Double-Entendres and Innuendo
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Complete with some witty(?) comments from me. Last chance to turn back, kids and those with delicate sensibilities and fond memories.
Redwall
~ Just about any sentence containing the words "sword" and/or "weapon".
Salamandastron
~ "This is the way ter do it mucker," Dingeye breathed excitedly. "Now lerrit go straight. It should go across the 'all, over the passage an' up the stairs."
("Straight"? This scene? Oh, the irony. And I must say I never realised stoat's internal fluids were under such high pressure. Even in context, they're standing very close together, trying to jointly fire a longbow, thus making this line even worse.)
Pearls of Lutra
~ "We should get wood free, whenever we needs it!"
(A female character said this, in case you're wondering. In front of several pirate captains. I'm amazed they didn't all collapse laughing. But then it wouldn't have got past the publisher.)
~ "Should it set stiff'n'slimy, then suck it."
(Part of a tongue-twister poem about soup, so it made sense in context. Really. But still, ew.)
The Long Patrol
~ "I wants those two ragbags fer meself. We'll catch 'em an' take 'em somewheres nice'n'quiet where I'll do that pair 'ard an' slow afore dawnbreak."
(Spotted this one myself, age fourteen. I thought I was hallucinating it for a minute, especially since I was home on sick leave from school at the time.)
Welkin Weasels
(I love this series, but it has the most and worst double-entendres of any kid's books I've seen since Harry Potter, especially Castle Storm.)
Thunder Oak
~ . . . and if you did not find him poring over a book, he would be peering into blue or green glass and stroking his bottles.
(That's possibly the weirdest potential euphemism I've seen in my life . . .)
~ Alysoun said, "He's a bit awkward, isn't he? He's not very deft with that weapon of his."
~ "It's alright for them. I was all the way at the top. You get a sort of donging at the top which nearly blows your brains out."
~ "The forest floor's all right," said Dredless loudly, "but you get twigs and things amongst the dead leaves and they always stick into your back . . ."
(While you're doing what? Well, in context, sleeping. But that's nothing like as amusing.)
~ "Can we have a go at him first?"
said a corporal with an especially menacing pike. "Can we have a go on the way
back to the castle, sir?"
"I'll see," replied Falshed.
"But no promises."
"Thank you, sir," snarled the
corporal, his eyes glinting with anticipation.
~ Prince Poynt stared down into the water, which Falshed tried to make murky by washing himself . . . "Why are you squirming?" said Prince Poynt suspiciously, coming to the edge of the tub and looking in.
(Well, I did think Poynt had mild tendencies towards the monkeys-on-nitrous-oxide [as in "gayer than a treeful of . . ."], except he apparently had descendants.)
~ "Isn't he - er - a little expensive, my lord? Are you sure you want to pay a fox to do a stoat's duties?"
~ "He was fast," murmured Wodehed weakly. "He was very, very fast."
~ "Oh, go on, Falshed, but for heaven's sakes get the rotter out - he's been in since tea time."
(I know many women who would be very disappointed to realise he was actually talking about a cricket game.)
~ . . . Sylver had been told of a narrow tunnel under the dyke, which would take only one weasel at a time.
(How could I not put in at least one "dyke" joke from this book? In context it means a sea wall, in case you don't know. Trouble is, all the other sentences made this too obvious to use here. But this one . . . sheesh.)
Castle Storm
~ "We must overwhelm the stoats while they are in their beds," he snarled.
~ The sheriff came to, still face-down on the stone floor.
~ He stared at his master and said with a smirk on his silky features, "Don't worry, sir, I'll clean up the mess. You go and sort out your soldiers."
~ The end of the staff broke off on impact, leaving Sylver with an even shorter weapon.
(Ouch! I'm female and this still makes me wince!)
~ "If you don't watch your mouth I'll get out some o' my more int'resting torture irons."
~ "I'd rather eat Mawk."
"Thank you," Mawk said, in a
long-suffering voice.
~ Falshed saw it was useless to struggle or protest. These three fiends were going to have their way with him.
(How the HELL did that one get past the editor?!)
~ "Yes!" cried Miniver, in tones of
ecstasy. "Yes, yes."
Suddenly Mawk and Link shot
backwards, pulling Sylver with them. The three creatures ended piled up against
the far wall of the passage in a tangle of limbs and bodies.
~ Mawk was buckling his belt but his head came up quickly.
~ Clive of Coldkettle was covered from head to foot in butter. Pommf de Fritte had cream dripping from his whiskers. Foppington was giggling like mad . . . The only animals not taking part in this delightful orgy were Torca Marda and his two priests.
(Yes, this is possibly the worst one on this whole site, but the author was actually talking about a food fight, so in context it sounded fine. Was that really cream, though? *snicker*)
~ "Do you have to, Furioso?"
said Torca Marda. "Leave the organ alone."
"Sorry. Accident," said the
false priest. "Didn't mean to touch it."
"Liar," murmured Orgoglio. "You
always touch it when you pass it - you can't help it, can you?"
~ "Don't come too fast. Creep
along and grip the sides of the tunnel. When you feel my fur in your face, get
hold of my rump and start pulling."
Mawk did as he was asked and
eventually Scirf's unwholesome fur tickled his chin. He gripped Scirf around the
thighs and began to back up slowly . . .
(There's just so much innuendo in this paragraph, even just the first sentence on its own sounds bad. HOW could Mr Kilworth's proofreader not notice it?! I am convinced he sneaked this in deliberately.)
~ Torca Marda stood up and wiped his mouth on the corner of his red robe.
