A Guide To Redwall Mary Sue
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Weapons of Mary Sue
~Sword of Martin~
Just how many Swords of Martin ARE there? There seem to be at least twenty Mary
Sues using it at any one time. How does Martin find the time to visit them all?
And how many Evil Vermin Warlords Bent On Destroying Redwall can there be? I
know rats breed fast, but not THAT fast. Okay, my readers will probably lynch me
if I make them imagine reproducing rats again, and I know Gabool will encourage
them, so let's carry on now.
Anyway, Mary Sue slays every vermin she comes across, with a sword which the
author apparently thinks weighs half of her own body weight, before they have a
chance to so much as blink, never mind fight back. Don't you wish you could do
that? It is possible to make an interesting story featuring a Non-Sue OC as the
bearer of the sword, but it takes a LOT of work.
~Other blades~
This applies to sabres, daggers, rapiers, etc. The trademark corsair cutlass is
very popular among seagoing Sues. After all, they may not act at all like their
murderous comrades, but they sure as heck don't want to look untrendy. These are
at least slightly more realistic than a huge heavy sword, particularly one which
only one animal per generation is allowed to use, as they're a lot smaller. Most
of these blades are light and graceful, thus serving multiple purposes; looking
pretty, while still being very good at cutting things, and not harming Mary
Sue's delicate wrists.
~Bows and arrows~
Much rarer than swords, and therefore goodfic points can be given for a
character which uses this weapon. Extra points if the author knows the
difference between a longbow and a shortbow. However, these fics rarely take
into account the fact that bows are a lot harder to use than they look. It takes
a lot of upper body strength. Remember the end of The Odyssey? Odysseus is the
only person strong enough to string and fire his old bow. That kind of implies
that they're difficult to use. Also, Mary Sue never seems to run out of arrows.
You can only carry a finite number in a quiver, you know.
~Mind and body~
Mary Sue's frail, slender form belies an inner strength. Even when she has no
weapon she will fight on, and she can kick hard enough to break bones. Not a
pleasant experience when you consider the area of the attacker she is most
likely to kick. It is in fact possible to do this with a lot of training,
but Mary Sue never actually seems to receive any. Another Suvian mystery, along
with "why does she keep forgetting she can do this?" Mary Sues with this ability
never actually use it at points where the author deems it appropriate for her to
be in mortal danger, so that her boyfriend can rush up and save her at the last
minute.
Mary Sue also likes to use her wits to get out of danger. Her mind is as sharp
as her blade, and in any situation she can come up with a completely loopy,
over-the-top, James Bond-style escape plan. Of course, she never thinks of using
the door.
~Magic~
Oh dear. Canon rips ahoy. Some readers seem to think that "Redwall = talking
animals = magic", which is entirely untrue. Brian Jacques himself has stated
that there is no real magic beyond Martin visitations and the odd fragment of
precognition by the likes of Nightshade. Unless it's marked "fantasy", there is
usually no point in reading a fic like this, because the author obviously has no
grasp whatever of canon. It may sound fun, but Redwall wouldn't be Redwall with
magic. The whole point is that the creatures have to use their own skills to
resolve the plot. On top of that, imagine the chaos if Cluny got hold of the
Cruciatus curse! Help, now I'm picturing a truly awful crossover with Cluny as
Voldemort. Double ouch.
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As suggested by Purplefluffychainsaw, the next chapter will be about modern devices brought to Mossflower by Human Sues and Stus, and why they would not actually work. Somehow I can't imagine the Redwallers liking Eminem or Madonna. Maybe Enya.
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Questions? Comments? Email me at wordsmith101NOSPAM@btopenworld.com (don't forget to delete the NOSPAM first).