Redwall Jokes
~~~
Deodar walks into the armoury and
says to Lady Cregga, "Have you got any carrots?"
Lady Cregga says, "No, this is the armoury. Try the kitchen."
Next day, Deodar walks in again and says, "Got any carrots?"
Lady Cregga says, "No, I told you yesterday, try the kitchen."
Next day, Deodar walks in again and says "Got any carrots?" Lady Cregga grabs
her and yells "For the third time, no! If you ask me that tomorrow I'll glue
your ears to the anvil!"
Next day, Deodar walks in again and says, "Got any glue?"
"Er . . . no."
"Good. Got any carrots?"
~~~
(Author's Note : Sorry, but Viola did
always strike me as a natural blonde ;))
Viola Bankvole rushes into the infirmary and shouts, "Sister Cicely! I hurt all
over!"
Sister Cicely says, "That's impossible."
"No, really, I do! See, when I touch my face, it hurts! When I touch my leg, it
hurts! When I touch my chest, it hurts! Help!"
Sister Cicely shakes her head, looks at Viola's paw, and sees the problem.
"Viola, your finger is broken."
~~~
(Author's Note : I know the bats have
accents, but the joke doesn't have the same punch if I use them.)
A bat flies back to the cave, covered in blood. Of course the other bats notice,
and eventually Lord Cayvear asks where he got the blood from. After much
persuasion, he agrees to tell. The bats all fly out and he leads them to an oak
tree on a hill.
"See this tree?" he says.
"Yes."
"Good. I didn't."
~~~
This would explain why Slipp hates
Blaggut so much . . .
Blaggut is wandering around the town while the Pearl Queen is making landfall.
While he's at the market, he sees a stall with a large parrot-like bird perched
on the corner of the table. The weasel running the stall sees him staring and
says "This is no ordinary bird, it's a very rare Goonybird. Watch what it does."
He places a stick on the table and says "Goonybird, the stick!" The bird leaps
on the stick and pecks it to splinters. Blaggut thinks "Wow, that'd make a great
present for Cap'n Slipp!", so he buys the bird and takes it back to the ship. He
finds Captain Slipp and says "Look, I bought you this in the market. It's a
really rare Goonybird!"
Slipp sighs and says "You've been had, chump, there ain't no such thing as a
Goonybird!"
"Yeah, there is, I swear it! See, there's one right here!"
"Huh," says Slipp. "Goonybird, my foot!"
~~~
Matthias and Cornflower have had a
big argument and they aren't talking to each other. Instead, they communicate by
means of notes. The evening of the day of the argument, Matthias gives
Cornflower a note which reads;
"I have to go fishing early tomorrow. Wake me up at dawn."
Next day, he wakes up and sees that it's well after dawn, about 9 o'clock
judging by the sun. He's really annoyed, but then he finds a note on his pillow;
"Wake up, it's dawn."
~~~
Vilu Daskar is in a sadistic mood, so
he decides to make his crew do the strength test ("Haul the wood this high, or
else!"). Each crew member takes the test. First, a rat does it, and manages to
haul the wood slightly above the mark.
Next, a weasel does it, and gets the wood well over the mark.
All the crew manage to pass the test, and Vilu is getting bored.
Finally, a large, fluffy, stoat-like creature steps forward, but try as he
might, he can't haul the wood further than about halfway.
As Vilu pushes the creature overboard, he shouts;
"You are the weakest mink. Goodbye!"
~~~
Abbot Mortimer is walking along the
wall when he sees a deer with a crossbow at the gate. He obeys the rule of
hospitality and invites her in. The deer is so big that she has trouble getting
in through the gate, but she manages, and she sits on the lawn while the
Redwallers bring her some food. She eats it with obvious enjoyment, and takes a
bite of the grass as well, but then she picks up her crossbow and shoots one of
the mice, fortunately not fatally.
Abbot Mortimer yells at her, "How dare you? We helped you, you ungrateful . . ."
She replies, "Well, sorry, but I am a deer, you know. Look me up in the
dictionary," before squeezing out through the gate and running off.
Abbot Mortimer finds a dictionary and looks up "deer". The entry reads;
"Deer. Hoofed animal of the family Cervidae. Males often have branching antlers. Eats grass, shoots and leaves."
~~~
A skinny black-furred animal walks into a tavern in Sampetra. He is wearing a black robe and has a lightning-bolt shaped mark on his face. As he goes up to the bar, everybeast stares, and when he reaches the bar the innkeeper is briefly dumbstruck. When he can finally speak, he croaks out;
"Bless my soul - it's Harry P. Otter."
