stop him easily.

Shadow quickly snapped the leather strip holding his pouch and using it like a sling swung it around in the air faster and faster,

FOXGLOVE: Oh geez, I was only joking with the stripping music thing …

BASIL: Ohh, I could really have done without that mental image on top of the ones I already have …

till finally he let it go. It went sailing over the abbey walls to land on the ground in front of Cluny's feet. Cluny opened it up and discovered the tapestry was inside. He was elated, but curious as to why Shadow was not with it. He heard the scream and knew that it was one of the defenders who did it, and knew that Shadow was the cause of that scream.

BASIL: Well well, it looks like there is some logic after all!

He gave the tapestry to Ragear, with instructions he was to go straight back to camp and place it in his tent.

FOXGLOVE: I doubt Cluny would give something so important to Ragear – would you?

CLUNY: Fat chance. The only time I’d give that oaf anything to carry would be if I wanted to make sure I’d never find it again. (sighs) Great, now I’m watching myself become out of character. Disconcerting …

BASIL: Ah, so that’s what you do with all that fanmail.

Cluny stayed by the walls to discover what would happen next.

CLUNY: Still out of character. If it was the real me, I’d be running. I don’t wait for idiots.

He was sure that Shadow was up to something devious.

CLUNY: Oh yeah. Indecently assaulting the Abbey Warrior on a whim, in front of several of his friends, including a strong fighter who is capable of dismembering you bare-pawed, and the warrior’s girlfriend who has been known to perform nasty tricks such as throwing burning lamp-oil … devious. Yes. As opposed to “dumb as a brick”.

SILVAMORD: Bitter, huh?

CLUNY: Slightly.

Constance, Cornflower, and Abbot Mortimer all got a clear view of Shadow's large rat balls

FOXGLOVE: Since Kritter Krawlers were designed for hamsters, Shadow made his own exercise equipment.

CLUNY: Well, that sentence at least was accu-

(Other MSTers glare at him and Basil waves the cushion ominously. Cluny scowls.)

beneath Matthias' body, they were entranced by the site




and what it meant. As if to give them proof of where his cock was he pulled an inch or so out, letting them see it in the light of the lanterns and torches,

LABURNUM: It assumed it was dawn, and started crowing. (Foxglove blinks.) They’re animals, Fox. They’re not gonna use animal names as euphemisms. Therefore, they must be referring to an actual bird.

FOXGLOVE: (gets joke and grins) Oh yeah.

before forcibly shoving it back up inside the young warrior's body,

FOXGLOVE: Poor chicken. That must be unpleasant.

BASIL: And poor Matthias, the beak must be digging in …

causing Matthias to scream out again.

FOXGLOVE: (with very bad Southern accent) Kin yew squeal lahk a-

LABURNUM: Fox, what did we say about making Deliverance jokes where Stormsong can hear us?

(Whimpering can be heard from projection booth.)

FOXGLOVE: Hey, I’m just keeping the farm-animal theme here, they already have a chicken, and I’m betting a donkey’s gonna turn up soon, if you know what I mean. So why not a p-

LABURNUM: Seriously, Fox. No.

After that Shadow began a rough rhythm, pulling out as much as he could as quickly as he was able. Only to violently shove it right back in where he had it just as quickly, causing the young male mouse much pain each time.

(Laburnum and Foxglove look at each other and nod.)

LABURNUM & FOXGLOVE: (sing) Oh, the-

OTHER MSTERS: No Hedgehog Song!

(Laburnum and Foxglove sit back, looking disappointed.)

Matthias could feel the rat's long and thick member buried deep inside his body. It felt as if it went all the way up to his stomach.

CLUNY: Matthias was right. It punctured his intestines and killed him.

LABURNUM: Then Shadow started screaming as he reached the digestive acid.

BASIL: Well now, that’s a little dark, chaps …

SILVAMORD: Oh, let them have it. It’d be a mercy killing anyway.

It stretched his insides wider and deeper than he thought possible. And all it did was hurt. The only one getting enjoyment out of it was the rat called Shadow.

CLUNY: Isn’t that generally the point of the exercise?

LABURNUM: Guys. No rape jokes, okay?

CLUNY: Who’s joking? I’m just asking why the author feels the need to state the obv- (Laburnum glares at him) Oh, never mind.

SILVAMORD: It’s pretty hard to get away with no rape jokes in a story like this. Eventually you run out of any other aspect of the story to joke about.