(Even the context of this one was pretty nasty - he was giving mouth-to-mouth to a semi-decomposed corpse in order to turn it into a ghoul.)
~ Then Foppington's paw went like lightning towards his weapon. In an instant his sword was out.
~ "You don't like the system, do you - stoats always at the top, weasels at the bottom?"
(Well, stoats are larger than weasels - wonder if they've heard of fandom's famous Height Rule . . .)
Windjammer Run
(For some reason the ones in this aren't nearly as bad as the last book. Presumably Mr Kilworth realised what had been happening and made more of an effort to keep the book clean. Of course, he plunged again with the Monty trilogy, with the huge amounts of probably-unintentional subtext between Maudlin and Scruff.)
~ "Think we can do it?" said Bare, after a long time. "Course we can do it. But what about the payment? We're not cheap."
~ "Somethin' to do with them tongues," muttered Scirf darkly. "Them tongues ain't natural."
~ What was going on behind those windows was anybody's guess, but it was probably not lawful.
~ "So you saw the weasels at work in
the port?"
"That we did, your sublime
worshipfulness - and that's when we saw them doin' it . . ."
~ Forelimbs outstretched and back legs wide apart, she did what was expected of her, but her face showed her anxiety.
(The weasel in question is being used as a kite frame. Impossible with a human character, but weasels are possibly light enough for it to work. I do not recommend you test this. The SPCA would not allow it.)
~ Cries of "Let's do 'em," and "Let me at 'em," filled the village.
~ Prince Poynt licked his lips. "Oh, I could do with some of that."
~ "Then I had him on the ground and stood with my sword raised . . ."
~ "Best to keep it special, by doing it little and often, that's my motto."
~ The prince felt he was not very bright, but why should Lord Haukin come to him for such a thing? "You - you want me to give you a bone?"
(He actually asked for a "boon". The prince is not very bright and apparently going deaf.)
Gaslight Geezers
~ "Give me your body and I'll run it through," cried Monty, delighted with the evening's action.
Disney
("Debbie Does Disney"?! I dare somebody to try and write this. Just don't make me read it, please.)
The Lion King
~
"I just hear that name and I shudder."
(really suggestive voice) "Mufasa!"
"Ooh . . . Do it again."
(I was
convinced there was something indecent about this skit pretty much as soon as I
learned the facts of life,
when I was nine.)
~
"If you're hungry for a hunk of fat
and juicy meat
Eat my buddy Pumbaa here because he is a treat!"
(Notice that the hyenas drool when they hear this song, then Pumbaa and Timon shriek like little girls and run away very fast. Which would make sense with either meaning.)
~ "Oh, no, not the birdie boiler!!!"
~ "Pumbaa, not in front of the kids."
~ "Here's the bottom line, our trio's down to two."
~ "First, I'm gonna take your stick."
~ "She doesn't have to know. Nobody has to know."
~ "This is just for you and your Daddy."
~ "I hate dangling!"
~ "That lousy Mufasa, I won't be able to sit down for a week!"
(Upon which Ed bursts out laughing, so maybe the writers stuck this one in *snerk* deliberately.)
~ "Lie down before you hurt yourself."
~ "Slimy, yet satisfying."
(Ick, tentacle smut! Or it could be bringing a whole new meaning to "food porn" . . . double ick.)
Mulan
~ "I don't do that tongue thing."
~ "And I do not 'squeal like a girl'!"
(Of course he immediately does so, this being a cartoon.)
Oliver and Company
~ "Hey man, if this is torture, chain me to the wall!"
Star Wars
Star Wars
~ "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
~ "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
~ "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
~ "You've got something jammed in here real good."
~ "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
~ "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
~ "Sorry about the mess..."
~ "Look at the size of that thing!"
~ "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
~ "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
(Rather disappointing to realise he is in fact talking about his spaceship, no?)
The Empire Strikes Back
~ "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
~ "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
~ "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
~ "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."
~ "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
~ "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
~ “I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
~ "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
~ "Control, control! You must learn control!"
Return of the Jedi
~ "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
~ "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."
~ "I never knew I had it in me."
~ "There is good in him, I've felt it."
~ "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."
~ "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
~ "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
~ "She's gonna blow!"
~ "I think you'll fit in nicely."
~ "Rise, my friend."
But of course, one of the best is;
~ "Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!”
Harry Potter
(Definitely the winner of the Innuendo Awards.)
~ Just about any sentence containing the word "wand".
~ Ditto for the name "Nymphadora Tonks". There is no way in hell that name was NOT intended to be suggestive.
There are far, far, far too many to show here, so I'll just post a link to a site which collects them;
http://www.clockwork-harlequin.net/harry_potter/
Sports commentators
"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem." (Howard Wilkinson)
"Fred Davis, the
doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers
to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)
"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of
the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter)
"You have joined us at a very interesting time. Ray Illingworth is just relieving himself at the pavilion end." (Brian Johnston)
Links to more!
http://www.boardgamegeek.com/geeklist.php3?action=view&listid=7475&pageID=1
http://www.clockwork-harlequin.net/harry_potter/
http://www.livejournal.com/users/colddoggjuice/4327.html
http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=daegaer&keyword=G.+Manville+Fenn&filter=all
http://www.livejournal.com/community/indeedsir/28089.html and http://www.livejournal.com/community/indeedsir/29400.html
Most Lion King ones nicked from; http://furryhumor.tripod.com/topten.htm
All Star Wars ones nicked from; http://userpages.umbc.edu/~dni1/humor/lists/starwars.shtml, among other places.
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Questions? Comments? Email me at wordsmith101NOSPAM@btopenworld.com (don't forget to delete the NOSPAM first).