Mossflower Science Theatre #3: "Martin And Boar"



Disclaimer; Agents Laburnum and Foxglove are mine. Stormsong and Skyfire are makhsihed's. All other characters involved belong to Brian Jacques. The idea of Mystery Science Theatre belongs to Best Brains. "Martin And Boar" belonged to the same person who did "Shadow Rapes Matthias" and "Martin's First Time", which you should probably read both the MSTings of before reading this one - they're back on my Writing page.


(Scene: the Death Pit Theatre. The front row contains a badger with a bright yellow headstripe, a female ferret in piratical garb, and a plump mouse in a green tunic, who is whistling to himself. Laburnum and Foxglove are standing in the aisle, talking to Stormsong, who is leaning out of the projection booth.)

LABURNUM: No way, I don’t believe it. No way could this lot be written by a bloke.

STORMSONG: The extrinsic evidence doth suggest ‘tis, sadly. (shrugs)

FOXGLOVE: But … come on, nobody who actually has a dick could possibly write them being used so inaccurately. Nobody who’s ever seen a dick could write this so badly, come to think of it!

STORMSONG: May I remind thee of all the female writers who speak of cervical penetration, (starts to check off on his claws) or of penetration of the clitoris, or on at least one memorable occasion by the clitoris, both of those points in tales not dealing with hyenas, or the various implausibilities related to gravidity, or … well, I shall not make us all ill by listing further abominations. Thou art fully aware of what I mean.

LABURNUM: (winces) Good point.

ROMSCA: (calling from front bench) Wot was that about gravy? Yer bringin’ in food?

STORMSONG: (rolls eyes) Never mind.

FOXGLOVE: (turns to camera as the assassins walk back to the front bench) Oh, hi there! I’m Agent Foxglove, and this is Agent Laburnum, and we’d like to welcome you all back to Mossflower Science Theatre!

LABURNUM: And we’d also like you to meet our latest riffers. By popular demand from the reformed-vermin fans, heeeere’s Romsca!

(Romsca stands up, shakes her fists in the air and whoops.)

ROMSCA: Whoo! Yeah bay-bee, da ferret’s hee-yah! (blows kisses at camera)


ROMSCA: Aww, c’mon. I’m a ferret, I’m an attention junkie by definishun. (sits down, grinning) Okie-doke, I’m ‘ere ‘cos Barranca bet me a gallon o’ grog I couldn’t sit through one o’ these fings. Plus the scenery’s nice. (grins again)

SUNFLASH: What scen- (Romsca gestures at Stormsong and winks) Oh.

STORMSONG: (looking slightly uncomfortable) Uh, thou art aware that I-

ROMSCA: ‘Course I know. Nobeast said we couldn’t enjoy lookin’, sweet-tail.

STORMSONG: (sighs) Well, I suppose ‘tis better than the one who placed her claws in her ears and screamed ‘I refuse to understand that sentence’. (quickly disappears into projection booth and slams window)

LABURNUM: (mutters to self) Can’t blame the poor girls, he’s adorable. (speaking normally again) Okay, and this feller is Gonff the Mousethief! Mr Jacques’ personal favourite character, and the most well-known comedian in Mossflower, so he had to show up.

GONFF: Hi, kids! (waves) I’m here mostly because I can’t resist a challenge, and … (laughs nervously) partly because my wife ran across a log of the last MSTing which was doing the rounds in the staffroom.

SUNFLASH: Oh dear.

GONFF: Yes. Huh, so this is what embarrassment feels like. Interesting, but I wouldn’t like to do it too often. Anyway, I figured it would be a good idea to avoid her for a short time.

FOXGLOVE: She shouldn’t be mad, it’s not your fault.

GONFF: I know, but it’s still an awkward situation.

FOXGLOVE: True dat … ahem, sorry to get distracted, viewers. Last but not least, here’s Sunflash the Mace! Only badger lord who openly admits to writing poetry, and he can still kick your tail! And the most popular with the geek fans, because “all your mace are belon-”

SUNFLASH: (clasps paw over Foxglove’s mouth) I’ve had to hear variations on that joke from students and staff at least once a week since the University was started. If you start on it, I’m going to hurt you.

FOXGLOVE: Oh fine, spoil my fun. (pouts)

LABURNUM: Now this fic we’re doing is the last of the three … (waits for others’ cheering to die down) Yes, thank you. Which means it will in all likelihood be worse than the last two. So be prepared, we gotta hold it together for the sake of the viewers.

FOXGLOVE: Just as a warning, here is a slightly-paraphrased quote from one of the students on this guy’s writing ability: “He has apparently not yet perfected his technique, and I don't want him to, either. Because then he'd have to practice, thus inflicting upon the rest of the world unimaginable misery.” Sounds about right.

LABURNUM: ‘Kay, guys, enough with the intro, roll the fic!

(The assassins flop down onto the front bench. Countdown starts on screen. 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 …)


Martin and Boar

FOXGLOVE: They appear to have spelled ‘bore’ wrong. Ah, pre-emptive attacks are fun …

Fanfiction of the Redwall series, Martin the Warrior and Boar the Badger
In the book Mossflower, Martin agrees to go to Salamandastron to retrieve Bella's father, Boar. Some of the lines in the book are rather suggestive.

GONFF: Like what?

(All turn slowly to look at Laburnum.)