LABURNUM: I know, but I’d like to keep the riffs tasteful at least.

CLUNY: This coming from the woman who had no problems with letting creatures be buggered to death by trees?

(Quiet sobbing from projection booth.)

FOXGLOVE: Er, we did agree never to mention that in front of Stormsong and Skyfire again. (calls back to projection booth) Sorry, guys, keep it rolling.

After a while Matthias felt the rat's cock quiver and pulse,

FOXGLOVE: The chicken’s having a heart attack?

and without warning felt his guts filled with hot rat cum.

FOXGLOVE: Now can I say “eww”?

LABURNUM: Go ahead, I’ll join you …


SILVAMORD: If he’s produced enough to fill the entire digestive tract, there’s something seriously wrong with either him or the mouse …

A few seconds of waiting for his orgasm to subside and Shadow began his assault on his victim's ass again.

FOXGLOVE: See? See? I told you there’d be a donkey!

SILVAMORD: It’ll take more than one rat to bring down a donkey. Trust me, I know.

Four times Shadow fucked Matthias to orgasm, and four loads of rat cum filled the mouse's rectum, though it only took two loads to fill him to the point where it began leaking out around the shaft inside as if it were a waterfall.

FOXGLOVE: Gee, I’m having trouble picturing this! Could you possibly get a LITTLE more graphic?!

BASIL: “Shaft” … guess the mine’s been flooded, eh?

SILVAMORD: Alright, I assumed the first one was an exaggeration, but if he does that four times he’s going to deflate, nobeast can hold that much fluid …

CLUNY: Excellent, Shadow dehydrates and dies. The end.

BASIL: Well, it’s about as logical as anything that’s happened so far.

Abbot Mortimer could see the cum puddling under his adopted son's naked form. Constance watched the rat's face, unable to look at the event itself,

BASIL: But not doing anything to stop it?

and Cornflower watched it all. Her vision went from where their naked bodies met, on up past Matthias' own crotch (she had been curious as to how big his cock must be and she couldn't help but take the opportunity to find out)

FOXGLOVE: Oh, why not! Let’s make this thing even more perverse than it already was!

SILVAMORD: Honestly, there’s a time and a place for that! Sheesh!

CLUNY: Even I think that’s disgusting! And I can’t believe anyone smart enough to destroy an entire siege tower single-pawed is going to react like that to seeing this! What, does this writer think all rodents keep their brains in their reproductive organs?

LABURNUM: Yeah, that’s pretty gross, but … if it’s sheathed internally and he has fur, how can she tell anyway?

BASIL: Priorities, young lady, priorities!

LABURNUM: Are you talking to me or Cornflower?

BASIL: I don’t even know any more!

to look at the faces of her champion and his defiler. She clearly saw the pain Matthias felt as he was raped, and the pure evil pleasure on the face of Shadow.

FOXGLOVE: And he’s been doing this for maybe an hour and it hasn’t yet occurred to ANY of them that maybe, just maybe, they should DO SOMETHING?

BASIL: Like, shoot him, stab him, let Constance rip him off Matthias and smash his head on the wall?

LABURNUM: Heck, shoot Matthias and put him out of his misery? ANYTHING?!

CLUNY: (enraged) So not only do they think I employ total idiots, they think I was DEFEATED by total idiots?!

SILVAMORD: (as soothingly as she can manage) Well, you know the obvious explanation for that one – the author is a total idiot.

(Other MSTers relax. Cluny still looks irritated, but at least he stops yelling.)

FOXGLOVE: Yeah, that makes sense.

The rat then laid Matthias on the ground on his back, letting go of the mouse's neck, lifting the warrior mouse's legs and spreading them.

LABURNUM: Guess Matthias is really in a jam now.

(Every other MSTer winces.)

SILVAMORD: Oh, that was just bad.

LABURNUM: I know, but someone had to say it.

Giving everyone an even better view of Matthias' entire naked form. He knelt so everyone could get the best view of what he knew would happen soon.

Cornflower was the first to see it. Matthias' own cock was slowly peeking out of his sheath. It wasn't long before everyone saw it as it swiftly sprang to full erection.

(Basil splutters incoherently, but is obviously offended.)

FOXGLOVE: (pats Basil’s back) Sorry, it’s par for the course in this kind of thing.

