A Guide To Redwall Mary Sue
~~~
Mind Analysis of Mary Sue
My extensive research in the field of Sueology has finally proven that, contrary
to popular belief, Mary Sue does indeed have a brain. Well, the various
organisations of Sue Slayers have cut up enough Sues to know they have brains,
but I have now proved that said brains are actually used. In fact, the Mary Sue
is fiendishly intelligent. Her wits are necessary to catch her prey. However,
having a brain does not give her a personality worth talking about. I promise
I'll try, though.
~Motivation~
The motives of normal beings are immensely complicated and would take more than
this humble little guide to comprehend fully. The average Mary Sue's motives,
whatever her situation, all boil down to angst, sex and revenge, very much like
a bad soap opera. The exact ratio depends on the Mary Sue in question. As for
the Human Sue, her motives are slightly different - Have Fun and Get Home
Eventually. Of course, she doesn't want to go home until after she's had fun.
Human Sues don't really need much coverage here, thanks to Chapter 20. If you
still want to know more about their minds, simply watch the most stereotypical
girl in your school's cheerleading squad, preferably from a distance. Human Sues
are usually of that same metal, except for the fact that they are literate
enough to read Redwall books.
~Emotions~
Mary Sue's emotional ranges are narrower than those of most mortals. They can
feel happiness, of course, but real sadness and anger are beyond them. In
situations where normal creatures (or people, for that matter) would be sad or
angry, Mary Sue just wastes a full chapter weeping theatrically - oh, come on,
don't tell me you ever thought it was REAL crying? Spot the pity milking!
Anyway, once either her tear ducts have run dry or she's realised none of her
readers actually care, she goes into Righteous Anger mode. This is equally
theatrical, and an equal number of readers care - that is, none. As pointed out
before, Mary Sue never feels non-righteous anger. Or as a matter of fact, any
emotion portraying her in a less than favourable light.
Mary Sue is also capable of twisting her emotions to her advantage. When
confronted with one rat waving a cutlass at her, she will be reduced to
hysterical weeping with terror until her boyfriend turns up and saves her.
(Judging by her famous l33t sk1llz, her fear is only necessary if said rat is a
Sue Slayer, since she could easily kick the tail of any real rat.) In an actual
battle, she'll be perfectly fine even though the odds of her surviving are much
lower. Maybe it's a side-effect of the Bloodwrath. A special type of Bloodwrath
which only Mary Sues get, which also makes their bodies blood-repellent so as
not to spoil their perfect fur-do.
~Personality~
Um. Does it exist? Sorry, nothing much to see here.
Well, they do have SOME personality, usually of the following types.
Human Sue - Bouncy, cheerful cheerleader type. Very annoying to know in
real life, but not quite so bad to read as some of the others. Occasionally
we'll get a goth or punk, but this doesn't happen very often in Redwall. Lord of
the Rings is affected worst by them.
Warrior Sue - Take Xena Warrior Princess, add a large scoop of Drama
Queen, a spoonful of Militant Feminist, a pinch of Knight of the Round Table and
a sprinkling of Guardian Angel.
Mary Sue Classic - Could also be called Mary Sue Poppins; practically
perfect in every way. Yuck. Boring.
Reformed Vermin Sue - Oh, feel the aaaannnnnggsst! No more explanation
needed, I think.
Evil Sue - Merge the personalities of every villain you've ever read
about. Not difficult, because they're all fairly similar anyway.
Canon Sue - The exact opposite of their canon counterparts. Possibly the
most painful to read.
~Other oddities~
Mary Sues are known for going through horribly traumatic events. The actual
effects of said events don't seem to last, though. If you watched your parents
killed by rats you'd probably be mentally scarred for life. Mary Sue seems to
lose the grief in favour of revenge vows pretty quickly, and never suffers shock
in the first place. Come to think of it, when she suffers trauma she feels
sadness and anger, but she doesn't seem to be very surprised by it. Proof of the
Psychic Psue Network? Okay, that is a cheap joke, I'll stop using it.
In the case of the Canon Sue, the personality of the character slaughtered is
always changed. Sometimes it is removed altogether, and we get a boring, cutout
version of the canon Sue-victim. Sometimes it is warped into a perfect version
of said victim. Sometimes we just get an entirely new and usually annoying
character who just happens to look like, talk like and have the same name as
Rose or Mariel. The last is the most irritating, because it makes you want to
start screaming "MARIEL WOULD NEVER SAY THAT!" at the monitor while reading.
Poor Mariel practically lives at the PPC headquarters these days.
Mary Sue rarely seems to actually enjoy anything. A normal creature would be
grateful for being pretty, or an amazingly good singer, but Mary Sue worries
about how jealous everybeast is of her. Even though very few creatures are -
most of them praise Mary Sue constantly, and the only ones who are jealous are
the ones the author wants us to dislike. She also suffers unnecessary "guilt
trips". The author hopes this makes Mary Sue seem "nice", but it really just
makes her look ungrateful, not to mention unrealistic. To use a quote from the
PPC original series; "With great power may come great responsibility, but until
it shows up any normal person is going to be saying 'Yay! Great Power! Whee!'"
~~~
I hope you found that chapter enlightening. The next one will be about the most common ways in which Mary Sues die. Yes, we're getting to the end of the guide, but don't worry, I may do "special" chapters in the future. Apologies if I didn't use your chapter suggestion, but I can't keep writing this forever.
~~~
~~~
Questions? Comments? Email me at wordsmith101NOSPAM@btopenworld.com (don't forget to delete the NOSPAM first).