LABURNUM: Hey, why is everyone staring at me? What? What? Whaaat?!

(Stifled chuckling from projection booth.)

Such as the line which started this story. This story is adult in nature

SUNFLASH: It’s what? What? Nobeast told me about this! It’s going to … be … oh dear.

ROMSCA: Oh boy … who was it asked yer ter come over?

SUNFLASH: Agent Drake told me his friends needed some help riffing … by the way, does he have a nervous tic or something? I didn’t like to ask him, but while I talked to him he kept twitching and making these strange coughing noises.

(Other MSTers snigger. Louder laughter from projection booth.)

and I do not lay claim to any of the characters. This is just fanfiction and does not happen in the minds of the original author.

SUNFLASH: I sincerely hope it doesn’t! I’d be worried about Lord Brian’s sanity if it did!

GONFF: What sanity? Not that I don’t love the old fellow, but anyone who still uses a typewriter in this day and age …

ROMSCA: Plus ‘e was unbalanced enough ter create us.

If you shouldn't be reading this for whatever reasons, then don't. I'm not responsible for what you do.

SUNFLASH: Oh, good, so we can leave! (stands up)

ROMSCA: (pulling his shirt hem) Oh no yer don’t.

SUNFLASH: (sighs) Fine, I suppose I signed up for this. (sits down)

Martin, Gonff, Dinny and Log-A-Log make it to Salamandastron.

SUNFLASH: That was quick.

ROMSCA: Let’s ‘ope the rest o’ this thing is.

Boar the badger, Bella's father is there. After spending a couple days there Boar has three male hares who live with him there take Martin's friends on a long tour of the place.

FOXGLOVE: If ya know what I mean! Wink, wink …

GONFF: Ugh, I hope not.

"There is something I must show you, Martin," Boar says, "One warrior to another".

LABURNUM: … What, that’s their idea of suggestive? Evidently they didn’t read Chapter Forty-Six of Long Patrol too closely. (sniggers)

FOXGLOVE: Considering their first little offering, I’m really glad they didn’t! I don’t wanna see “Rinkul Does Nasty Things To Tammo and Midge” … (shudders)

LABURNUM: Could be worse, they could have got hold of Lord Brocktree. What the hell were Stiffener Medick’s parents smoking when they named him? And as for poor Felch in Taggerung, well, modesty forbids me from explaining that one …

SUNFLASH: Didn’t Mister Kit make you promise never to mention that again?

Martin follows the badger to another room.

ROMSCA: Where the floor opened up an’ dropped ‘em into an alligator pit. The end. Can we leave now?

SUNFLASH: No. If I’m staying for this, so are you.

Once inside Martin notices the bed and dresser and realize this is Boar's bedroom.

FOXGLOVE: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

GONFF: Duhhh, one plus one …

Once the door is closed he watches in disbelief

FOXGLOVE: Like we’re doing?

as the larger male

(MSTers snigger, except for Sunflash, who briefly looks confused, then winces.)

strips his clothes off and stands naked in front of Martin.

SUNFLASH: Oh boy. If there was one way I didn’t want to imagine my grandfather … and this is only going to get worse, isn’t it?



LABURNUM: … and replace the oil in your hair with Summerweight.

Boar commands.

Without questioning, but still unsure,

GONFF: Oh come on now, Martin may not have my ready wit, but he isn’t that stupid. I know if someone told me to strip I’d ask why. Well, unless it was my wife … (grins)

the mouse does as told until he too is naked.


"It is written that any warrior mouse who makes it here must face the test.

SUNFLASH: Is it multiple choice?

GONFF: (Boar) You must chop down the mightiest tree in the forest wiiiiiiith … a herring!

It is also written that the mouse who has been devirginized by an otter is the only one who can pass the test.

LABURNUM: Pregnancy test? … (realises what she just said) Oh gawd, I hope not.

(All look ill.)

SUNFLASH: Just so you know, if anyone ever writes mpreg in this fandom, I’m going to break my vow of refusing to engage in unnecessary violence.

FOXGLOVE: Good, we’ll hold them down for you.

GONFF: Actually I think that would come under the heading of “necessary” violence.

ROMSCA: Yeeerrss. Very necessary.

I know that your tailhole has not been touched till you willingly gave it to Skipper the otter.

SUNFLASH: How does he know?

LABURNUM: Excellent! They can’t do the porn because Skipper still has Martin’s-

FOXGLOVE: Burnsey! Quit stealing my schtick!

Now that you are here, you must face the test, and I know you will pass it.

ROMSCA: Well, wot’s the point in makin’ ‘im take it if yer know fer a fact ‘e’s gonna pass?

The test is simple.

LABURNUM: Why do I have a horrible feeling I know exactly where this is going?

GONFF: Is it; A) because you’re filthy-minded, B) because the story’s terribly clichéd and predictable, C) because you’ve seen the rest of this author’s work and know where it always goes, or D) all of the above?

Make me cum once orally and anally."

FOXGLOVE: Uh, Boar, that ain’t how it works. See, it comes out from your-


LABURNUM: As they said in the riffing of that horrible Sonic fic, “if he can’t figure out how to do it, we don’t have to watch it!”

Martin was shocked at this,

SUNFLASH: I know how he feels!

LABURNUM: Was he perhaps a little “tense”? Because you really ought to remember to use it consistently!

but complied. He got on his knees in front of the badger and began licking the other male's large balls while stroking the sheath.