BASIL: I know, I know … poor Matthias, he’ll never live this down.

CLUNY: Normally I’d take full advantage of a badfic like this to taunt him later, but I just can’t bring myself to bother with this one …

It stood out like a red flag

LABURNUM: Not lavender, then? Minor mercy …

against Matthias' fur as he lay there with his back against the dirt.

The young mouse was embarrassed and ashamed that he was starting to feel pleasure from his violation and that his cock had grown rock hard in full view of those who looked up to him.

SILVAMORD: Since he’s still being pinned down and buggered by Shadow, I’d say that’s the least of his worries!

FOXGLOVE: If he’s lying on the ground, aren’t they looking down to him?

Even Shadow looked down and noticed the mouse's erection.

BASIL: Wait, “even” Shadow saw it? But didn’t they just say he knew it was going to …

SILVAMORD: Smile and nod, Basil, smile and nod.

"You are beginning to enjoy this, yes?" the rat whispered. Shadow then reached down to the young mouse's cock and gripped it in his large paw,

CLUNY: Strangling it. Chicken for dinner.

began to stroke

LABURNUM: If this gets any more unpleasant, I think I’m going to have one.

up and down, causing Matthias to feel greater pleasure. A few seconds of this and the rat stopped and removed his paw.

LABURNUM: That’s the second time somebeast’s tried to remove their own body parts.

FOXGLOVE: What is this, Frankenstein’s laboratory?

He then bent his larger form forward until his face was above the mouse's waist.

FOXGLOVE: That sounds uncomfortable.

CLUNY: No, rats have pretty flexible spines. It’s easy, look … (starts to bend his head down)

FOXGLOVE: (closing her eyes and flinching away) No, please, don’t demonstrate!

He stuck out his tongue and licked the shaft,

LABURNUM: It’s a treacle mine!

causing Matthias to let out a moan everyone could hear before he could stop it. Then Shadow quickly engulfed Matthias' entire shaft in his mouth

LABURNUM: And bit it off.

(Male MSTers wince.)

and sucked away.

FOXGLOVE: Mmm, mouse-pop.

SILVAMORD: Available in lemon, lime and cherry flavours – but the cherry flavour doesn’t last long!

BASIL: Oh, that was just too easy.

SILVAMORD: So’s Matthias, apparently …

Matthias couldn't believe how good it felt. On top of the suction, Shadow was still thrusting his cock up inside Matthias' ass which caused the mouse's cock to thrust up into the rat's throat,

CLUNY: So it suffocated him and Matthias escaped. The end.

doubling the pleasure the young warrior was feeling.

BASIL: Double your pleasure, double your fun, with Doublemint!

FOXGLOVE: This thing’s damaged my brain so much I’m seeing double.

Despite himself he was enjoying it. Even the fucking. The rat's cock was clearly hitting something within his rectum which caused him short shocks of intense pleasure.

CLUNY: I’d like to give this writer a short shock of intense pain.

SILVAMORD: Well, I think Castle Floret has a lightning rod we can use …

It wasn't long after this that Matthias began to moan and groan constantly.

CLUNY: If he’s in a fic like this, he should have started that long ago.

BASIL: Maybe not for the reason the author actually means, but still …

Shadow could tell by the feel of the mouse's body that his young victim was getting close to orgasm. He removed his mouth from Matthias' cock,

SILVAMORD: Which flew away.

LABURNUM: Chickens don’t fly that well, actually.

SILVAMORD: Oh, shut up, Miss Picky, you started that joke.

leaned back some so the rest could get an even better view of his cock pounding away inside their champion's ass,

FOXGLOVE: They can see it inside him … wouldn’t that require X-ray vision?

BASIL: That has to be unpleasant for the donkey.

and consequently get a good view of what would soon take place.

FOXGLOVE: Is it in widescreen?

The rat began to fuck even harder than before, pulling out half his cock to show them, only to drive it back in to his balls.

LABURNUM: Waitasec, he’s driving it into his own … ohhh, that sounds painful.

(Male MSTers wince again.)

BASIL: Poor phrasing can be lethal. A lesson every writer should know.

CLUNY: What is it with you PPC girls and groin injuries?

Not long after that Matthias yelled out, "I'm....going to...CUUUMMMM!!!!", not caring who heard.

BASIL: Fine language for an Abbey novice. What are they teaching them these days?