~~~
Friar Bunfold is getting fed up of
Veil stealing strawberries, so he works out a plan to stop him. He pins up a
sign by the strawberry patch, which says "Warning: One of these strawberries has
been poisoned."
Next day, he comes to examine the patch to see if his plan worked. None of the
berries are missing, but under his notice is a new message. It reads;
"Now there are two."
~~~
(Author's Note: Redwalgrl asked if I
could do a joke featuring Ublaz. Here it is.)
Emperor Ublaz is supposed to be meeting with Rasconza. When Sagitar brings the
fox to the palace, Ublaz yells, "Don't you dare bring that creature into the
throne room! It's covered in fleas!"
Sagitar turns to Rasconza and says, "Stay out of the throne room, it's full of fleas."
~~~
(Author's Note: This one was
suggested by Yuoofox.)
Once upon a time, Mossflower woods was filled with flower shops run by various
woodland creatures. Animals everywhere would come to Mossflower to buy beautiful
bouquets. One day, the Abbot of Redwall told all of the monks at Redwall to
start a flower business, except that the Redwall monks would give the flowers
away for free. All the animals started getting their flower bouquets from
Redwall, and it started putting the other woodlanders out of business. The
woodlanders decided that they needed to put a stop to Redwall's flower business
once and for all. They sent Log-A-Log to talk with the Abbot, but the Abbot
wouldn't listen. They sent the Skipper of the otters, but the Abbot still
wouldn't listen. Finally, they got Hugh Broadstripe the badger lord to visit
Redwall. Hugh was so fearsome, that the Abbot gave in and told the monks to stop
giving away flowers. Here is the moral of this story:
"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
~~~
The Rambling Rosehip Players have got
together a new act - they catch a pike and put it in a tank. Celandine dives
into the tank and kisses the pike on the snout. The first time they perform
this, everybeast cheers, except for a young male rat sitting at the back of the
audience, who yells "Anybeast can do that!"
Celandine swims to the side of the tank and shouts back, "Oh, really? Would you
like to try it?"
"Of course," replies the rat, "but get that pike out of there first!"
~~~
Dibbun Veil rushes up to Bryony,
holding a jar full of water and crying hysterically. Bryony finally manages to
work out that the jar contains his pet fish, which has apparently died. She hugs
him until he calms down, then they dig a hole to bury poor little Fishy in.
Just as they finish digging, Bryony sees the fish flick its tail.
"Oh, look, Veil," she says, "Fishy isn't dead after all!"
Veil looks into the jar and says, "Oh. Can we kill it?"
~~~
(Author's Note: My younger readers
probably won't get this joke. Ask your parents.)
One day, Matthias found a mysterious egg lying in the middle of the path out in
Mossflower. He brought it back to Redwall, and found some old records in the
gatehouse stating that it was the egg of the Rary Bird, an extremely rare breed.
Abbot Mortimer agreed to keep the egg.
Once it hatched, the Rary Bird grew very fast and very big, though its wings
were too small for it to fly. At first it happily lived on fish, but one day it
suddenly attacked the Dibbuns. Constance and Winifred managed to overpower it
before it killed anybeast, but they were stuck with the problem of what to do
with the bird. They could hardly keep it tied up forever, and nobeast dared get
close enough to kill it.
Finally, Abbot Mortimer came up with an idea. "The bird cannot fly, so we shall
take it to the top of the belltower and throw it off."
Matthias nodded and said, "That's a long way to tip a Rary."
~~~
A searat is on shore leave and is
hanging around a tavern. He starts to get bored, so he goes up to a nearby
weasel and tries to talk to her. She tells him to get lost, as she is trying to
enjoy her drink in peace.
The rat says, "I'll tell you what, let's play a game. I ask you a question, and
if you don't know the answer, you give me a piece of your jewellery. Then you
ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll give you a piece of
mine."
The weasel says no, so he carries on. "Alright, I'll raise the stakes. If I get
a question wrong, you can have my sword instead." The weasel finally agrees.
The rat asks the first question. "How many teeth does a shark have?" The weasel
doesn't know the answer, so she gives him one of her earrings and takes her
turn.
"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The rat is
completely mystified. He sits puzzling for a very long time, but can't come up
with anything. Finally he gives up, and reluctantly gives his sword to the
weasel. She smirks, finishes her grog and heads towards the door.
The frustrated rat calls after her, "Well, what is the answer?"
Without a word, she turns, takes off her other earring, throws it to him, and walks out the door.
~~~
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