GONFF: Nothing better than good old spit-n’-polish for cleaning your old bowling balls …

Boar's cock quickly began to grow out of his sheath,

LABURNUM: Boar’s thing rose up and he kicked Martin in the jaw?

FOXGLOVE: Oh please, even Terry Goodkind doesn’t deserve to be associated with these.

and as soon as some of it poked out Martin took it into his mouth and began sucking.

ROMSCA: Tastes like chi-

SUNFLASH: We’ve already heard that one about a thousand times, it’s not funny anymore.

As he sucked, more of Boar's cock came out of the sheath and went directly down Martin's throat.

GONFF: … and came out from- (Other MSTers hit him.) Ow! I was going to say the back of his neck! What’s wrong with you?!

So quickly that Martin barely had time to take in a breath. The badger's cock was at least a couple inches longer than Skipper's eight inch cock, and clearly much thicker.

ROMSCA: Uh … wasn’t that the one Clogg tole me about which was as thick as Martin’s fist?

(All wince.)

FOXGLOVE: Yikes! That’s not a dick, that’s a New York Police Department interrogation tool!

LABURNUM: (curls up and flops off the bench, ankles crossed, knees drawn up to her chest, and fists pressed into her groin) Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow …

FOXGLOVE: Are you okay? (leans over) D’you want a paw getting up there?

LABURNUM: Can’t get up. Girl-parts under threat. Must protect at all costs.


GONFF: No, he wasn’t.

back to his first time with his otter friend he was distracted and didn't realize till a bit later that he

ROMSCA: … ‘ad broken ‘is jaw.

was deepthroating the entire length of Boar's cock, and that Boar was beginning to thrust in and out of the warrior's throat.

GONFF: May I ask how anyone could avoid noticing that?

FOXGLOVE: Considering that they thought you were capable of sleeping through being sodomised …

GONFF: They thought WHAT?

LABURNUM: (sitting up and climbing back onto the bench) I’m guessing you didn’t read the last one all the way through …

(Gonff looks nauseous yet amused.)

Boar had not felt such a hot mouth in a long time.

ROMSCA: Unfortunately it was so ‘ot it vapourised ‘im. The end.

Granted all his hares, both male and female, enjoy sucking him off, but this was different, more arousing.

FOXGLOVE: (sings) How does it feel?

LABURNUM: I don’t know, but … (sings) there is no God up in the sky tonight, no sign of heaven anywhere in sight …

It didn't take long before he roared out, "Get ready, warrior!"

SUNFLASH: (produces cellphone, surreptitiously dials and whispers into it) Skarlath? It’s worse than I thought. Can you tell Tirry to dig out that extra-strong brandy for when I come out?

SKYFIRE: (yelling from projection booth) Hey, no phones in the theatre!

(Sunflash shoves the phone back into his pocket and sighs resignedly.)

With that he kept his cock balls deep inside Martin's throat and shot

ROMSCA: … ‘imself, thus escapin’ from the stupid fic. The end. Can we leave yet?


his first load of badger cum deep inside the young warrior, sending his seed directly into the belly of his partner.

FOXGLOVE: Martin’s a Gro-Bag. Put him in the sun, wait a few weeks and the badger shoots will start to sprout.

After a few minutes and his orgasm began subsiding he pulled out so that the mouse could get a good taste of his essence, but he kept a tight grip to ensure that Martin would swallow everything.

FOXGLOVE: (Martin) Oh, pardon me. Have you any “Grey Poupon”?

Once completed Boar released Martin who choked

ROMSCA: ‘E’s dead? Yay! It’s over!


ROMSCA: Only slightly? So ‘e’s not dead? Aw, bugger it.

GONFF: You really could have chosen your curses better!

but did not give up any of the cum now filling his belly. He felt like he ate a three course meal he was so full.

(All look faintly sick.)

LABURNUM: Gawd, it’s like Doug Winger in text format …

FOXGLOVE: And once again that song is appropriate … (sings) Once I could see, now I am blind!

LABURNUM: And as for the canon, (sings) all that was true is left behind …

BOTH: (shout) This SUCKS!

Boar's cock remained rock hard as he stood there. He let the warrior rest for a bit then made a gesture with his paw that clearly told Martin to stand up. The mouse did so and was easily picked up by Boar's left arm,

FOXGLOVE: … which had randomly become detached from his body. Again.

SUNFLASH: They really ought to get the healers to look at that.

Martin wrapped his legs around the badger's waist having nowhere else to put them.

LABURNUM: Why not just take them off and put ‘em in the corner like he did last time?

Boar wrapped his arm around Martin's waist holding him tight. With his right hand the badger carefully stuck in one of his large fingers,

GONFF: (Boar) Hang on a second, I’ll just take this one off my left hand and hold it like this

SUNFLASH: That does it. They clearly have leprosy.

noticing the mouse's rear was slightly loose.

LABURNUM: He’s loose alright, but “slightly” ain’t the word.

He figured that Martin had engaged in sex with his companions along the journey,

GONFF: What, all three of us?

(Short pause while MSTers all try desperately not to imagine this.)

which was good for him. It would make it somewhat easier.

ROMSCA: Nah, it jes’ means he’s easy.

He then stuck in a second finger, finding the going a bit tighter but still able to take them in. Then three and Martin began squirming a bit due to the pain of

ROMSCA: … the story.

being stretched.