Moments later, he did. Just as his balls gave up their mouse seed

SILVAMORD: Maybe it’ll sprout and there’ll be enough warrior mice to get rid of Cluny!

LABURNUM: Nah. The chicken’ll eat it.

CLUNY: (shudders) Thank you so much for those mental images, ladies. And trust me, when I say something is a bad mental image, I know what I’m talking about.

to splatter onto his naked form, his ass clenched down on Shadow's cock,

FOXGLOVE: Donkeys eat chicken?

causing the rat to also give up another load inside the mouse,

SILVAMORD: That makes five times without a break. Impressive … most males have to stop after three.

which could be clearly seen running down the rat's balls, allowing all present to see their simultaneous orgasm.

Matthias' orgasm was so intense his cum shot as far as the hair between his ears,


BASIL: That sounds painful …

then as it dwindled, left a large trail of cum all the way back down to his crotch.

FOXGLOVE: Like Zorro!

But his cock never softened, it remained as rock hard as the one buried in his body.

BASIL: Maybe they should get Foremole in to have a look at that …

Shadow then knew the young mouse was his. He gave whispered instructions to Matthias as he pulled his rat cock out..

FOXGLOVE: (Shadow) You don’t need to see my identification. These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

SILVAMORD: (Shadow) See those mice there? Good boy. Now kill!

The mouse obediently placed himself on his hands and knees, holding his tail out of the way and looking back over his shoulder and said "Put it back in, quick. I need to feel it in me".

LABURNUM: Aaaaaaaaaaaand Matthias is officially one hundred percent out-of-character right about … now.

BASIL: (grinning ominously) I think I would like to kill this writer.

FOXGLOVE: No, Basil, leave them alone. Matthias will want to avenge his own honour.

Shadow smiled wickedly, then continued assaulting the young warrior's anal passage,

LABURNUM: Now there’s a phrase I do not ever want to see in a lemon again.

but this time Matthias was enjoying it immensely.

FOXGLOVE: He was experiencing pure untamed erotica …

LABURNUM & FOXGLOVE: And enjoying every minute of it!

He would shove his own ass back just as the rat would shove forward, and kept up that rhythm for a while. Unbidden Matthias began speaking, but it was words none of the defenders would have expected to hear.

FOXGLOVE: Matthias speaks Klingon. Who knew?

At first he whispered them, but as time went on he would shout them.


CLUNY: (Matthias) … you and the horse you rode in on!

me! Fuck me!

SILVAMORD: (Shadow) I thought that’s what I was doing!

Harder, I want to feel it all. Fill me with your hot rat cum!"

(Pause, then all the MSTers burst out snickering. Silvamord is laughing too hard to say anything.)

LABURNUM: Why am I having difficulty imagining ANYONE saying that, never mind Matthias?

CLUNY: I’d pay good gold to watch the partner’s face on this writer’s wedding night …

BASIL: No such luck, old fella. That would require them to be in some form of intimate relationship with another living being.

FOXGLOVE: Can’t help but notice you seem to be getting along now …

CLUNY: Well, you know what they say … “my enemy’s enemy is my friend”. I guess bad fanfiction unites all creeds in hatred.

BASIL: Suffering together and all that.

Shadow was enjoying himself.

CLUNY: We gathered.

The warrior's friends couldn't believe their own eyes and ears.

BASIL: I know how they feel!

Cluny was also enjoying himself as he knew that voice. He knew what Shadow was doing now and it aroused him.

(Stunned silence.)

BASIL: Oh no, oh please Dark Forest no, please don’t, anything but that…

CLUNY: (faintly disturbed) Please tell me they meant “amused” there, it could happen with a careless spellchecking, please let that be what they meant …

His own rat cock grew

BASIL: … No such luck.

CLUNY: (groans and covers his face) I don’t want to see this, tell me when it’s over.

SILVAMORD: Hey, I’d have thought you’d be unshockable.

CLUNY: That was when I didn’t realise the story in question involved graphic scenes about me! This is so damn humiliating!

LABURNUM: How d’you think we feel?! You think we want to watch them?

CLUNY: (uncovering face slightly, offended) I’m not that ugly, you know.

FOXGLOVE: Sheesh, no pleasing you, is there?

BASIL: Ssshh! If we miss it, they’ll make us watch it again from the beginning!

and he began to pay attention to it. Slowly at first he stroked his own cock, much larger than Shadow's,

SILVAMORD: Why is it that each one is invariably twice the size of the last one in this sort of story?

