A Guide To Redwall Mary Sue
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Powers of Mary Sue
~Wielding the Sword of Martin~
Warrior Sue's favourite power - she wields the Sword of Martin, just like her
daddy. One would think that her "small, slender" build would mean she couldn't
lift it, never mind use it, but she can. Remember; to all intents and purposes,
a sword is basically an inch-thick metal stick as long as your leg and a
handspan wide, plus sharp edges which could make the slightest slip fatal.
Imagine how much that must weigh. When reading Redwall, it's easy to forget that
a sword, even a semi-sacred one, is heavy and literally bloody awkward to use.
(Actually, they're not quite as heavy as people think - only a couple of pounds
- but if you're not used to using them, they feel much heavier and they're
awkward to wield the first few times.) If you want your character to have a
weapon like this, make sure she's got a decent muscular structure, or give her
something easier to use. Not everybeast can wield the Sword of Martin. Don't
deny it. You couldn't.
~Dimension hopping~
Used by Human Sue and Rose Sue, if coming back from the dead counts as dimension
hopping. With no explanation at all, Mary Sue suddenly appears in another world.
She integrates seamlessly into Mossflower life, despite the fact that either she
comes from 21st century Britain or America and has no clue about life in the
Redwall timespan, or everybeast has only just gotten used to her being dead.
Nobeast involved is even slightly surprised. Martin never runs away yelling
"AARGHIT'SAGHOST!" when Rose turns up again, and the human kid doesn't care that
she's in a place which is both filled with giant animals, which she as a city
kid probably couldn't even identify, and is about seven hundred years behind her
own world (yeah, I'm guessing here, so Sue me - haha). Weird or what?
~Being amazingly good at everything~
See previous chapters. Of course, Mary Sue is good at everything, but her
favourite powers include;
Pointless angsting, usually in tune to Evanescence music. Which is embarrassing
to people like me, who used to like Evanescence but have now linked it with Mary
Sue and thus cannot bear it any longer.
Apparently being the only creature in a battle scene to actually kill anything,
but not getting hurt or dirtied herself.
Attracting supposedly unwanted attention from males, but not trying to do
anything to stop them. One would think that if she's that good a fighter she
could deal with one attacker, but no, she just lies there screaming. Possibly
Psycho Violinist of Silentwood was right; maybe Mary Sue enjoys it *squick!* Or
maybe it's just a ploy to get some sympathy love from the male she was trying to
trap.
Let's all have a moment of silence in sympathy of the poor vermin whom Mary Sue
preys upon, then blames for her "sad plight". It's not their fault, honest. Mary
Sue has made them slaves to their own testosterone (not that this doesn't happen
to them in the breeding season anyway).. Abbess Meriam is offering counselling
for these unfortunate creatures.
~The Inner Eye~
(Suggested by Lady Storm.)
Yes, we have psychic Mary Psues (couldn't resist bad puns, psorry - haha). Mary
Sue can read minds, and thus figure out that her male best friend or arch rival
is in fact desperately in love with her. She likes him too, so they admit their
feelings and cause readers to be ill through either the sappiness of the
"confession scene" or the badly written soft-porn which follows. She must use
psychokinesis, because as pointed out in the first section, her beautifully slim
frame could not lift her favourite weapons through muscle alone. She can see the
future too. Often these prophetic visions were seen upon the pages of a mystical
book or on the front of an eldritch black box. Or it's a Human Sue who read the
books and/or watched the cartoon. Sometimes she'll save the life of one of her
favourite characters who was going to die, thus completely ruining the plot of
the book. Canon? We don't need no stinkin' canon!
~Driving all her readers nuts~
Do I even need to go into detail on this one? Anyone who's ever read a Mary Sue
fic knows the feeling of the headache and annoyance combined with boredom it
gives you by about the middle of the third sentence. Particularly when the Sue
is taking part in a horribly hard to follow storyline mixed with horrific
spelling and grammar. Sadly, this is all too common in Sue fics. If the story is
also entitled "I Suck At Titles", or summarised with "I suck at summaries", the
best thing you can do is to run away. Very far and very fast, lest you be
contaminated with the powers of badfic.
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Worrying that Mary Sue has so many
powers, isn't it? Still, none of them are any defense against a flamethrower.
Rejoice, fellow Sue Slayers, for they can be defeated.
Stay tuned for the next chapter in which we learn of the types of names taken by
these vile demons. "I'm Princess Lilandria Swiftpaw of Castle Floret, but you
can call me Mary Sue!"
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Questions? Comments? Email me at wordsmith101NOSPAM@btopenworld.com (don't forget to delete the NOSPAM first).