GONFF: So is credulity.

ROMSCA: And canon.

SUNFLASH: And my patience.

The badger's fingers were long and thick, three of them were like having Skipper's cock inside his rear again,

LABURNUM: Skipper’s penis is trifurcated? Eww, I thought the lizard guy was disturbing …

which he had not had for a long while, so his rear became tighter again, but still loose enough for smaller cocks.

SUNFLASH: Maybe he should try with a duck instead.

The fingers were stretching him wider and deeper. Then without warning he managed to stifle a scream as a fourth was inserted.

GONFF: Then a fifth … then a sixth, and a seventh … Martin started to get really concerned about the twelfth one …

The pain caused his body to jerk away from the intruding digits

LABURNUM: Well, I could see a “one” being useful …

FOXGLOVE: Hey, now you’re stealing lines from other MSTs?

LABURNUM: There’s only so many funny riffs in the world, there’s no reason we can’t recycle the good ones!

though Boar held firmly. The older male began to gently thrust his fingers in and out, trying to loosen his partner's rear further.

LABURNUM: And may he get a fistful of faeces for his pains. That can’t be good for the muscle control there.

GONFF: Laburnum my dear, there’s a fine line between amusingly crude and downright disgusting. What you just said is about a month’s travel on the wrong side of that line.

LABURNUM: So is this story.

GONFF: True.

Once he was satisfied he began lowering Martin down.

GONFF: It’s over already?

ROMSCA: Doubt it. Brace yerself.

The mouse thought he was being put back down on the floor. He was about to lower his legs in preparation for standing

SUNFLASH: … when they broke off again.

when he felt Boar's sizable cock press against and penetrate his mousehole.

ROMSCA: Surprise! Buttsex!

GONFF: Never ever say that again.

LABURNUM: Hey, you’re a polecatmacro!

He tensed up, causing his ass to grip the badger's cock more, but it was not enough

GONFF: … because donkeys don’t have fingers and can’t grip very well.

as he continued feeling himself slide further and further down the shaft.

SUNFLASH: Until he smacked into the floor of the mine.

About half way it was too tight to slide any further. He could feel the rest of the cock deep in his guts.

(MSTers wince.)

SUNFLASH: Last time I saw anyone with anything “deep in their guts” was when that rat tripped and fell on his own cutlass when I was Bloodwrathing at him. Somehow I doubt he found it fun …

Boar carefully walked over to his bed, and Martin winced in pain

GONFF: Rather like we’re doing.

with every step as it bounced him up and down on the cock, causing his anal ring

ROMSCA: Precioussssssssss …

to stretch further minutely. The large badger carefully laid him

LABURNUM: (sings) … on his dressing board, and stabbed him like a sheep …

down on his back, hovering over the smaller warrior's naked form.

LABURNUM: (sings) Laaay your belly under miiine, naaaaked under me, under meee … Suuuch a filthy dimming shiiine, the way you kick and scream, kick and screee-heeeaaam …

SUNFLASH: I really don’t want to know where you pick these songs up.

LABURNUM, FOXGLOVE & STORMSONG: (ignoring him, singing, Stormsong joining in from the projection booth) And what do we do with ten dirty Sues, a thirty-ought full o’ rock-salt an’ a waaarm afternoon?

"Get ready warrior. Here comes the final part of the test.

GONFF: Damn, I hate these essay questions.

I will not be gentle; but will breed you as I would a female badger.

LABURNUM: “Breed”? … Oh fuck no, it IS mpreg!

(All look very ill.)

GONFF: But what will the kids look like?

ROMSCA: ‘Opefully not the size o’ badgers …

If you are truly a warrior, you will not cry out".

SUNFLASH: No, if he was truly a warrior he’d have duelled Boar to the death rather than suffer this ridiculous indignity in the first place.

With that said, Martin braced himself.

GONFF: And we could learn from his example.

(MSTers tense.)

He felt the badger pull his cock out, leaving just the very tip in to keep his hole open. After taking in a few deep breaths Martin felt the wind knocked out of him


(Gonff sniggers. Sunflash looks disgusted.)

as Boar slammed in without warning, up to where he had it before. Without pausing the large male began a rhythmic aggressive pounding.

ROMSCA: Martin’s skull was so thick it cracked the ‘ammer.

Martin wanted to cry out as his ass was assaulted

FOXGLOVE: That is a pune, or play on words.

in a way the otter never did even when running on instincts, but each thrust would leave him without breath.

SUNFLASH: So he suffocated, thus ensuring he didn’t have to go through any more of this.

All he could do was feel the huge invading member battering at his back gates

LABURNUM: Brings a whole new meaning to “banging on the door” …

and realize that this was Boar when he was in complete control. He dared wonder how it would be if the badger's instincts were in control.

LABURNUM: Just a guess here, but … lethal?

GONFF: And today I truly learn the origin of the phrase “weeping cock”. I know mine’s sobbing in terror.

ROMSCA: Didn’t know you ‘ad a pet chicken.

GONFF: No, in the sense the humans use the word … oh, never mind.

ROMSCA: (smirking) Nah, I gets it, I’m just messin’ with yer.

Boar's cock was doing it's work.

SUNFLASH: All work and no play makes this a really dull story?

ROMSCA: ‘Ey, that’s unfair, it ain’t dull! I don’t remember the last time I saw summat so funny!