LABURNUM: Well, at least it’s not “twelve inches” again.

FOXGLOVE: It’s a turkey!

BASIL: Dashed bad joke there, Miss Foxglove … wait, what do you mean, “again”?!

CLUNY: (face still covered) Don’t ask.

then began pounding his pud

SILVAMORD: Bad euphemism. No biscuit.

LABURNUM: Sheesh, what is this, Christmas?

BASIL: Normally I’d be feeling hungry after that, but with this context …

until finally he shot a large load of his seed all over the abbey walls and wooden gate.

LABURNUM: (gradually developing a smirk) The high warm sun shone down on Cluny the Scourge …


CLUNY: If either of you finish that sentence, I’m going to hang you both from each other’s intestinal tracts!

(Laburnum and Foxglove sit back, grinning broadly, and high-five. Basil and Silvamord burst into poorly-concealed silent laughter.)

After his orgasm Cluny licked himself clean and waited.

BASIL: Can’t help but notice he didn’t clean it off the gate. Messy creature.

CLUNY: Is it over?

SILVAMORD: Think so.

CLUNY: (sighs with relief and uncovers his face) Matthias now has competition for vengeance upon this writer …

Shadow and Matthias continued until finally the mouse passed out from all the pleasure.

BASIL: Is that possible?

SILVAMORD: If it is, can I have Shadow’s phone number?

LABURNUM: Dunno if Cluny wants to share.

CLUNY: Well, I … Hey, now you’re just taking advantage of the staff treaty!

LABURNUM: (grinning and nodding) Yep.

Shadow filled his unconscious form

LABURNUM: And posted it to the comatose tax office?

FOXGLOVE: (Shadow) Damn, my sleeping pencil broke!

with one last load of his cum,


BASIL: Maybe more that that … I’m guessing this was written by a female.

SILVAMORD: Virgin female?

CLUNY: You only just figured that out?

carefully pulled out, and made a dash for the ramparts. No one stopped him, no one even tried to sound an alarm.


They were all staring at Matthias' naked body, still covered in his own cum, the rat's cum leaking out of his ass, and his mouse cock still very much erect.

LABURNUM: Why does the author need to specify every time? Does each character have more than one or something?

CLUNY: Maybe they collect them in jars.

BASIL: From whom?

CLUNY: (waves airily) Oh, you just need to wander around a battlefield for a … (realises everyone is staring) I’m joking, alright?

BASIL: Er, hehe, yes, I knew that … (shuffles away from Cluny)

Shadow used his climbing rope to descend to the ground and began making a run for it when a clawed hand grabbed his shoulder. He stood still until he heard Cluny whisper, "Well done, Shadow. You shall be rewarded".

BASIL: Uh-oh.

CLUNY: Oh, please, please tell me I’m going to tear his throat out for taking such a stupid risk …

He made it appear as if he was being chummy with the rat

FOXGLOVE: Chum … Shark food! He’s going to rip him to shreds and eat him!

SILVAMORD: Keep telling yourself that, girly.

CLUNY: (desperately hopeful) Yes! Yes! I kill him! That ending I can live with!

and led him a good distance from the abbey

LABURNUM: (Shadow) Where are we going? And what’s with the handbasket?

BASIL: (Cluny) Oh, we’re just going to visit the author …

then stopped.

"Here is your reward, Shadow," Cluny said pointing down.

CLUNY: Oh Vulpuz no … (covers face again)

The night colored rat looked down and saw Cluny's immense cock.

FOXGLOVE: Which pecked his nose off.

Shadow was a virgin, having only done it with males to show dominance as he had with Matthias.

CLUNY: (uncovering face briefly) Someone buy this fool a dictionary …

Cluny then shoved Shadow forward who landed on all fours.

LABURNUM: Wait, who landed on all fours?

SILVAMORD: If you start doing Abbott and Costello, I’m going to start slapping you.

FOXGLOVE: (panicky) Who cares? It’s all starting again! Only worse! This time it has Cluny!

CLUNY: (face still covered) I’m too busy feeling ill to respond to that, but once I recover you’re dead.

BASIL: Oh no … brace yourselves, everybeast …

(MSTers tense.)

Not wasting time Cluny mounted and raped Shadow many times before his lust was slaked.