He could feel Martin's hole stretching to accomadate his size.

ROMSCA: Then the elastic snapped back.

(Male MSTers wince.)

With each thrust he knew he was getting deeper and deeper. Until very soon after he started his balls

ROMSCA: … got punctured an’ they ‘ad ter stop the football game.

slapped against the mouse's asscheeks. He had taken it all without even so much as a whimper.

LABURNUM: (Boar) Say it!

FOXGLOVE: (Martin) I’m a whore!

LABURNUM: (Boar) Now say it in French!

FOXGLOVE: (Martin) Je suis un putois!

GONFF: Doesn’t that mean “I’m a polecat”?

FOXGLOVE: Oh yeah. Oops. “Je suis une putain.”

Boar had his body at an angle, stretched

LABURNUM: (sings) … across my shame, all the torment and the pain leaked through and covered me …

ROMSCA: That’s not torment and pain, that’s just ‘is- (Sunflash covers her mouth)


out over Martin's. His hands propping his arms up by the mouse's head.

ROMSCA: An’ ‘is torso flattenin’ Martin ‘cos ‘is arms ‘ad come off again an’ couldn’t support it.

Their bodies only touching where they were joined and Boar used only his hips to thrust.

GONFF: Well, yeah. I dread to think what else he’d be using.

Boar looked upon the carving above his headboard and saw the image that had been carved there a very long time ago.

SUNFLASH: Sadly it was carved so long ago that it had worn away and it was impossible to make out what it was.

ROMSCA: Doncher mean “hopefully it had worn away”?

It showed a male mouse, on his back in that very bed, being anally ravaged by a huge badger.

LABURNUM: (Boar) “Oh mah gawd, I’m on the picture square!”

FOXGLOVE: Wish this fic would crash and die.

LABURNUM: Well, Martin’s definitely going to end up splattered around with bloody guts and pain.

It clearly displayed them as they were at this moment,

SUNFLASH: Grandpa, that’s not a prophetic carving, I believe it’s called a “mirror”. Someone’s forgotten his Alzheimer’s medication again …

which meant it was destined that Martin would be completely impaled.

LABURNUM: See? “Impaled” … (sings) compound fracture, punctured lung, bashed-in brains …

FOXGLOVE: Shame both the characters involved in this are male, we don’t get to do “La La La La Labia”.

LABURNUM: You’ll forgive me if I don’t consider that to be particularly tragic.

He held himself there, taking a break

ROMSCA: A Kit-Kat?

SUNFLASH: Please don’t mention food, I feel ill enough already.

so he would not cum too soon. He smiled inwardly at all of this.

LABURNUM: And screamed outwardly.

He had fucked all his hares so often they were loose for him. He had been wanting new partners to satiate his lust, and now he was getting it.

SUNFLASH: Who is this psychopath, and where has he hidden my grandfather’s corpse?

As he remained still he could feel the mouse's anal ring twitch around his cock. It was still tight around his member but not as much as before.

ROMSCA: Ever consider that might be because ye’ve split the poor liddle sod in ‘arf?

Then he began again. Pounding as hard as he was before as if he had never stopped.

GONFF: Until nothing was left of this pathetic Martin-replacement but a reddish stain on the mattress.

Time and again the badger would cease his severe thrusts to prevent himself from orgasming before he wanted to.

FOXGLOVE: Since they can go about eight times in a row in these things, why would he care?

The engraving he looked at showed each event as it would happen, but never showed just how long each event would occur before the next.

SUNFLASH: So they actually are going to have a refractory period in this?

ROMSCA: Don’t getcher hopes up.

They showed his oral satisfaction with Martin right before he fingered the mouse warrior, which was right before he was completely ensheathed inside the mouse.

FOXGLOVE: Oh gaawwd, it was bad enough without the unbirthing images …

ROMSCA: I really wish I couldn’t guess wot that means!

ALL: Ewwwwww!

But the actual events took time to get from one to the other. When he had looked at these engravings at bedtime he would fantasize about what would happen and stroke

LABURNUM: So he’s suffering as much mental damage as we are, if he keeps having strokes when he thinks about it?

SUNFLASH: Good! Fight it, Grandpa, fight it!

himself to sleep. The day before the mouse and his companions showed up was when he realized that

ROMSCA: … it was too late an’ ‘e should have killed the writer while ‘e ‘ad the chance.

as long as these engraved events happened, he could take his time.

FOXGLOVE: And he’s been there for how many years? Slow on the uptake, ain’t he?

And these images only showed certain events, which meant he was not bound to perform just them, he could add his own fun.

SUNFLASH: I hate to bring this up now, but doesn’t it occur to them that the creatures who made Salamandastron’s carvings might have, well, had better things to make prophecies about? And that perhaps Grandpa might have had better things to worry about, like, for example, the fact that said prophecies told him he was going to die messily in a couple of days?

GONFF: I guess he wants to enjoy what little time he has left, but still …

Now that he was impaled fully, the next engraving showed Martin's own erection spouting his mouse cum.

ALL: (in perfect unison) It’s not leaking, it’s o-ver-flow-ing!

Boar was going to keep that from happening for a while longer.

GONFF: Please tell me it’s not going to be much longer.

Soon he felt his balls begin to ache, and knew his balls were as full of his cum as he could make them.

LABURNUM: And I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works either. Only the sperm cells are produced in there, the fluid comes from the prostate and-

SUNFLASH: Please, save the biology lectures for some time when I’m not about to demonstrate the process of regurgitation.

He had blueballed.

SUNFLASH: Excellent – that’s worth five points in snooker, y’know.

Now he began pumping in earnest, his only goal was to fill the warrior's rectum with his seed and he started fucking with even greater power.

FOXGLOVE: Hyperpower!

Several minutes later he jammed his cock in balls deep and with a loud roar shot

GONFF: … the author, thus ending the story sooner than expected.

his first load of badger cum deep inside Martin's body. The force of the thrusts and intensity of orgasm

ROMSCA: … punctured Martin’s guts an’ killed ‘im.

caused Martin to black out.

SUNFLASH: Lucky him.

Once his orgasm had subsided Boar pulled out of the

FOXGLOVE: … parking lot, and fled the city.

unconscious mouse. He then flipped Martin onto his stomach and laid him flat out, spread eagled a bit.

ROMSCA: An’ the eagle got up an’ ate both the chickens.

Without pause he remounted the warrior, laying on his new partner and continued his anal assault,

FOXGLOVE: That sounds like a really bad idea for a sci-fi porno movie … one that we should watch, just to laugh at.

going even faster and harder now that his first orgasm was completed.

SUNFLASH: Wait, they said Martin only had to go through this once! That’s cheating!

Using just his hips to drive his immense cock in and out.

ROMSCA: That’s a relief, I ‘arf-expected ‘im to be usin’ a mallet.

FOXGLOVE: In this thing, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was.

Martin regained consciousness after several minutes to realize they were in a new position

FOXGLOVE: (sings) Ready, let’s roll onto something new, taking its toll and I’m leaving without you … (gets up)

LABURNUM: (grabs Foxglove’s sleeve) Oh no you’re not! But you’re right … (sings) ‘cos Heaven ain’t close in a place like this …

and could feel the badger's muscular form covering his own. the badger's legs together and between his own which were spread. Boar sensed that Martin was awake.

ROMSCA: So ‘e smacked ‘im over the ‘ead an’ knocked ‘im out again.

SUNFLASH: That’s horrible!

GONFF: Can you honestly say you wouldn’t expect it of this Boar-replacement thing?

SUNFLASH: … Well, truthfully, yes, it’s exactly what I’d expect.

He buried his cock and stopped thrusting, but only long enough to grab Martin by the waist and lift his hips up into the air.

ROMSCA: And hang ‘em on a coat’ook.

This put Martin on his knees with his head and arms on the bed, his ass being the highest point.

FOXGLOVE: (singing) And then we’ll do it doggystyle so we can both watch X-Files, do it now! Ooh, you an’ me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals-

GONFF: They don’t do it this way on the Discovery Channel!

ROMSCA: But it’s def’nitely “the kind yer clean up with a mop an’ bucket” …

In this new position the badger would pull Martin back just as he would thrust forward, causing the warrior's body to be impaled deeper than before.

LABURNUM: Boar came to Salamandastron from Transylvania?

While it hurt the entire time he was being fucked, this hurt worse because

SUNFLASH: … they’d been going for more than ten pages and there was still no end in sight.

he was being pulled back onto it, but this position also caused Boar's large member to shove against Martin's prostate gland, causing the pain to be tinged with pleasure. His own body had been churning his seed

FOXGLOVE: … by waterfall. It’s the only way if you want it juuust right.

from the start but was unable to release. Now his body had too much and

ROMSCA: … died, thus savin’ ‘im from endurin’ any more o’ this thing.

mustering up enough breath he cried out in orgasm.

GONFF: Aha! He lost!

Boar looked at the engraving and smiled even more.

LABURNUM: So the whole “if you are a true warrior you will not cry out” was a sad excuse on Boar’s part, or is even the author not paying attention anymore?

SUNFLASH: Typing one-handed tends to do that.

This was the moment where it was to happen. The position

GONFF: D-seven.

SUNFLASH: You sank my battleship!

and everything. Even showed Boar himself looking forward at the engraving.

ROMSCA: Big Badger is watchin’ yeeeeeew …

He could feel Martin's ass clench his cock

FOXGLOVE: What a waste of good chicken. Aren’t donkeys vegetarian anyway?

and it caused him to send his second load of cum into the mouse's insides. As that happened, Martin passed out again.

ROMSCA: This author’s into sleepin’ critters? That’s a new one.

LABURNUM: “Nothing is sexier than the look on a man’s face as he drifts into an unplanned slumber.”

There was one more event to take place, one more position, and one more partner to add.

FOXGLOVE: Martin’s so traumatised he needs to go and have life-affirming healing sex with Rose.

ROMSCA: Ain’t she dead by this point?

FOXGLOVE: Yes, but this is so bad that a quick dose of necrophilia would at least make it original.

(Other MSTers look disturbed and shuffle slightly away from Foxglove.)

Boar called out to his most trusted male hare, who also happened to have the largest cock

GONFF: Well, that’s a convenient coincidence.

of the hares in Salamandestron.

SUNFLASH: Ah, so this isn’t taking place in Salamand-a-stron? Well, that’s a relief, it’s just one of those mirror universes again.

Martin was to take them both.

(MSTers blink.)