(MSTers blink. Cluny uncovers his face, looks at screen, and also blinks.)

CLUNY: … That was IT?!

FOXGLOVE: Apparently.

LABURNUM: (monotone) and then he striped him and then he raped him and then shadow said go away you bastard.

SILVAMORD: I can’t help but feel slightly cheated somehow …

BASIL: Even so, am I the only one still glad that we didn’t get the graphic detail with this one?


(Cluny groans and sinks down in his seat.)

They then continued toward camp, Shadow walking funny the rest of the way.

LABURNUM: Finally, some biological accuracy!

BASIL: Either that line was genuinely amusing, or this thing’s finally driven me insane.

As for Matthias, he laid there on the ground where he was left.

LABURNUM: I know it should be "lay there", but after all that, a misused verb doesn’t seem like a big deal even to me.

SILVAMORD: Oh, Shadow’s done all the “laying” in this thing already … (Cluny flicks her with his tail) Ow!

Finally Constance got up the courage and went down to their warrior, picked him up easily, and slung him over her shoulder.

CLUNY: So now they finally get around to actually doing something other than standing around gawping, after Shadow’s already escaped? Talk about shutting the door after the horse has bolted!

She ignored the cum staining her garments and the erection pressed against her shoulder, she wasn't into mice anyway.

SILVAMORD: Nice to see somebeast here isn’t.

She carried Matthias to his room and laid him on his bed to wake up whenever he would. She drew out a large tub and drew him a bath,

FOXGLOVE: With Crayolas.

knowing he would need it.

BASIL: After that run of mental pictures, I think I need one too.

That's it for now.

SILVAMORD: It’s over? (hopeful) It’s finally over?

CLUNY: (sighs with relief) Finally!

I'm sure Matthias will end up in more fun later on.


(5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … Tape ends. Lights go up. MSTers collapse, groaning. Window of projection booth opens and Agent Skyfire leans out.)

SKYFIRE: I did tell you it was bad.

LABURNUM: (whimpers) You were right. It’s bad. I still don’t think it’s as nasty as you-know-what, but it’s close. And at least that writer managed to make the prose vaguely interesting sometimes!

FOXGLOVE: And at least she tried to keep some form of internal logic most of the time!

BASIL: Can you do us a favour and make sure this doesn’t get back to Cornflower and Constance? I don't want Constance going on the rampage again.

SKYFIRE: My lips are sealed, don’t worry. Anyone else want to offer an opinion?

SILVAMORD: Fine, I admit defeat. Remind me never to ask how bad a fic could be again. The imaginations of the fancreatures always outdo yours.

CLUNY: (sighs) If I got started on everything I want to say I’d be here for hours and I’m tired, so I won’t. Can I leave now?

SKYFIRE: Alright, the canonicals can leave. Laburnum, Foxglove, you can go back to the main building for long enough to find some more co-riffers, but you did promise to sit through all three of this writer’s fics, and we told Miss Minty so, so don’t try to run off.

(Canonicals cheer. Laburnum and Foxglove blanch.)

SKYFIRE: Sorry, but you did promise.

FOXGLOVE: (sighs) I know, I know.

SKYFIRE: Okay, I’ll open the portal for you and you can take a break while I rig up the next reel and try to shake Stormsong out of his Bleeprin trance. (looks back into projection booth, tutting) Poor creature.

(Skyfire goes back into the booth. Sounds of rummaging and then tapping on keys. Portal opens. Basil, Silvamord and Cluny leap through as if they can’t leave fast enough. Laburnum and Foxglove look at each other and sigh.)

FOXGLOVE: I could use a drink. Shall we drop in at the kitchens before we go find some more victims – I mean, co-riffers?

LABURNUM: (sighs) Sure.

(Foxglove enters the portal. Laburnum follows behind, pausing briefly as a thought occurs to her.)

LABURNUM: Does Ambrose Spike do Bleepka?

(She steps through and the portal closes behind her.)



[Author's Note; You know that badfic series I PPCed and wrote the poem about? I take back about 90% of everything bad I said about it. This fic is not as gruesome as some of the other thing's installments, but the writing is definitely worse, and the characters may be even more OOC. But it's also very very very funny. The author did two more fics before apparently recovering from his/her (odds are on "her", but I'm covering my bases) temporary insanity and deleting them in shame, but I was "lucky" enough to save copies, and will be MSTing them as well.]


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