LABURNUM: Oh please tell me they mean one at a time … or one in each end …

Moments after Martin passed out the hare showed up, completely naked and erect as if he knew this moment would come and was ready for it.

ROMSCA: So … ‘e’s been walkin’ around the mountain like that?

SUNFLASH: Oh great seasons, I hope not. I think there were children in the place …

LABURNUM: Doubt it. When the hell did any of the characters in this get the chance to fuck an actual female and make any?

Boar pulled out of Martin, lifted the mouse's naked form in one arm and laid down on the bed again on his own back. His head by the engravings.

FOXGLOVE: And then they got started without paying attention, and his head slammed into the engravings, concussing him. The end.

The hare held onto the badger's erection

GONFF: With pliers.


helping it to stand straight up, and Boar lowered Martin down on it till it was buried again to the base. It went in easily this time,

LABURNUM: … because Martin had suffered irreversible intestinal tearing which would later cause his death by peritonitis. The end.

ROMSCA: Be glad yer didn’t use that riff when Badrang was around, I swear ‘e gets off ter the idea o’ Martin dyin’ painfully.

LABURNUM: I know. I stole his sketchbook once during my stalking- I mean student days, and I still have nightmares about it. Made Redtooth’s Spear Incident look like the Care Bears …

though there was still quite a grip when it would twitch. He then laid Martin

ROMSCA: Didn’t ‘e already do tha- (Sunflash reaches over and holds her jaws shut.)

face down upon his own naked body, their chest fur touching.

FOXGLOVE: (sings with dreadful cockney accent) “The ‘is-to-ry of the world, me love, is those below servin’ those up above …”

He could feel the mouse's cock stuck between their bodies, still as erect as the badger's. He then felt the hare get on the bed behind the warrior mouse. Then he saw the top of the Hare's body show up and knew he was kneeling behind them,

GONFF: Not necessarily, his torso could have just come detached again.

waiting for Boar to give him the signal.

ROMSCA: Wot, it’s finally occurred to ‘im ter send out an SOS?

Which Boar did.

SUNFLASH: (Boar) When I nod my head, you hit it!

GONFF: Which one?

(Other MSTers snigger. Sunflash briefly looks confused, then sighs and rolls his eyes.)

Just as Martin was waking up. He woke up quicker when he felt his ass was stuffed with badger cock and felt another pushing its way in.

(MSTers all wince and cross their legs.)

LABURNUM: Okay, I was wrong.

GONFF: Oooooooowwwwwwww. Please tell me that’s not possible.

ROMSCA: Not when at least one of ‘em is “much thicker’n yer fist”!

SUNFLASH: So by this point, Martin should have split in half?

FOXGLOVE: No, he should have burst into about a dozen pieces.

He snapped

LABURNUM: … and went beserk, and killed them both. The end.

SUNFLASH: I know how he feels. Think we can book an hour or so in the Bloodwrath-proof training area when we’re done?


his head back to look over his shoulder and saw a hare behind him and realized what was going on. But he couldn't protest.

GONFF: So they’ve gagged him as well? Sheesh, this has to be illegal.

Having Boar's cock inside his ass felt too good, and it was pulsing against his prostate gland. Although all that was forgotten for a while as

FOXGLOVE: … the roofies finally kicked in.

he felt the hare's cock dig

SUNFLASH: … a tunnel leading out of the mountain, away from this story!

deeper into his ass, stretching his sphincter wider than it had been before.

ROMSCA: By this point ‘e was jes’ a giant hole wid a thin border of squished mouse corpse.


It was very painful but unfortunately he could not pass out again. He was forced to endure it.

GONFF: (raising eyes to ceiling) Why are you doing this to me?


GONFF: Who’s Trent Reznor? It was a legitimate question aimed at the author!

Then the hare's cock bottomed out and he felt both of their bodies against his.

FOXGLOVE: (sings) How cool is this? We’ve only been here a day, and I already find myself in a thr-

SUNFLASH: Foxglove, you are not helping here!

Once ready they began thrusting in and out of his hole. Alternating. One would thrust in just as the other was pulling out so his ass felt constant motion.

GONFF: Marvellous, we’ve discovered the perpetual motion machine.

FOXGLOVE: Leave the laws of physics out of this, they don’t deserve it.

He started to feel aroused again because of this and didn't know what to do but hang on.

LABURNUM: And lo, even as I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Wang- I mean Death!

SUNFLASH: Ah, an Ursula Vernon fan, are we?

LABURNUM: (ignoring him) Yet I shall fear no evil … (takes knife from belt and strokes it) for this is with me …

The action got faster and harder the longer they went on.

ROMSCA: Yeah, the final level is pretty tricky.

Boar then felt Martin's cock shoot its seed onto both their chest fur


but did not stop fucking his ass with both cocks.

LABURNUM: Wait, wouldn’t that wording imply that they’re both his?



Hour after hour passed and neither slowed down.

LABURNUM: Sheesh, I didn’t know how right I was when I said it was like watching robots …

FOXGLOVE: Someone’s heard the term “sex machine” with the emphasis on the wrong word.

Till of course both badger and hare could feel their balls ache and knew they could not continue.

SUNFLASH: I know how they feel.

With several more thrusts, harder than any other before, they fucked Martin. Martin lifted his eyes

ROMSCA: … out’n ‘is ‘ead so ‘e didn’t ‘ave ter see the badfic.

toward the engraving just as he orgasmed yet again spraying his seed onto Boar's chest

GONFF: It gummed up the locks so they couldn’t get the chests open again.

and his own. And saw the final engraving, which showed him orgasming as he had just done, and both hare and badger doing the same within his rectum. Which they both did seconds after he came

SUNFLASH: And went! The end! Can we leave yet?

FOXGLOVE: Oh, don’t you start! Hang in there, it’ll be over soon … I hope.

because his sphincter tightened, sending them over the edge

LABURNUM: … of the active volcano. I still think that was one of our best Sue-deaths.

and dumping a third load of badger cum inside his rear, and a load of hare seed to mingle with it.

LABURNUM: Yep, Martin’s a Gro-Bag.

FOXGLOVE: No, by this point he’s just a hobag.

Martin succumbed once again to the blackness of events,

GONFF: Eh? Was that English?

SUNFLASH: I think it meant he passed out.

ROMSCA: Lucky bastard!

not even feeling the hare falling on top of his naked body to leave him sandwiched between the two larger males.

ROMSCA: Great, so now they’ve ruined san’wiches as well as chicken. Even Redwall Abbey food ain’t gonna cure me now.

GONFF: I think the only solution is to never eat again.

Both Boar and the hare smiled at each other, then joined Martin in sleep.

LABURNUM: And we shall soon join them in unconsciousness.

SUNFLASH: Pink Stuff?

FOXGLOVE: Absolutely.

The end.

(MSTers tense. Lights go up.)

LABURNUM: … That’s it? No “for now”? No “to be continued”? Nothing?

(All pause, then cheer wildly. Foxglove, Romsca, and Gonff leap off the bench and dance around, whooping. Sunflash and Laburnum clap in time.)

FOXGLOVE: Yay! Whoo-whoo! It’s finally over! There goes my atheist status, the lack of a sequel proves there IS a loving God!

(Projection booth window opens. Skyfire leans out.)

SKYFIRE: So. How’d it go?

SUNFLASH: (stops clapping, flops forward, covers face) Gaaah. Must … wash … eyes …

LABURNUM: (stares into space) Kill kill kill kill die die die … kill kill kill kill die die die …

FOXGLOVE: Okay, okay, you win! At least the other one had better titles and some form of life in most of her prose and only occasionally used completely physically impossible acts and didn’t use any stupid crossover references about unicorns and didn’t make Martin giggle and didn’t … aaaargh! (sobs quietly, takes deep breath and continues) How much Bleepka will it take to ensure you never show us these things again?

SKYFIRE: (chuckles) Just one crate will do, that’s what we wagered.

STORMSONG: (leaning out of booth window) Oh please, ‘twas not that bad! I fully expected to find that first one triggering, but after about three sentences I was so bored I chose to spend the rest of the scene filing my claws!

LABURNUM: Well, okay, I guess they were quite funny.

ROMSCA: Well, I knows ‘ow ter take all yer minds off it … Let’s all go an’ get ravin’ drunk!

(Rousing cheer from everyone else.)

ROMSCA: (grinning) So, Mister Stormy, ‘ow drunk’d you ‘ave ter get ter fergit I’m female?

STORMSONG: It doth depend. How drunk would I have to be to forget that that question was ever uttered? (shudders)

LABURNUM: Ah, he’s so cute when he hates people.

SKYFIRE: Was that a compliment?

GONFF: From an assassin, yes.

(Stormsong opens the portal, he and Skyfire step through, and the others head for the projection booth, when suddenly the Bad Slashers reappear at an impressive speed, looking frightened. Skyfire grabs the portal machine and desperately stabs at the Off switch.)

GONFF: What’s going on?

SKYFIRE: Well … remember how we didn’t want Boar to find out about this? Apparently he did. There is a Bloodwrathing badger running wild in the main building, and frankly there’s no way I’m going back through there until he’s finished.

GONFF: So we’re stuck here for the duration? Together? With no alcohol in sight?

STORMSONG: Yes. Unless thou dost wish to go and risk getting under the paws of a beserker.

SKYFIRE: Okay, here’s what we do. We stay in here, we check back after an hour to see if it’s safe, and then we go and get blind drunk and eat huge amounts of sugar until we’ve forgotten that this whole sorry sequence of events ever happened. Happy?

(They all nod, then sit on the bench and look at each other. There is a long awkward silence.)

SUNFLASH: So. Does anyone else know how to play bridge?



[Note: Why yes, I am going to keep using “all your mace are belong to us” until I no longer find it funny. Don’t hold your breath. I’m still laughing over “Martian the Warrior” and that was about two or three years ago.

Sunflash may not be accessible, but if anyone ever does Redwall mpreg, I will learn how to track people down via the Internet so I can hurt them. At least I will once I stop screaming. Okay, I’m a raging pervert, but even I have my limits. (Though I’m still looking for opportunities to use Grimblett tentacle-rape jokes – or frond-rape jokes, I suppose. Mm, I’m a hypocrite, but at least I admit it.)

Despite the somewhat tactless lyrics of "Odalisque" (song used in the riffs, by the Decemberists) I figure Stormsong would appreciate the complicated guitar work, hence why he joined in.

Anyway, hope you’ve enjoyed this little trio of fun. Will be PPC-sporking the author’s other piece someday. That one’s for Shrek. Yeah. At least there is no unexpected unicorn.]


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